thoughts on ash wednesday

"Yet even now," declares the LORD,
"return to me with all your heart,
with fasting, with weeping, and with mourning;
and rend your hearts and not your garments."
Return to the LORD your God,
for he is gracious and merciful,
slow to anger, and abounding in steadfast love;
and he relents over disaster.”
Joel 2:12-13  

Today is Ash Wednesday. In the liturgical tradition it is the beginning of the season of Lent. I was just reminded by a friend on the Christian journey that 

“Lent is an ancient Christian tradition that began as a way for Christians to join with new converts as they prepared to be baptized at Easter. It was a time for new converts / baptismal candidates to reflect on their need for Christ and walk in repentance, and the larger community of Christians would join them in this. To help in this, Christians have historically embraced some sort of fast – as a way of tangibly pulling one’s life (heart, thoughts, habits) into the way of self-denial and repentance. These are not simply initiation rites, but are essential daily practices in a life lived with God.”

I chose not to go to the Ash Wednesday service tonight because I wanted to make sure that I actually took the time to reflect on the meaning of this season and where I should examine my own heart. Why do people think of it as just a time to fast from something? Is that what it’s really about? I don’t think that it’s about fasting but, about seeking to give ourselves over to knowing God in a more intentional way. God is not any more available during this time than He is at any other time of the year. We are the ones that need markers in our lives, on our calendars to remind us that we have a lot more to receive that we’ve been aware of. 

I wonder how I can seek to know God more and see what He is doing around me so that I can join with him. I think that anything that allows me to love others well is important, which means I need to rest more and reflect more. Remembering that I need rest but that healing happens within community. Christ is found in the body of Christ. If I want to know Him more, I need to learn to enter into community as well. I need to “fast” from those things that lead me to fatigue instead of enthusiasm for loving and participating in relationship with others.

I have a problem. Recently, I get a sense of anxiety when I'm at Church. I don't enjoy it so, I don't feel like going to Church anymore. I don't know why exactly, but I've been thinking about it and I wonder if it has something to do with my craving for quality one-on-one time with people and conversations about transcendent types of things. Recently, the conversations after Church usually end up being a rapid pace of fast "how was your week?" superficial conversations which I get tired of really fast.

The other problem is that recently, Church is one of the only spaces where I pull out my notebook and get to be alone with my thoughts yet surrounded by a lot of people. I love that! But, I feel guilty when I realize that my mind is wandering and I'm not paying attention. I just wish that I had a friend or two who enjoyed being alone "together". You know? Pulling out a journal or book with a friend, maybe surrounded by people, maybe in a quieter space... and let thoughts grow and become something. Maybe after a couple of hours or a couple of days a conversation will be born and it will be meaningful. I miss that.

what makes it worthwhile?

Last night some of my friends help put together a fantastic BBQ dinner at a local homeless shelter. It was a lot of work but, I think the guys at the shelter really appreciated it and were thankful.

Afterwards, one of my friends felt the let down that you get after you do something good for people who may or may not ever escape the trap of drugs, alcohol, and poverty. She wondered if there had been any real interactions and if just "hanging out" in that setting does any good at all. In some ways, I wish that mere acts of kindness would help people out of poverty but, unfortunately it doesn't work that way. That does not make the acts of kindness any less significant.

Even so, I think that the question, "What is the good of this?" is worth asking. I mean, seriously. If our intention was to help these guys, we probably didn't do much more than give them a really delicious meal. But, maybe that is enough. We don't have to fix their situation. Maybe our willingness to be present is good enough.

Isn't that [almost] all we want anyway? As I listened to my friend's discouragement --I realized that I felt the same way a week or so ago after we had a big party at our house. We had a good time, we shared good food, and had good people over but, afterwards, I felt a similar let down. I wondered what the good of that type of interaction is, I felt like all my conversations had been short and superficial, so, ok --yeah, we had a good time, but what is the value of that?

Maybe it is the same. We want people to be present in our lives. Sharing food and time is valuable. We can always work towards more meaningful interactions with people and towards more intentional conversations. What is it that makes an activity worthwhile? Is it something we can measure?

deeply intentional life together

I have had so many things going on in my heart and life right now. Everything from realizing how much I love being part of a community of hospitality, enjoying my parents, sunny days and hammocks, evenings with good music and friends, reflecting on changes in the past 10 years of my life, enjoying worshiping with other Christians, celebrating birthdays with good friends and other simply good things.

I am figuring out and stumbling through 'life together', figuring out how to 'be' here and love people deeply elsewhere. I'm also struggling to embrace my limits, my emotional and physical limits. I have been deeply challenged by the Christian community I'm a part of here. I have been thinking about Mission, Community, Discipleship, and the Gospel. Two of my friends have participated in the meetings where the messages about those ideas were shared recently. I have been listening to the messages and have been talking to them about those ideas.

expecting God?

I've found myself truly meditating on this message in the past couple of days. Especially the question of what is my response when things go wrong.

"... let me ask you: Did you just fly through this past week oblivious to the activity of God in and around you? Did you look for, expect, and see God at work in you, through you, in the lives of others?

Did we live with our eyes open, our hearts and mind attentive for God’s work, or for God’s voice? Did we expect God to be at work in us and through us, for Jesus to be evident and active in and through our lives, or did we just go about our week, in the knowledge that God loves us and is with us?

And let me take it one more step: cause this is often when the reality of our expectation or lack of expectation shows most clearly… When things fall apart, when things go awry (as they often do), what’s our response? Despair or hope? Do we quickly become paralyzed with fear that its all downhill from here?

Or do we find hope in the awareness, the knowledge, the expectation that Jesus is still in charge, that He is still alive and Lord over all, and that as we look to Him, as we seek Him, He will be at work in even this to bring about His purposes – for His glory, for our joy and for the sake of others?" --Scott "expecting God"

the question remains

I think that you all should listen to this podcast of a sermon given by my pastor Scott Anderson on the passage in Acts 12: 1-18.

"One of the things that we’re constantly confronted with, when we read the book of Acts, is that the early Christians lived their lives with a very real sense of expectation - for God to be active, evident and involved in their everyday lives, and in and through their prayers. They expected to see God at work in their lives, and in the lives of others around them. And it always makes me think – Do I? Do we?

We know this is God’s world. That He made everything that is in it. That He is Lord over all of it. And that He has shown Himself to be a God who doesn’t just live off in the heavens, but who shows up in the lives of women and men, who enters into human history, who acts to bring about His kingdom and will in the lives of people just like us, and in the life of nations and empires. Yet, for all of that knowledge, the question still remains – Do we… Do you and I expect to see God at work in our lives? " --Scott

"Still shaking his head, amazed, he went to Mary's house, the Mary who was John Mark's mother.

The house was packed with praying friends. When he knocked on the door to the courtyard, a young woman named Rhoda came to see who it was. But when she recognized his voice—Peter's voice!—she was so excited and eager to tell everyone Peter was there that she forgot to open the door and left him standing in the street.

But they wouldn't believe her, dismissing her, dismissing her report. "You're crazy," they said. She stuck by her story, insisting. They still wouldn't believe her and said, "It must be his angel." All this time poor Peter was standing out in the street, knocking away.

Finally they opened up and saw him—and went wild! Peter put his hands up and calmed them down. He described how the Master had gotten him out of jail, then said, "Tell James and the brothers what's happened." He left them and went off to another place.

At daybreak the jail was in an uproar. "Where is Peter? What's happened to Peter?" --Acts 12

it's not you, it's me...

So, I just want to clarify something. I just realized that every time that I have passionately said in the past "THE CHURCH NEEDS TO BE IN RELATIONSHIP WITH THE POOR", what I meant was "I (as a part of the Church) need to be in relationship with the poor".

I don't think I've had a more obvious yet significant realization in years. My frustration "with the Church" is not really valid, if I am the part of the Church that longs to be with the poor, when I get to be with the poor --then the Church (as a result) is being with the poor.

Of course, I believe that the Church should be caring for the poor. I also believe that no one should be doing this alone. There are others in the body who long to be with the poor as much as I do and as we find each other, we ought to be loving the poor together. The rest of the body can/should support this (through prayer, financially, etc.) without it being their primary call just as I need to support the things that are on other people's hearts even if those things are not my primary call.

It is not an excuse for anyone to not reach out to their neighbor but, it is freeing for me. I know this is SO obvious but, I hadn't seen it this way before.

rainy, beautiful, hopeful

Last night I stayed up until an unreasonable hour talking to one of my lovely housemates. "I am younger now than I was five years ago," I said after she pointed out how surprisingly complicated I am. (There are parts of me that are so calm and together and others that seem so insecure and out of place.)

The past 10 days have been so packed full of work, relationships, hopes, questions, etc. that I am feeling overwhelmed with the gifts in my life. I'm thinking through a pretty big decision right now about the type of work I want to pursue this next year and about trying to stay in DC for possibly a couple more years.

I am more than flirting with the idea of staying here for a couple of years and that emotional posture is obvious as I look around and see the needs in my community and wonder how we can be a part of doing something to help. That got me into a very intense discussion with a friend that ultimately made me realize that as much as I want to be detached, I genuinely care.

Then Easter came. Well, first we came to Dark Friday. It was not good, it was the darkest day, and it was deathly silent. Saturday was grey and rainy. We stayed up all night waiting expectantly for the rejoicing in the new day and returning of life. It was the most beautiful celebration that I’ve ever been a part of in my whole life. God became human, He identified himself fully with us, He loved us, and then we crucified Him. It was death like all others and yet unlike any death, it was the death of the Son of God, God himself? What an incomprehensible mystery.

Then He rose from death. He was dead and now He is ALIVE! Life was returned to where there was none. That is why I can be younger today than I was five years ago. Life can be restored. We can be renewed; hope can be found where it was lost. I hope for hope for my friend who lives on the streets because He lost everything accidentally. I hope for hope for my friend who has lost her best friend. I hope for hope and life.

Advent Retreat 2009

thinking about horizontal-ness and resting

This weekend I went on a ‘retreat’ with my church here in DC. I tried not to think about it too much before we went so that I would just take it as it happened and enjoy it for what it was. I was a bit tired because I’ve been sick recently and I got to drive but, otherwise, it was a good time.

I got to meet some new people and I got to connect with some people that I’d met before but, I didn’t know that well. I am happy to be a part of a community of people like this in DC. As a friend told me recently, for whatever flaws we have as a community, each one of us has come as somewhat disconnected individuals to find a type of family there.

Even so, I’ve been thinking a lot recently about the ‘type’ of community that we are and have so many things bouncing around in my head. One of those things is that our church is located in Columbia Heights it is such a racially diverse part of the city but, our community doesn’t reflect that diversity very well.

“Left ravaged and forgotten for decades following the race riots in 1968, Columbia Heights has been the focus of a revitalization initiative since 1999. […] It is a microcosm of the unique crossroads of wealth and poverty, power and weakness that is Washington, DC,...”

So, I’ve been thinking a lot about what my role is as a part of a local church. I’ve been thinking about the Church as a “community of priests” and each and every one of us having a role in being the voice, hands, and feet of the Church. I’ve been thinking about the needs and opportunities in the neighborhood and in what ways we can be “incarnational” by loving our community in practical ways.

The Advent vision states that, “We believe that a healthy church ought to be two dimensional: vertical and horizontal. By means of the vertical dimension, people experience reconciliation and peace with God, and are moved to worship and serve Him. Through the horizontal dimension, people experience reconciliation and peace with one another, and are moved to care for one another and work for the common good.”

I have a deep sense of being loved by the people in the community and at the same time, I think that we could do better at reaching out to the surrounding community. It isn’t going to be easy but, I think that we could do better. I guess what I’ve been thinking about a lot is what am I supposed to do or not do about it. I’m hesitant to just get busy for the sake of being busy but, I’m also wary of not doing anything at all.

This is more of a reflection of my own struggle with what type of commitment I should make to Advent and what kind of things I should commit myself to. I don’t want to over-extend myself and not do anything well but, I also don’t want to sit back and do nothing at all. I am trying to discern how I am called to serve horizontally and how I am going to grow intentionally in knowing Christ and in spiritual friendship with others in my community.

This weekend I felt all the intensity of my desire to love our neighbors and then I was told very directly that I should not worry about those things that it is good for me to learn how to rest and trust that all good things will be done at the right time. Maybe I am not ready to move out of the season of waiting, maybe I still need to learn to rest. That’s ok. I will try not to worry. I will just continue to be and do what seems natural to me. I think I realized this weekend that I AM connected to people in this community even if I feel new and unsure about the role I play.

lauren shea little

Last Friday evening I got to go with two good friends to an artistic event called Pictures at an Exhibit. It was based in reverse on the famous suite of ten piano pieces composed by Modest Mussorgsky in 1874. He walked through an art exhibit and then wrote his music based on his response to the paintings. This exhibit was my friend Lauren Little's personal journey in responding to the music.

It was refreshing to my spirit to listen to a beautiful piano piece and then engage the art. My friend Lauren Little gave a short statement about her show and her journey through pain, grieving, solitude, community, and healing to create the paintings. It was good.

I was surprised because the first real conversation that I ever had with Lauren became part of the direction she went with one of her paintings. "The Wounded Healer is at the Gate". It made me realize that I am so very blessed to be in the community that I am in right now. It is enriching to grow into each others lives in that way. It was beautiful.

More About Extended-Day...

One thing that is super interesting about working at Hope is how many people I see there from my Church. I love it. Let me see, there are at least 6 people other than myself and probably a couple more that I haven't remembered just now. It is really great. Today, as I was waiting to pick up my kids Brian, super cheerful Brian, from Church came out of the classroom. "Brian?!" I said. It turns out that he was volunteering for the day. What a joy to see familiar and friendly faces at work!

Yesterday, I got to go with the kids on a field trip to see a play called Freedom Train about Harriet Tubman at GW. It was unbelievable taking all those kids on the Metro half way across the city. So, the classroom... ok, well, it's better than it was last week but... I will not lie. It is hard and we have a lot of improving to do. I think it will get better. I was exhausted today when I walked out of school. I can only imagine how tired those kids must be, they have a LONG day at school.

I still feel a little bit unsettled but, I am enjoying all these things that I'm doing. Looking for a house, for another friend to live with us, for another job, for other opportunities... what a blessing to have such a full life! Oh! The best thing that happened to me this week was that I made a new friend. Well, I hope that we'll be friends. At small group from Church last night, I met a Argentinean-Chilean couple. They were super friendly and I am going to hang out with them during the inauguration. I'm excited about that.

Mourning Separation

We see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face.
Now we know in part; then we shall understand fully,
even as we have been fully understood.
I Corinthians 13

This morning as I was wandering around the internet, I realized that Richard John Neuhaus the long-time editor of First Things --a religious journal on theology, culture, and politics-- just died. I have from time to time been deeply grateful for the articles and essays published in the journal and on their website. At times it is a bit over my head but, most of the time it is very helpful to see excellent theological-political thinking.

Anyway, I just was touched by the thought of death and these words, "My tears are not for him—for he knew, all his life, that his Redeemer lives, and he has now been gathered by the Lord in whom he trusted." I read the news of his death after I was thinking about the song "O Come and Mourn with Me a While" ...

A broken heart, a fount of tears,
Ask, and they will not be denied;
A broken heart love’s cradle is:
Jesus our Lord is crucified.

And victory remains with love,
Jesus our Lord is crucified!

Love's victory doesn't tell us to not mourn or shed tears even though they are found deeply rooted in hope that one day all things will be made right.

Neuhaus was a Lutheran who became Roman Catholic. In this essay he tells the story of that journey towards converting to Roman Catholicism. It is interesting to come across this today since the question of Catholicism vs Evangelicalism has been very present in my heart in the past months.

I will probably sit down to read his story once again soon but, a couple little things stood out to me: "The great confessional Lutheran theologian Peter Brunner regularly said that a Lutheran who does not daily ask himself why he is not a Roman Catholic cannot know why he is a Lutheran." I loved how he ended his story, I love the spirit with which Neuhaus wrote:

As for now, I end where I began—as in my life’s course I began where I have ended by saying again: “To those of you with whom I have traveled in the past, know that we travel together still. In the mystery of Christ and his Church nothing is lost, and the broken will be mended. If, as I am persuaded, my communion with Christ’s Church is now the fuller, then it follows that my unity with all who are in Christ is now the stronger. We travel together still.”

"Excuse me, do you speak Spanish?"

Santa Ana is a city with a story of its own and with it is my story. The story of all the failed attempts at visiting it and then finally, on a whim, leaving after work to get a glimpse of the fantastic cathedral and the picturesque plaza. It was gorgeous.

I don't know how to pray...

My perspective on life has suddenly been deeply and lovingly challenged this week. I am about to go to bed tonight, I need my sleep because I'm going into the rest of a challenging week but, excited to see what is going to happen.

I just talked to a dear, dear friend in Japan. We are so many thousand miles apart and yet, our hearts and spirits are still asking many of the same questions in our very different contexts. We want to learn how to love others and we do not want to grow indifferent or apathetic in the situations which we find ourselves. How do we respond to the exclusive attitude that many Christians we've been associated with in the past maintain? How do we love them without adopting their stance towards others? I miss her and love having her in my life.

Earlier, I was expressing my concerns about the next step in my journey and I received the wise advice to not worry. To trust that the God who is good will guide my steps in the direction that he knows is best. But, that is not all...

Yesterday, I went to a worship service like I haven't been to since Trinity. Having so many voices all in the same building singing together cannot help but make you smile. All of these young people, singing together and seeking to learn how to trust in and love God with all their heart, mind, and soul is encouraging. I was beautiful. Not so much because of what was said or done but because of the intention of it all. People seeking to know Jesus as the source of the true, the good, and the beautiful.

Maybe not at the moment, I am more of a small group kind of a person, but afterward I realized how much I miss my friends from other times and places who would pray with me and read the Bible with me. (I love that here, where I live right now, we read the Bible and pray together every morning before everyone leaves to work and school, it's really cool.) There is that side of me that misses those honest and earnest "living the questions" kind of friendships.

Then, as I got to talk with my newest friend here about some of these things. I realized a couple other things. First of all, that Jesus truly shines through people and it is a gift to be around someone who shines that way. I was reminded that Christians talk about Jesus because He gives hope and joy in the midst of the questions of life, not because there is any obligation to. It made me actually want to sit down and read through the life of Jesus again and pray. I think that prayer often changes our heart more than the circumstances we are in, but that is good.

I should go to bed but, I wanted to say this (and I know that Miriam and Rebecka will understand) I miss the Eucharist. I truly believe (for as much as the Holy Trinity is one of my favorite theological mysteries because of the implications for community) that the Eucharist is the most beautiful mystery of all. I love going to Church for the moment during the service when we come to the Eucharist and we are reminded that it is by Jesus living in and through us that we have life. It's through Jesus we know love, forgiveness, reconciliation, and hope.

It's uncomfortable, that's all I know...

Here are the contrasts that I live with...

The first conversation is with a dear loved friend who has found themself confused, frustrated, and generally feeling out of place in the traditional organized church. I listened carefully, there are so many reasons to be discomforted and displaced by 'the church' the way that we humans so often do it.

The second conversation is with a newer friend who quite confidently and offhandedly says 'People who say they're uncomfortable with the organized church annoy me.' I listened and chose not to say anything. I didn't want to let my mind wander with the thought that my first friend was right --the church is no place to have questions.

On the one hand I understand both set of frustrations and on the other, I'm not sure what I think about it all.

What does it all mean?

What does it mean to be a person? Do we exist when we are not in relationship with other people? What does it mean to be a Christian? What does it mean to be in a relationship with Jesus? What does it mean?

In the past three weeks I've had three conversations that have revolved around those questions and I cannot say that I have an answer. The truth is that personhood is hard to define outside of our relationship with other people. Meaning and purpose seem to be tied up almost inextricably with being in relationship with other people.

Now, a Christian [all those experiences that make us think that Christianity is about a set of rules need to be set aside for a minute], a Christian is someone who is in relationship with the Christ, Jesus. What does that mean? I mean, I guess there are some people who live a kind of supra-human life where they live in this state of blessed 'otherness' and are connected to some supernatural spiritual being or something all the time.

I am not one of those people. I believe that God exists, that He is personal, and He loves me but, how do I believe that? Well, you could say that there is something supernatural or mysterious about that belief. I don't know how I believe it. Many times I experience rest I cannot explain and unsettledness that I cannot escape. One of my recent conversations has been with a friend who feels like Christianity is rational. Like we can explain everything and Christianity can explain everything.

I want to believe that but, I'm afraid that it doesn't really work that way. Can it be that the rational explanations only make sense to some people? Or is it that they seem rational only after something mysterious and spiritual happens in a person so that they can understand it? That isn't the kind of rationality that we're all talking about. As comfortably as we can explain everything in light of Christianity it doesn't mean that those explanations will make sense to everyone.

But, that's fine. Really, I'm ok with the mystery and not being able to understand everything. The truth is that those things that have demonstrated themselves to be true have been true consistently and even though I am not looking around for proofs, it is comforting to any person to see how the mysterious things you believe can comfort you even in the most uncomfortable situations.

What does it mean to be in relationship with Jesus? At least for me, He often feels absent. Yet, what He said was that He wanted us to continue to meet with other followers of Jesus and that in those meetings He would be present. This is where the idea of Church, meetings, and community come from. The idea that aside from the community of Christians we will be missing out on our relationship with Jesus. Other people are not Jesus, thank goodness, but they are the expression of our relationship with Jesus here and now. I don't understand it but, that is what it is.

Now, one of my other conversations had to do with the expression of Christian community. There are those people who would die if they heard of a Christian who had stopped going to an established Church group but, the fact of the matter that even the most organized Churches are still groups of Christians who voluntarily continue to gather together. I guess we could have a long discussion about authority, sound doctrine, and other things but, when it comes to knowing Jesus I think that gathering and sharing life with other Christians is what is most important.

Generally, I would say that the commitment of organized Christianity that forces you to interact with people other than those you would naturally choose and work through differences is one of the most challenging and growing experiences a person can have. But, the voluntary commitment to share life with others is one that all Christians should feel compelled to make and most do, even if it doesn't look the way you might expect it to. That is at least a part of what it means to be in relationship with Jesus.

people, people, people

I've spent the last few evenings in good company and yet in very different settings. On Wednesday I got to go to a major league baseball game for the second time in my life. It was the Washington Nationals vs the Philadelphia Phillies. I might not need to say it but, for those who haven't been following baseball recently --the Phillies won. The best part of the game were the people who I got to go with. The people who have made being 'all here while I'm here' fun and encouraging.

The following night was also a great time because of the people but it was an entirely different setting. I went to Evermay for an intimate evening talking about books and other things. Sometimes, I feel overwhelmed in that type of setting and yet I also feel strangely welcomed into the Trinity Forum community.

Friday night, I got to join a really amazing group of girls for a relaxing girl's night. Talking, eating, playing games, it was a refreshing evening. The following night, I gathered together with my TFA friends and my dinner group from Easton. They drove all the way out to DC to have dinner with us! What a time! There was something that felt more relaxed than usual about that evening as well.

Then Sunday night, I got together with all my new but precious friends from Church of the Advent. More talking than I was ready for (I was wanting to play some frisbee) but, it was another affirming time with people who I want to continue knowing.

not too spiritual sunday reflections

Today, we had decided to go to ChinaTown in the morning before going to the Church of the Advent where I have decided to make my home in the midst of not having anything else certain or established. I figure that if nothing else is regular or routine there is no real good reason to make going to Church one more of those dreaded events that involve meeting a lot of new people and explaining who you are and what you're doing in the city.

So, we went and decided to visit a church that is in ChinaTown before we went and walked around the Portrait Gallery for a while. What was interesting about going to church in the morning is that we got to see Jenn! I hadn't been expecting to see her there and I knew that she was leaving the next day. It was so nice to get to see her one more time before she takes off on a pretty interesting trip around the world (literally). After church we went to the Portrait Gallery, like I said, and it was good. I really enjoy that Gallery.

Later, we went to Advent. It was nice to get to talk to some of the people that I've met the other weeks that I've been there. Certainly some great people that would make great friends if I could stick around. I really enjoyed hearing Brian's stories about taking pictures at a $400,000 Bar Mitzvah . . . it was ridiculous. It's interesting to meet people who've been in the city shorter amounts of time that I have and realizing that my story is actually everyone's story.

Still no job. I'm going to the WestCoast for a visit...