el mundial

Hoy en la tardé fuí a ver el partido entre EEUU e Inglatera en unas pantallas grandes con un grupo sorprendentemente grande de personas fantaticas del futbol.  La verdad es que no entiendo a las personas que son muy groseras y abusivas por un juego.  Yo me puedo emocionar con un gol o un gol aproximado pero, no me parece tan importante como para gritarle groserías a cada persona.  Creo que tendré que ver el resto de los juegos desde mi casa...

Estoy en mi casa ahora mismo esperando...  Llevo más de un par de horas sola aquí en la casa.  Me deja pensativa porque tengo cosas que debería estar haciendo ahora mismo pero, la verdad es que no tengo ganas de nada.  Es raro como puede hacerte sentir una casa silenciosa y solitaria.

Communité

The word "community" is derived from the Old French communité which is derived from the Latin communitas (cum, "with/together" + munus, "gift"), a broad term for fellowship or organized society.

Once again I am plagued with the fear that I have failed to live up to these things which I claim to believe.  Principally, that "community" is something deeply, deeply important. I know I believe this but, I am afraid that I feel at a loss as to what my place ought to be in community.

I'm thinking that I like the origin of the word because I think that community really is a gift.  A gift that ought not be taken without deep gratitude.  Nevertheless, I still wonder.  Am I living generously and gratefully towards and for my community?  Or am I holding back?

I wonder sometimes how deep the community bonds are.  I'm afraid of not being missed because somehow I didn't live grateful for what I was given.  It is so selfish to want to be missed so, perhaps that ought to be the lesson I learn.

However, I do wonder if I have given what I could and if I have invited people into welcoming hospitality as often as I should.  I'm afraid of failing to be a good friend.  I think that is one of my biggest fears.

the fun part is now

I just started reading this book called The Happiness Project and even though some people might find it kind of formulaic, I love it.  It fits my lists and checklists kind of personality.  Or maybe I think that some great advice seems SO old fashioned that we overlook it.  I love that kind of thing.  So, I might mention a few of the things I enjoyed from my reading in the next few blog posts. 

"If I can enjoy the present, I don't need to count on the happiness that is (or isn't) waiting for me in the future.  The fun part doesn't come later, now is the fun part."

That advice fits with one of my current major goals in life, which is to enjoy the moment that I'm in.  I have some big exciting changes coming up and I don't want to short-change the present because of my excitement for the future.   It is hard to remember sometimes that the "fun part is now" even though I'm sure I'll look back on these days with fondness.

thoughts on ash wednesday

"Yet even now," declares the LORD,
"return to me with all your heart,
with fasting, with weeping, and with mourning;
and rend your hearts and not your garments."
Return to the LORD your God,
for he is gracious and merciful,
slow to anger, and abounding in steadfast love;
and he relents over disaster.”
Joel 2:12-13  

Today is Ash Wednesday. In the liturgical tradition it is the beginning of the season of Lent. I was just reminded by a friend on the Christian journey that 

“Lent is an ancient Christian tradition that began as a way for Christians to join with new converts as they prepared to be baptized at Easter. It was a time for new converts / baptismal candidates to reflect on their need for Christ and walk in repentance, and the larger community of Christians would join them in this. To help in this, Christians have historically embraced some sort of fast – as a way of tangibly pulling one’s life (heart, thoughts, habits) into the way of self-denial and repentance. These are not simply initiation rites, but are essential daily practices in a life lived with God.”

I chose not to go to the Ash Wednesday service tonight because I wanted to make sure that I actually took the time to reflect on the meaning of this season and where I should examine my own heart. Why do people think of it as just a time to fast from something? Is that what it’s really about? I don’t think that it’s about fasting but, about seeking to give ourselves over to knowing God in a more intentional way. God is not any more available during this time than He is at any other time of the year. We are the ones that need markers in our lives, on our calendars to remind us that we have a lot more to receive that we’ve been aware of. 

I wonder how I can seek to know God more and see what He is doing around me so that I can join with him. I think that anything that allows me to love others well is important, which means I need to rest more and reflect more. Remembering that I need rest but that healing happens within community. Christ is found in the body of Christ. If I want to know Him more, I need to learn to enter into community as well. I need to “fast” from those things that lead me to fatigue instead of enthusiasm for loving and participating in relationship with others.

some bonhoeffer

Thank you Megan, this is perfect.

"Nothing can make up for the absence of someone who we love, and it would be wrong to find a substitute; we must simply hold out and see it through. That sounds very hard at first, but at the same time it is a great consolation, for the gap, as long it remains unfilled, preserves the bonds between us. It is nonsense to say that God fills the gap; God does not fill it, but on the contrary, God keeps it empty and so helps us keep alive our former communion with each other, even at the cost of pain ... The dearer and richer our memories, the more difficult the separation. But beauties of the past are borne, not as a thorn in the flesh, but as a previous gift in themselves. We must take care not to wallow in our memories or to hand ourselves over to them, just as we don’t gaze all the time at a valuable present, but only at special times, and apart from the keep it simply as a hidden treasure that is ours for certain. In this way the past gives us lasting joy and strength."

Dietrich Bonheoffer

happy (lunar) new year!

I forgot to say "happy year of the tiger" to everyone on Sunday.  I've been enjoying the "lunar new year" stamps these days as I've been loving the snow break to write cards to my friends. I think this is going to be the best year of the tiger ever.

That being said, we went back to school today after our snow storm break.  We were thinking of all the snow related compound words like "snowman", "snowball", "snowflake"... I also had to respond to the principle's question about individual's intent to return next year.  

To be honest, I teared up as I was writing it.  I am going to miss it there.  I have had a very good experience and feel like I've learned a lot.  The people have been so incredible and I'm so thankful for such a wonderful team of people.  I know I'm not leaving yet but, I want to make the most of it.

Not that I'm completely sad.  The truth is that I'm mostly happy because in addition to having to say goodbye to lots of wonderful things in my life, this year is also going to be filled with new and wonderful things (like getting married) and hopefully experiencing and learning in another school setting.

what type are you?

I just took this witty test called "What type are you?"  It turns out that my type is Archer Hairline "a modern typeface with a straightforward appearance with tiny outbreaks of elegance and tiny dots of emotion".  Maybe there's something to it!  

This week I've been thinking about "outbreaks of emotion" and have found myself faced with my humanity and my inability to communicate well the complexity of my feelings.  I can be irritable and inconsiderate in ways that make me feel ashamed and yet, I admit that these are certainly areas where I've seen improvement which is at least a little bit comforting.

Snow! Snow! Snow!

So, if you didn't know about it already I have been in DC this past week with school canceled due to an overwhelming blizzard like snow storm.  I've actually enjoyed it, I feel like I'm living something historical!  I was also trying to recover from a pretty bad cold so, being forced to stay in was helpful.

The best part about being caught in the biggest snowstorm in the recent history of Washington, DC is that it has allowed (or forced) me to rest and reevaluate my life in a really good way.  I have had time to set goals for the next few months and think about what I'll need to do to meet those goals.  I've been working on pick up some important habits that I've let go of.  I think that integrating important habits that allow me to read more, write more, and be more active will give me an overall sense of health that is important.

Solace in Friendship

I just finished reading this memoir, Truth & Beauty by Ann Patchett. On the back of the book it reads: "Truth & Beauty is Patchett's tribute to Lucy Grealy, at once a grief-haunted eulogy and a larger meditation on the solace and limitations of friendship." The questions in the book about love and friendship are so very intense.

I've been thinking about it quite a bit, especially because I have several students who are in the second grade and I can see them as they struggle feeling like they are not loved. Even though there are broken relationships in their homes the girls still have the idea that getting married will solve all their problems and that only in that way they will live happily ever after.

It's fascinating to think of "the solace and limitations of friendship". When I look at my own life I am profoundly grateful for the friendships in my life, particularly the girls who have been my friends, and I think that I have so much solace in those relationships. Many of those friendships have been rich and delightful. On the other hand, the theme of many friendships has often included questions like "will I ever be loved?" or "will I ever get married?".

I've often thought about how strange the question of being loved is in the context of a friendship. The question of "will I ever be loved?" doesn't mean the same thing as "am I loved by anyone?". That strange craving to have ONE person love you beyond and above everyone else is a different desire than having a friend love you. I've been lucky to have friendships that are deep, comforting, transparent, and unbounded. Having friends can be so satisfying but, for some reason, friendships don't seem to satisfy in THAT way. It's kind of hard to realize that as a friend you are only partially satisfying. It's strange.

Real friendships are gifts and I'm still thinking about the limitations of friendships in light of how lovely they are, I'm still thinking about it.

Resurrection

I live my life very intensely. I have always known this but sometimes it is made more clear to me than others. One thing that I've learned about myself in the past year is that there is a type of darkness to living life so intensely.

What I mean is that I am usually either dead or alive. I feel like I die and am resurrected on a regular basis. I live life with a shadow hanging over me or at least it is near me most of the time. Most of the time, I ignore it and live enjoying all the absolutely wonderful things about life.

Sometimes, however, the shadow is able to swallow me and I die. Really. I die. I am not alive during that time. I am dead, intensely dead. Then, something miraculous happens and I am resurrected. It is like the sign of the greater resurrection, it will happen one day and last forever. I look forward to that shadow being cast away forever.

I was just thinking about this because this week I feel alive, intensely alive and it's good. Sometimes I let myself dread the shadow but, mostly I love that I get to live.

I need to spend more time alone...

I’ve always loved how Henri talks about Solitude and Community. In some ways it is because I am someone who needs a lot of it but also because I think that most people need more of it. I have always felt encouraged and challenged by the way Henri talks about Prayer and Spirituality in general.

Recently, I’ve been feeling the questions that he raises at the beginning of “Clowning in Rome”. “It is in the midst of this dark world that we are invited to live and radiate hope. Is it possible? …How can we live in home so as to give hope? And how do we find true joy?”

I think that I’ve often allowed myself be depleted of creative and loving energy by trying to be always present to other people and always thinking that I ought to be able to nurture or meet other people’s needs.

Henri talks about how that type of thinking is dangerous and that we should think of our “fellow human beings not as partners who satisfy our deepest needs, but as brothers and sisters with whom we are called to give visibility to God’s all-embracing love.” When we take the time to be alone we realize that community is less something we make than something we receive.

Henri writes, “Whenever we pray alone, study, read, write, or simply spend quiet time away from the places where we interact with each other directly, we are potentially opened for a deeper intimacy with each other. It is a fallacy to think that we grow closer to each other only when we talk, play, or work together… in solitude our intimacy with each other is deepened… If we base our life together on our physical proximity, on our ability to spend time together, speak with each other, eat together, and worship together, life quickly starts fluctuating according to moods, personal attractiveness and mutual compatibility, and thus becomes very demanding and tiring…gentleness, peacefulness, and the inner freedom to move closer to each other, or to withdraw from each other, are nurtured in solitude.”

He talks about how we find our identity in solitude and it allows us to reach out to others because it calls us to deeper love. It isn’t that we become hermits but, that we have space to recognize that other people can never completely fulfill us. He talks about solitude with others and I like that idea: “Silence and solitude do not attract us when we are busy and preoccupied. Thus we have to structure some short periods of time when we can be alone, together. Being alone with God for yourself is a very different experience from being alone with God as part of your life together.” I think that is a beautiful idea and I want to continue thinking about it for a while.

I have a problem. Recently, I get a sense of anxiety when I'm at Church. I don't enjoy it so, I don't feel like going to Church anymore. I don't know why exactly, but I've been thinking about it and I wonder if it has something to do with my craving for quality one-on-one time with people and conversations about transcendent types of things. Recently, the conversations after Church usually end up being a rapid pace of fast "how was your week?" superficial conversations which I get tired of really fast.

The other problem is that recently, Church is one of the only spaces where I pull out my notebook and get to be alone with my thoughts yet surrounded by a lot of people. I love that! But, I feel guilty when I realize that my mind is wandering and I'm not paying attention. I just wish that I had a friend or two who enjoyed being alone "together". You know? Pulling out a journal or book with a friend, maybe surrounded by people, maybe in a quieter space... and let thoughts grow and become something. Maybe after a couple of hours or a couple of days a conversation will be born and it will be meaningful. I miss that.

I want to live where the sun comes out...

I love that I have that little "blog without obligation" reminder on my blog. This really is an outlet for me. I realize that I don't feel like blogging that much when stuff is going interestingly or well in my life. I feel more like blogging when I feel kind of lonely.

I guess that's sort of pathetic but, I think it makes sense. When I have good friends around to be with and talk to, I don't need this other useful form of processing my thoughts or emotions. Even if I don't just bare my soul on here, sometimes the vagueness of it is helpful, even this is helpful. Even if no-one reads this, it is helpful. Maybe I'll hang around here more for a while.

I wanna live life and never be cruel.
I wanna live life and be good to you.

And I wanna fly and never come down.
And live my life and have friends around.

We never change, do we?
We never learn, do we?

So, I wanna live in a wooden house.

I wanna live life and always be true.
I wanna live life and be good to you.

And I wanna fly and never come down.
And live my life and have friends around.

We never change, do we?
We never learn, do we?

So I wanna live in a wooden house,
where making more friends would be easy.

Oh, and I don't have a soul to save.
Yes, and I sin every single day.

We never change, do we?
We never learn, do we?

So I wanna live in a wooden house,
Where making more friends would be easy.
I wanna live where the sun comes out ...

-Coldplay

morning ramblings

I was thinking yesterday about how hard it is for me to keep things I'm excited about to myself. If I don't want to talk about it I have to avoid people, otherwise, if they ask me "how I'm doing" I'm going to end up telling them. Gah! Woe to being transparent.

The other day, I was feeling very confused and worried so, instead of going to be with people I walked around the city for hours and went to the bookstore. It was exactly what I needed to do.

I'm still reading Till We Have Faces and it is fantastic. Summer has finally arrived (in a way) to DC and it has been very hot. Even so, the evenings cool down wonderfully... and the mornings are glorious.

The tensions continue in Honduras and the international community has been pressuring for the return of Zelaya. It's all kind of scary.

so much on my mind

They say that if you have a lot on your mind to write you should just start writing it and then your ideas will come together. I hope that happens. Last night I was talking to one of my aunts and I realized that she reads my blog! I didn't know. I wonder how many other people read my blog and I have no idea that they read it!

There is a lot on my mind, like the unrest in Honduras and the beautiful weather in DC this summer. I've been reading Till We Have Faces and more than anything experiencing the odd sensation of being "in between". I will be going on a two week trip through Central America in less than two weeks. I know that as soon as I get back my life is going to be a whirlwind of activity no matter what ends up happening to me next. I am literally experiencing the calm before the storm.

I realized this week how much I am like a bird. I can make myself at home, sing, and delight in a place but, without too much difficulty, my heart can turn and open itself up to a new adventure and a new place. I have come a long way, I promise, I believe very, very much in investing in people and in staying places. I think "staying" is a big part of changing places. But, I also believe that I am not going to fix or ruin a place and if I have opportunities to live and be alive in other places, I don't have to pass them up.

This week I've spent more time alone than I have since the first two weeks of January. I like having time alone. It makes my time with people that much more wonderful. Other things I've been thinking about a lot recently are the words of Jesus "Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? " and Solomon "For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven". Sea lo que sea, por algo será.

what is good

I just wanted to say that what is good about living with others is that sometimes it is not as easy as living alone. It can be so much more convenient to live alone. Seriously. At the same time, what is good about living with others is that it is better than living alone. Living with others gives you many more reasons to celebrate, especially when you are able to work through the not easy parts, the result is something worth celebrating.

broken thoughts on lent

I just found the note paper on which I had written down some thoughts on Sunday:

I've been thinking a bit about the season of lent... I grew up in a Catholic country where lent had a different name and my Church didn't commemorate it very intentionally... for now, I am embracing it as a time of directed refocusing. There is not time that is not open for searching our inner life for unhealthy distractions from what is true, good, and beautiful.

It is already the beginning of the second week of lent and I have already not been able to enter into the reflective discipline that I had intended to. It is not too late to get started so, I will enter the new week with renewed purpose...
...it could be seen as a time of cleansing from distractions or a time to discipline our habits. These may be two sides of the same coin of lent for me this year.

There are always distractions and recently I have decided that I am often distracted by good things from even better things. So, this is a season of discerning no "what is bad" but what is the "better thing". The challenge is choosing between good things...
...sometimes the better thing is solitude, other times the best thing is service, other times the best thing is hospitality, other times the best thing is a phone call, and other times the best thing is doing nothing at all.
...consciously stepping away from what distracts me from the "one thing that is necessary" has to be active...

when the wind blows

The wind has been blowing in the past few days. At times it is a threatening and at times it is almost soothing. If you've ever lived on the Chesapeake Bay you'll know that strong wind that makes a loud rushing whistling sound through all the house. If you leave a crack in the window the wind will get to be so strong that it will wake you up (and I'm a deep sleeper usually). I love it! Everything is so cool and fresh when the wind blows.

Last week I went to the Museo de la Palabra y de la Imagen. It is a small museum that is doing its part in helping to preserve the memories of the Civil War in El Salvador. The conflict is so complex, all sides were convinced that they were defending a righteous cause and everyone was corrupted in some way or another by the atrocity that is war. The thing that fascinates me is how the country continues to be passionately polarized. I hope that they will be able to continue to grow in peace and freedom into the future.

One week, it's good to be here

I've spent one full week at Cemujer. At times it feels like it's been longer and at times it feels like I just got here. I like being here. In some ways, it isn't at all what I expected and in other ways I don't think I had a very clear expectation of what it was going to be like. One thing I had no way to know about were the colors with which the house is painted.

I knew that it was know as the "Casa Morada" so, I expected the outside walls to be painted all purple (and maybe some of the interior ones too). Well, the house IS purple and the inside there is a purple room and as you walk further into the house the rest of the rooms are also very colorful. The ofice where I spend most of my time is painted a bright yellow and bright pink! The hallway is painted a bright orange with the oposite wall being a bright greet. And so on and so forth. Very, very colorful! Almost dizzying!

I hope to jump into a lot of the events that Cemujer is doing and do a lot more reading and writing, of course.

On a much more personal note, I'm moving again tomorrow. I realized that there IS a bus route that will take me to work and back from the Flores' house. I think it will be nice to stay with them, even though I really have no complaints with Fidelina.

I like being at work, I like El Salvador, but... I have to admit that a couple of the evenings this week when I got on the bus to go home I felt somewhat homesick (or lonely for my friends who are spread all over the place). It's not a plesant feeling but, it's also one that doesn't exactlly have a cure. I'm sure I wouldn't notice it as much if I had a lot of friends here, but the feeling remains even when you make new friends.

you know you're headed to Idaho when...

I got on the airplane headed towards Idaho and a man sat next to me. Sometimes, I don't talk to the people next to me on the airplane and sometimes I feel like I should. So, I asked him if he lived in Boise. He said no but, that he used to and was going to go fishing with one of his buddies this weekend.

I kept asking him questions and he kept telling me about himself. I found out that he loves Idaho and would love to go back there if he could. He said that he loves it because there aren't a lot of people and you can get into the mountains easily [away from people]. Not that there aren't people in Idaho who enjoy being around other people, it fits my past experience that most people that LOVE living there enjoy a significant amount of solitude.

To just make some generalized statements that cannot be true about everyone it seems like a lot of people in Idaho, love the outdoors [which is great] because they can get away from people and in reallity it seems like what they enjoy the most is not having people around who try to tell them what to do with their lives. It is good that there are people who enjoy solitude [and hopefully reflection] but, I would have to argue that learning to live with other people, communicating and sharing with them is one of the calls and challenges of the human experience.

I don't think everyone needs to move into a commune but, learning how to cultivate an appreciation for the presence of other people is an important part of life. I love being around people, that is why I feel disconnected from a lot of people here because I don't understand their intense love of being away from people.