One month...

As of last Tuesday, I've been married for a month.  It has been a busy, exhausting month but, when I think about all of the things thay we've done this month I think that getting married and living in Panama are two wonderful choices I've made in life.

Let me see, in the month of August I started teaching Spanish to 4th, 5th, 7th and 9th graders at an international school here in Panama city (less than two weeks after getting married).  I've partially moved twice this month and this week will move (hopefully for the last time) into a more permanent house.  It should be a great place to live.  I've also purchased a car and started driving in Panama city.

If you've never been to Panama you will not be able to grasp the significance of some of those acomplishments.  Driving in Panama city is one of the scariest things I've ever tried to do, I have to admit that I feel quite proud of myself for even being willing to try.  It also opens up the possibility to do a lot of things that are just impractical without a car.  We even discovered a fantastic coffee shop relatively close to my work, a great place to meet up, chat and read a book.

I've started teaching and that is a responsibility that I love.  I am thrilled to be a teacher.  This week something very exciting happened.  The International Book Fair of Panama.  Ariel and I were in heaven there.  The greatest thing that we discovered was a new literary non-ficcion journal that is starting up.  It is called El Guayacan.  I'm super excited to see something like that happening here in Panama.  I want to figure out how to be a part of something like that.

I am excited about what is happening in Panama culturally and I'm excited to maybe get to be a part of it!

Apprentice: learner, prentice, works for an expert to learn a trade

I have a lot of things rushing through my head right now. I’m tired. Being a teacher is hard. Being an apprentice is not as hard but, it’s still hard. I am being convinced, more and more, without a doubt teaching makes a difference. Teaching is probably one of the jobs that make the biggest difference in people’s lives. It may also be one of the most difficult jobs out there.

My education was so random and varied I don’t think I realized until the past couple of years that teaching is what I have been wanting to do all this time. I have wanted to be involved in helping develop stronger communities and giving people the opportunity and reasons to dream and create. All of that is hopelessly idealistic and I intend to stick to it. What it looks like in reality is much less lovely and much more incredible. The obstacles are bigger than you could imagine and the rewards are much more subtle --students learning that they like to eat vegetables, parents getting their students to the doctor, and other non-“standard based” accomplishments.

I have been working with such dedicated and excellent teachers. I admire them so much. I feel so honored and inspired working with them. Our students are actually reaching their “grade level” standards. I am exhausted but, I intend to learn all that I can so that I will also one day be as good of a teacher as the ones I’m working with right now. Their unwavering dedication to children and their learning is incredible, patience, so much patience, work, so much work, and commitment. It’s fantastic. It’s hard.

I left work feeling so disappointed. How are we supposed to teach children whose parents are caught up in their own emotional messes? If they are not nurturing their children and giving them safe homes with relationships that are secure? Some of our children are so distracted by their relational poverty that they have a very, very hard time learning. It’s difficult, but it’s still so important what we do, in spite of all the odds being against them and us, they are STILL learning. It’s hard but, it’s unbelievably rewarding.

Henri and I

Yesterday, I walked out of work and went down to the Potter’s House to get a book that I wanted to share with a friend. (It is always dangerous for me to walk into bookstores.) I got the book I was looking for… and two others.

One of them was “Clowning in Rome” by Henri Nouwen. I had heard about years ago but I had never read and it seemed so fitting to my current state of internal restlessness that I bought it. I went out from the bookstore down to Tryst (a very hip spot in Adam’s Morgan, DC) and spent several hours reading and writing. I started reading “Clowning in Rome” and felt like Nouwen (as usual) knew me and was speaking directly to my current circumstances. This has happened before.

I remember when I worked all summer in the mountains of Colorado and was feeling broken and lonely. I went down to Denver one weekend and walked into a bookstore where I saw the book “The Wounded Healer” and bought it without knowing what it was about. It was exactly what I needed to hear at that moment. Needless to say, I don’t know if everyone gets Nouwen the way I do, but I love how I feel understood by him.

National Book Festival

I'm ready to be back to sharing my thoughts. I guess I've realized that I have a hard time adjusting to new things. Change sometimes is hard for me and in the past couple of years I've become better about not venting my emotions but letting them out in small careful doses. Yesterday, I got to do something that made me so excited that I decided it would be the first thing I would write about after my short absence here.

At school on Friday one of my co-workers asked me if I was going to the National Book Festival and I said that I didn't know it was happening but, I was going to look it up! I didn't remember until late on Friday night when looked it up and I realized that Marilynne Robinson,the author of the book Gilead, was going to be there! I was so excited.

So, yesterday my friend Will and I walked down to the National Mall (in the rain) and stood in line to get her to sign our book. Julia Alvarez, the author of another book I'd read recently was signing just next to her but, I could only stand in one line at a time. Then we sat under a huge tent to hear Marilynne read part of her book Home. I thought it was great fun. If you haven't read Gilead book you should.

It was so fun to be in a place full of people who like to read, I felt quite at home!

Compliments from Strangers

The other day I got complimented on my posture by a stranger, that was strange. Compliments from strangers or new acquaintances are an interesting thing, because they are the moments when you have the honest opinion of someone who's just met you. Sometimes, they say, those first impressions are more accurate than the perspective that people have that have known you for a very long time.

I've received two interesting compliments in the past couple of days. One was the best compliment ever. I had been chatting with one of my co-workers and she asked me if I liked the show "This American Life" and I said, "YES, of course!!! I LOVE This American Life." She went on to tell me about the last show that she had listened to and THEN she told me, "I thought about it because as you were talking to me I though that your style of story-telling is very much like the one on This American Life, you could be a story-teller on This American Life".

That was the best compliment ever. I would LOVE to be a story-teller on This American Life. That would be incredible. The other compliment that I received was that I have "a literature student vibe". I often have wondered why I didn't study literature and day dream about studying literature and being a literature professor. So, today, when my other co-worker said that to me, I felt really happy and thought that maybe it's true and I shouldn't give up on that idea.

Feelin' good

I've always kind of had a thing for book lists. The truth is that sometimes I feel good about life or slightly depressed depending on how many books I have been able to mark off of my "to read" list. This is probably a ridiculous but, it's just the way I am...

Anyway, in a couple days, I'm going to be headed to Central America for a couple of weeks. As most of you know, I love Central America and traveling is one of my favorite things to do. It is also a complicated time for Central America, it will be interesting to be traveling during the next couple of weeks.

I am going to do my best to take a picture a day and post at least a couple times while I'm there.

morning ramblings

I was thinking yesterday about how hard it is for me to keep things I'm excited about to myself. If I don't want to talk about it I have to avoid people, otherwise, if they ask me "how I'm doing" I'm going to end up telling them. Gah! Woe to being transparent.

The other day, I was feeling very confused and worried so, instead of going to be with people I walked around the city for hours and went to the bookstore. It was exactly what I needed to do.

I'm still reading Till We Have Faces and it is fantastic. Summer has finally arrived (in a way) to DC and it has been very hot. Even so, the evenings cool down wonderfully... and the mornings are glorious.

The tensions continue in Honduras and the international community has been pressuring for the return of Zelaya. It's all kind of scary.

so much on my mind

They say that if you have a lot on your mind to write you should just start writing it and then your ideas will come together. I hope that happens. Last night I was talking to one of my aunts and I realized that she reads my blog! I didn't know. I wonder how many other people read my blog and I have no idea that they read it!

There is a lot on my mind, like the unrest in Honduras and the beautiful weather in DC this summer. I've been reading Till We Have Faces and more than anything experiencing the odd sensation of being "in between". I will be going on a two week trip through Central America in less than two weeks. I know that as soon as I get back my life is going to be a whirlwind of activity no matter what ends up happening to me next. I am literally experiencing the calm before the storm.

I realized this week how much I am like a bird. I can make myself at home, sing, and delight in a place but, without too much difficulty, my heart can turn and open itself up to a new adventure and a new place. I have come a long way, I promise, I believe very, very much in investing in people and in staying places. I think "staying" is a big part of changing places. But, I also believe that I am not going to fix or ruin a place and if I have opportunities to live and be alive in other places, I don't have to pass them up.

This week I've spent more time alone than I have since the first two weeks of January. I like having time alone. It makes my time with people that much more wonderful. Other things I've been thinking about a lot recently are the words of Jesus "Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? " and Solomon "For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven". Sea lo que sea, por algo será.

time to evaluate

Something is wrong when I don't have time for reading, writing, praying, studying, listening, being informed, playing and appreciating silence and beauty.

At the same time, I'm grateful for community, friends, family, food, generosity, travel, being known, and journeying with others.

el sentido de la novela

"Una novela, después de todo, no es un documento histórico,
sino una manera de viajar por el corazón humano."
Julia Alvarez

Me Talk Pretty One Day

Me Talk Pretty One Day by David Sedaris

I just finished reading Me Talk Pretty One Day and enjoyed it very much. I am a This American Life (the radio show from NPR) fan and David Sedaris is a regular contributor to that show. Therefore, I really like his somewhat dry, slightly sarcastic, yet surprisingly insightful humor.

I really enjoyed the second half of the book which includes essays about living in France. I really enjoyed the essay "Remembering My Childhood on the Continent of Africa" about stealing other people's stories and adopting them as your own. I'm sure that I've done that and that it has been done to me. There have been many times when someone will say "Hannah, tell the story about the time that..." as if it was something that had actually happened to them.

Anyway, it was a good, fast read. There are some parts of the book that causes the conservative in me to hesitate recommending it to the more conservative people in my life but, all in all it is brilliantly written. He's such a good storyteller.

View all my reviews.

all over the place

Recently I've been surprised by the many twists and turns that our lives can take. I wonder if I will loose the wonder I feel about life, it is frightening and overwhelming at times but always interesting.

• I've been wondering how I ended up being the slight "intellectual" that I am. Remembering when I read René Girard a while back, I'm still wondering about violence.
• I have many blogging friends and they often find really cool stuff.
• Leah shared this video the other day and we all know how cool TOMS are, I'd like some for Christmas!

• I'm a big fan of random improv and making fun out of simple everyday kinds of things. That is why this made me smile.
• I've been reading a book called, La Última Guinda by José Rutilio Quezada. It is about the Civil War here in El Salvador. I was even privileged enough to meet the author of the book!
  

Remembering Romero

"The death of Monseñor Romero"

On Monday, I went to the UCA (Central American University, San Salvador) where on November 16, 1989 six Jesuit priests, their housekeeper and her daughter in El Salvador were brutally murdered by members of the Salvadoran military.

At the University there is a small museum to remember the Jesuits who died (the pictures were so awful that I actually started crying and couldn't look at all of them) and also Monseñor Oscar Romero who was the Archbishop of San Salvador until March 24, 2980 when he was murdered just as he as he held the consecrated host up during Mass. Monseñor Romero was an interesting figure in the history of the war. He's probably the most well known name from that time.

He was chosen as Archbishop because he was known for being conservative, the church, government, and everyone else involved didn't expect him to become a problem for the government. Romero, however, as he started to identify with the situation that the poor were living in, he became "a voice to the voiceless". Soon, there was concern that his teachings would motivate the opposition, the guerrilla, and those with Communist tendencies and the order was given to assassinate him.

"If they kill me, I will resurrect in my people."

For those who have done any reading in "global theologies" you might find it interesting that as I was walking around the UCA, my friend pointed at a man and said, "That is Jon Sobrino." I was so suprised! I had forgotten that he was here in El Salvador. He is one of the current day "liberation theologians" and was given an admonishment by the Vatican for his work. I had looked at some of his work while I was in college, I didn't get to talk to him but it was kind of cool to see him from a distance.

the mariachis, we and me

Last night, I saw some mariachis singing. Fun stuff.

Yesterday, I read the book "We are Smarter than Me" all about social networking how to use 'crowdsourcing' in business. Very interesting stuff. One thing that I noticed in the book was how important it was in many cases to still have a leader and someone guiding the conversation or direction of the business. The crowd all by itself is probably going to loose focus, but with the right leadership the crowd is capable of pretty amazing stuff. It's also amazing what people are willing to do for very little return other than a sense of belonging and importance.

The Shack by William P. Young

My review

Rating: 3 of 5 stars

It's hard to describe this book. You could say that it is fiction or maybe not. It certainly throws you for a loop and challenges your perceptions of God and reality. As a book, it isn't the most incredible piece of literature I've ever read and it is very America specific (which makes sense because that is where the events happen). For those people who would like to use it in different cultures I might be cautious, spirituality is an interesting thing to try to cross-cultures with. But, all in all, I have to say that I liked it and would be really curious to hear what other people thought of it.

http://theshackbook.com/

people, people, people

I've spent the last few evenings in good company and yet in very different settings. On Wednesday I got to go to a major league baseball game for the second time in my life. It was the Washington Nationals vs the Philadelphia Phillies. I might not need to say it but, for those who haven't been following baseball recently --the Phillies won. The best part of the game were the people who I got to go with. The people who have made being 'all here while I'm here' fun and encouraging.

The following night was also a great time because of the people but it was an entirely different setting. I went to Evermay for an intimate evening talking about books and other things. Sometimes, I feel overwhelmed in that type of setting and yet I also feel strangely welcomed into the Trinity Forum community.

Friday night, I got to join a really amazing group of girls for a relaxing girl's night. Talking, eating, playing games, it was a refreshing evening. The following night, I gathered together with my TFA friends and my dinner group from Easton. They drove all the way out to DC to have dinner with us! What a time! There was something that felt more relaxed than usual about that evening as well.

Then Sunday night, I got together with all my new but precious friends from Church of the Advent. More talking than I was ready for (I was wanting to play some frisbee) but, it was another affirming time with people who I want to continue knowing.

Darfur: Twenty Years of War and Genocide in Sudan

Yesterday, I got to hear Leora Kahn talk about the new book Darfur: Twenty Years of War and Genocide in Sudan. It is a collection of photographs re-telling the story of Sudan over the past twenty years. The photography is haunting and beautiful in a terrifying kind of a way. The situation in Sudan is difficult to understand. The cruelty and violence that has been perpetrated against the people of Sudan by their own people is so horrible. At this point, the lack of food, water, shelter, and safety are the things that are taking the most lives but, the government of Sudan is not allowing help to freely enter into their country. It is such a tragedy. [The cover of the book is the picture of a woman who is only 40 years old. She died the day after the picture was taken.]

two handsome men

A friend of mine just sent me a link to a story written about the most handsome George Clooney by my favorite writer from Africa, Ishmael Beah. I love Ishmael. I think everyone should read his book, A Long Way Gone. I got to see Ishmael last year when I was in Easton. It was one of the first things that happened after I moved to Maryland and it may still be one of my favorite things about the whole year.

I believe that we need to realize that these kinds of things are still going on today. The type of violence and abuse that he experienced was appalling. Even so, there is a kind of resiliency in the human spirit that I find so encouraging and inspiring. I've seen little bits of it in myself and I find it all the time in other people who have experienced terrible things.

night

Today I went to the Holocaust Memorial Museum. Now, that is an encounter with human history that is hard to comprehend. It is hard to understand how such a large number of people were able to suspend their inner sense of dignity and respect for other human beings. Was it desperation, fear or just simple depravity?

As I walked through the Museum I remembered and thought about the book "Night" by Elie Wiesel that read a little while back. The sense of despair that he experienced when he encountered the death and abuse of all of his family and people. Recently, I heard an interview with Elie Wiesel in the which he expressed his approach to God in the midst of the unspeakable and unexplainable atrocities experienced and committed by humanity.

The awful events that occurred to Wiesel haunt him. In one of his speeches he said, "No one may speak for the dead, no one may interpret their mutilated dreams and visions. And yet, I sense their presence. I always do - and at this moment more than ever." He urges us and reminds us that "Our lives no longer belong to us alone; they belong to all those who need us desperately." How should we respond to the atrocities which continue all over the world? What does it mean that our lives "no longer belong to us alone"?

encountering the stranger, fragments

A city is filled with strangers. All types of strangers. Some you might want to meet and many others you may never want to encounter. Most of them seem to be looking blankly into the distance with a burden of worry or boredom creating distance between them and the rest of the world. Camus introduces us to the most alienated of strangers. "The Stranger" is not familiar with the emotions of belonging or love that might tie him to others or give him reason for his future. Empty. The stranger has no sense of meaning in life and all his relationships are so shallow that he takes no inspiration from them. There is no greater purpose for his life.

When we continue on in this way we have no reason to live and whatever it is that makes us want to is incomprehensible. When the strangers on the bus or in the metro encounter one another there is a renewed hope that we may find meaning after all. These encounters are mere shadows of what true relationship involves but at least they can remind us that we are human and that there is something beautiful under the masks that we so often wear. Opportunities abound to enter into relationship and yet they are missed because we fear being rejected if people see our true face, our weakness, our fear, or our failure. Because of this we remain strangers to one another, we stare with empty gazes into the future waiting for someone to instill some meaning into our existence.