familiar faces

Yesterday, I was sitting in our Wednesday afternoon meeting when the person facilitating the meeting put on a short video to try to illustrate a point about "worldview". I was watching the video when suddenly a familiar face showed up on the screen. It was Os Guinness. 

I don’t know if you’ve ever had that feeling of being somewhere new where you don’t know anyone and suddenly, you see someone you know. It is such a delightful feeling. You might to believe this but, my eyes filled up with tears as if I had just been joined by a dear friend in a strange place. 

I looked around the room and wondered why I felt that way and I thought about the fact that I’ve shared more meals with Os than I have with any of my co-workers. I’ve had more challenging conversations with Os than with any of my co-workers. It seems so odd and yet so natural, to feel a missing pang for someone like Os Guinness. 

It made me feel a bit nostalgic but, mostly thankful. The truth is that last night I was thinking about the fact that even though I eventually I might miss the intellectual part of Washington a bit, I really feel much more useful here in Panama. It’s nice to be surrounded by people like that but, it feels much more useful to be in a place where teaching people to think is needed.

the fourth

I'm so happy that I got to spend the 4th of July in DC this year.  It was my first time to spend it here in Washington.  It makes for a fitting last weekend.  That culminating in fireworks kind of last weekend.  I think that I feel just the way I should right now, deeply thankful for the opportunities, experiences, and friendships that I've made here and utterly thrilled at moving back to Panama.

I've shed a couple tears at some goodbyes.  I wish with all my heart that it was easier to just come and go, to be able to see loved ones with all the ease of calling up and saying "Hey! Let's get together!"  Nevertheless, I am confident that this place and these people will be in my life long after I have left and possibly moved multiple times.  It has been meaningful and worthy of a grand fireworks display.

telling stories

Today, my brothers and I headed over to the American Art Gallery and saw the new Norman Rockwell exhibit.  The exhibit is called, Telling Stories: Norman Rockwell from the Collections of George Lucas and Steven Spielberg. 

I love Norman Rockwell probably just as much as the next person.  His paintings are warm and personal.  You feel like you could and would like to know most of the people in his paintings.  He gives you a sense that things are well or that they will turn out well. 

It was interesting to look at the collections from the perspective of George Lucas and Steven Spielberg since they are such successful film directors.  The emphasized that one of the things that they love about Norman Rockwell's paintings that he tells a story in one frame.  He captures details, emotions, and even action in a single picture.  

I love that idea and as I think about storytelling and wanting to be a better storyteller myself, there is a lot to learn from the idea of storytelling being like taking or painting a picture.  The writing of the story requires adding all of those details, the emotions, the movements, and the colors that make you feel like you know those characters or you have been in that place.  

I'd love to be as good of a storyteller as Norman Rockwell.

el mundial

Hoy en la tardé fuí a ver el partido entre EEUU e Inglatera en unas pantallas grandes con un grupo sorprendentemente grande de personas fantaticas del futbol.  La verdad es que no entiendo a las personas que son muy groseras y abusivas por un juego.  Yo me puedo emocionar con un gol o un gol aproximado pero, no me parece tan importante como para gritarle groserías a cada persona.  Creo que tendré que ver el resto de los juegos desde mi casa...

Estoy en mi casa ahora mismo esperando...  Llevo más de un par de horas sola aquí en la casa.  Me deja pensativa porque tengo cosas que debería estar haciendo ahora mismo pero, la verdad es que no tengo ganas de nada.  Es raro como puede hacerte sentir una casa silenciosa y solitaria.

I vote for...

Today, as I was taking the kids downstairs to dismissal we walked by a sign that the youth program had put up for a t-shirt design competition they were having and the sign said something like "Vote or Dye" (my second graders couldn't understand the pun) so, first they were kind of freaking out about that. 

Then, one of my students called out, "I vote for Miss Hannah" and another chimed in, "Me too, I vote for Miss Hannah" and I looked at them curiously and said, "Why would you vote for me?" and they replied with a shrug, "I don't know...it said vote or die."  And I thought I was going to get some great compliment.  Nevertheless, I kind of liked being "voted for" even if it was to spare them from death. 

rejection

Almost 5 hours waiting to get my car inspected. Fail.

brother in town

Andrew made it safely to DC tonight!

highlight

A highlight of this month was when I got to go see Josh Ritter in concert.  If you have ever seen him play live you know what a great experience it is.  You get this feeling when you see him play that you'd really like to be his friend.  You want him to be your new best friend.  He seems to LOVE what he does and he plays with so much energy and is so happy to be up front singing his well crafted song-stories to everyone. I love it.  After going to a Josh Ritter concert I always wish that I could have dinner with Ritter and his friends to get to enjoy some interesting conversation and more great music.

weekend

This weekend was LOVELY.  I was exhausted at the end of Friday but, I still went to an Engagement party, a Photography event, and a Cheesecake tasting all in one night!  It was the busiest Friday that I've had in a while. I went on a hike on Saturday.  It was the first hike I'd been on in a long time.  Then, Sunday was spent with some friends tasting some delicious food.  I ended it all going to Church, then coming home to mentally prepare for a couple days of lead teaching.  The truth is that life is beautiful...

Communité

The word "community" is derived from the Old French communité which is derived from the Latin communitas (cum, "with/together" + munus, "gift"), a broad term for fellowship or organized society.

Once again I am plagued with the fear that I have failed to live up to these things which I claim to believe.  Principally, that "community" is something deeply, deeply important. I know I believe this but, I am afraid that I feel at a loss as to what my place ought to be in community.

I'm thinking that I like the origin of the word because I think that community really is a gift.  A gift that ought not be taken without deep gratitude.  Nevertheless, I still wonder.  Am I living generously and gratefully towards and for my community?  Or am I holding back?

I wonder sometimes how deep the community bonds are.  I'm afraid of not being missed because somehow I didn't live grateful for what I was given.  It is so selfish to want to be missed so, perhaps that ought to be the lesson I learn.

However, I do wonder if I have given what I could and if I have invited people into welcoming hospitality as often as I should.  I'm afraid of failing to be a good friend.  I think that is one of my biggest fears.

the fun part is now

I just started reading this book called The Happiness Project and even though some people might find it kind of formulaic, I love it.  It fits my lists and checklists kind of personality.  Or maybe I think that some great advice seems SO old fashioned that we overlook it.  I love that kind of thing.  So, I might mention a few of the things I enjoyed from my reading in the next few blog posts. 

"If I can enjoy the present, I don't need to count on the happiness that is (or isn't) waiting for me in the future.  The fun part doesn't come later, now is the fun part."

That advice fits with one of my current major goals in life, which is to enjoy the moment that I'm in.  I have some big exciting changes coming up and I don't want to short-change the present because of my excitement for the future.   It is hard to remember sometimes that the "fun part is now" even though I'm sure I'll look back on these days with fondness.

happy (lunar) new year!

I forgot to say "happy year of the tiger" to everyone on Sunday.  I've been enjoying the "lunar new year" stamps these days as I've been loving the snow break to write cards to my friends. I think this is going to be the best year of the tiger ever.

That being said, we went back to school today after our snow storm break.  We were thinking of all the snow related compound words like "snowman", "snowball", "snowflake"... I also had to respond to the principle's question about individual's intent to return next year.  

To be honest, I teared up as I was writing it.  I am going to miss it there.  I have had a very good experience and feel like I've learned a lot.  The people have been so incredible and I'm so thankful for such a wonderful team of people.  I know I'm not leaving yet but, I want to make the most of it.

Not that I'm completely sad.  The truth is that I'm mostly happy because in addition to having to say goodbye to lots of wonderful things in my life, this year is also going to be filled with new and wonderful things (like getting married) and hopefully experiencing and learning in another school setting.

Snow! Snow! Snow!

So, if you didn't know about it already I have been in DC this past week with school canceled due to an overwhelming blizzard like snow storm.  I've actually enjoyed it, I feel like I'm living something historical!  I was also trying to recover from a pretty bad cold so, being forced to stay in was helpful.

The best part about being caught in the biggest snowstorm in the recent history of Washington, DC is that it has allowed (or forced) me to rest and reevaluate my life in a really good way.  I have had time to set goals for the next few months and think about what I'll need to do to meet those goals.  I've been working on pick up some important habits that I've let go of.  I think that integrating important habits that allow me to read more, write more, and be more active will give me an overall sense of health that is important.

Apprentice: learner, prentice, works for an expert to learn a trade

I have a lot of things rushing through my head right now. I’m tired. Being a teacher is hard. Being an apprentice is not as hard but, it’s still hard. I am being convinced, more and more, without a doubt teaching makes a difference. Teaching is probably one of the jobs that make the biggest difference in people’s lives. It may also be one of the most difficult jobs out there.

My education was so random and varied I don’t think I realized until the past couple of years that teaching is what I have been wanting to do all this time. I have wanted to be involved in helping develop stronger communities and giving people the opportunity and reasons to dream and create. All of that is hopelessly idealistic and I intend to stick to it. What it looks like in reality is much less lovely and much more incredible. The obstacles are bigger than you could imagine and the rewards are much more subtle --students learning that they like to eat vegetables, parents getting their students to the doctor, and other non-“standard based” accomplishments.

I have been working with such dedicated and excellent teachers. I admire them so much. I feel so honored and inspired working with them. Our students are actually reaching their “grade level” standards. I am exhausted but, I intend to learn all that I can so that I will also one day be as good of a teacher as the ones I’m working with right now. Their unwavering dedication to children and their learning is incredible, patience, so much patience, work, so much work, and commitment. It’s fantastic. It’s hard.

I left work feeling so disappointed. How are we supposed to teach children whose parents are caught up in their own emotional messes? If they are not nurturing their children and giving them safe homes with relationships that are secure? Some of our children are so distracted by their relational poverty that they have a very, very hard time learning. It’s difficult, but it’s still so important what we do, in spite of all the odds being against them and us, they are STILL learning. It’s hard but, it’s unbelievably rewarding.

Henri and I

Yesterday, I walked out of work and went down to the Potter’s House to get a book that I wanted to share with a friend. (It is always dangerous for me to walk into bookstores.) I got the book I was looking for… and two others.

One of them was “Clowning in Rome” by Henri Nouwen. I had heard about years ago but I had never read and it seemed so fitting to my current state of internal restlessness that I bought it. I went out from the bookstore down to Tryst (a very hip spot in Adam’s Morgan, DC) and spent several hours reading and writing. I started reading “Clowning in Rome” and felt like Nouwen (as usual) knew me and was speaking directly to my current circumstances. This has happened before.

I remember when I worked all summer in the mountains of Colorado and was feeling broken and lonely. I went down to Denver one weekend and walked into a bookstore where I saw the book “The Wounded Healer” and bought it without knowing what it was about. It was exactly what I needed to hear at that moment. Needless to say, I don’t know if everyone gets Nouwen the way I do, but I love how I feel understood by him.

Today is a full moon, I'm not sure how that has contributed to my mood today but --all in all-- I've had a good day. Today the School Review Board came to "review" our school. That is how the school continues to have recognition as a school, getting funding and all that type of stuff. We had someone in our classroom observing in the morning and then I was invited with a group of 10 other teachers to participate in an "interview" with the people who were reviewing our school. I felt flattered to have been chosen. I'm not sure why they picked me but, it was a good experience.

I also taught my second writing lesson today. I was nervous because it was with the more difficult class to manage. I enjoyed teaching the lesson and I hope that the students got it and were into the writing. I'm excited about them seeing writing as something that they can and want to do. I think that it's so much fun to write. I stayed late at school today. I was thinking about how school is such a refuge for me. I like how it keeps me completely busy and occupied.

I left and got a phone call from a good friend in Vancouver and I was so happy to talk with her, it has been a long time. There are a lot of people that I haven't talked to in a long time. I think that it gets harder to stay in touch with people as time goes on, in part because there are more people to keep in touch with and in some ways, it's harder for me because I'm doing better at being completely present to the people around me. Which is good even if it makes it harder to stay in touch with people.

Not long after I got off work a good friend from Idaho arrived in DC and I went to meet him and took him to my friends place where he was going to crash on their couch for the rest of the week. It was so good to see him. He's another friend that I hadn't seen in 2 years! It's amazing how quickly time flies. I'm excited to go back to Idaho at Thanksgiving but, there will still be a lot of people that I'm not going to get to see when I go back. It's kind of sad in some ways that such wonderful people cannot continue to be active and present in your life after you're gone.

I'm just trying to write, this was totally stream of consciousness, I'm not trying to do anything special, just getting into the writing habit again. I like it. That's it for tonight.

"I was just imagining that I was the abominable snowman.."

So, after I taught my lesson on "realistic fiction" --I think I failed to communicate the "realistic" part well-- one of my students had a little incident where he got caught trying to bite another student's arm. (That sounds worse than it was.) The moment he got caught and was sent to the teacher's table to do his work he burst into tears. He was quite upset that he had gotten in trouble.

I had to walk him downstairs to dismissal and asked him what had happened. In his raspy little boy voice he said, "I-I-I didn't mean to bite her. I-I was just, I was... I was just imagining... I was just imagining that I was the abominable snowman." I looked at him trying to remain serious without busting out in laughter, "So, that was why you were going to bite her arm?" "I was just imagining I was the abominable snowman!!" he continued to tell me as if that made all the best sense in the world. I had to tell him very seriously how we are not allowed to bite people, even if we're imagining that we are the abominable snowman.

Oh my, it was funny. His "realistic" fiction story is going to be fantastic (literally).

National Book Festival

I'm ready to be back to sharing my thoughts. I guess I've realized that I have a hard time adjusting to new things. Change sometimes is hard for me and in the past couple of years I've become better about not venting my emotions but letting them out in small careful doses. Yesterday, I got to do something that made me so excited that I decided it would be the first thing I would write about after my short absence here.

At school on Friday one of my co-workers asked me if I was going to the National Book Festival and I said that I didn't know it was happening but, I was going to look it up! I didn't remember until late on Friday night when looked it up and I realized that Marilynne Robinson,the author of the book Gilead, was going to be there! I was so excited.

So, yesterday my friend Will and I walked down to the National Mall (in the rain) and stood in line to get her to sign our book. Julia Alvarez, the author of another book I'd read recently was signing just next to her but, I could only stand in one line at a time. Then we sat under a huge tent to hear Marilynne read part of her book Home. I thought it was great fun. If you haven't read Gilead book you should.

It was so fun to be in a place full of people who like to read, I felt quite at home!

morning ramblings

I was thinking yesterday about how hard it is for me to keep things I'm excited about to myself. If I don't want to talk about it I have to avoid people, otherwise, if they ask me "how I'm doing" I'm going to end up telling them. Gah! Woe to being transparent.

The other day, I was feeling very confused and worried so, instead of going to be with people I walked around the city for hours and went to the bookstore. It was exactly what I needed to do.

I'm still reading Till We Have Faces and it is fantastic. Summer has finally arrived (in a way) to DC and it has been very hot. Even so, the evenings cool down wonderfully... and the mornings are glorious.

The tensions continue in Honduras and the international community has been pressuring for the return of Zelaya. It's all kind of scary.

so much on my mind

They say that if you have a lot on your mind to write you should just start writing it and then your ideas will come together. I hope that happens. Last night I was talking to one of my aunts and I realized that she reads my blog! I didn't know. I wonder how many other people read my blog and I have no idea that they read it!

There is a lot on my mind, like the unrest in Honduras and the beautiful weather in DC this summer. I've been reading Till We Have Faces and more than anything experiencing the odd sensation of being "in between". I will be going on a two week trip through Central America in less than two weeks. I know that as soon as I get back my life is going to be a whirlwind of activity no matter what ends up happening to me next. I am literally experiencing the calm before the storm.

I realized this week how much I am like a bird. I can make myself at home, sing, and delight in a place but, without too much difficulty, my heart can turn and open itself up to a new adventure and a new place. I have come a long way, I promise, I believe very, very much in investing in people and in staying places. I think "staying" is a big part of changing places. But, I also believe that I am not going to fix or ruin a place and if I have opportunities to live and be alive in other places, I don't have to pass them up.

This week I've spent more time alone than I have since the first two weeks of January. I like having time alone. It makes my time with people that much more wonderful. Other things I've been thinking about a lot recently are the words of Jesus "Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? " and Solomon "For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven". Sea lo que sea, por algo será.