Writing and friendship

I've had lots of ideas in the past week of things that I wanted to write on my blog.  Ariel and I have been doing a lot of writing recently and it feels great!!  Slowly (or quickly, depending on how you look at it) we're doing things we've been looking forward to doing for a long time.  We became writers for Global Voices and the official blog for the Literary Workshops that we're a part of in one week!!  That was pretty exciting.

This week I got to spend some time with Janice and that was really great as well.  It's been a while since we'd spent any time together and it was good because I was reminded that I have a girl-friend here in Panama that knows me well, that's always an important thing to have and really, in spite of the distance and time, we haven't really grown apart, I think that we've grown closer in our way of seeing the world, which makes it all that much better!

The other day I discovered a really interesting theology blog and he was talking about John 15.12-15:

My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends. You are my friends if you do what I command. I no longer call you servants, because a servant does not know his master’s business. Instead, I have called you friends, for everything that I learned from my Father I have made known to you.

In his article he was reflecting on the fact that Jesus talked more about being friends than being family.  Which might be an important thing to keep in mind since, often we treat our friends better than we treat our family.  We choose our friends and even if we feel super comfortable with them, we don't take them for granted the way that we do with our families sometimes.  I thought it was a very interesting thought and it made me feel very happy that Ariel and I are friends first and then we get to be family after that!

broken dreams...um, computers

This morning I woke up from a really bad dream, rolled over and must have gotten out of the wrong side of the bed because I started to think about how my computer (that started beeping S.O.S. the week after I got married) is officially ruined.  The motherboard apparently is shot.  It wasn't exactlly the best timing, the first week of school, newly married -now, I've lost my music, my photos, and my skype camera.

We took it into the Mac repair shop and they told us that if it was the memory that was wrong it would be easy and inexpensive to fix, but if it was the motherboard it would probably have to be replaced.  That was when they asked about the warranty.  The original warranty was expired and my most generous brother had given an extended warranty but, that was when we realized that I had NOT activated it correctly at the time.  Needless to say, I feel very, very foolish.  There is no way I will be able to purchase a new computer and it is too expensive to fix.  If I had activated the warranty, I would have a new computer now, not a broken one.

Alas, then I started thinking about not having Skype and realized that I haven't spoken on Skype with anyone since I came to Panama. I have a new baby nephew (hurray!) but, I don't know when I'll get to see him since I'm so far away and unreachable by Skype at the moment.  Anyway, I'm done lamenting.  I think I might feel better now.  I hope everyone has a nice day.

Here we are...

...in love.

One month...

As of last Tuesday, I've been married for a month.  It has been a busy, exhausting month but, when I think about all of the things thay we've done this month I think that getting married and living in Panama are two wonderful choices I've made in life.

Let me see, in the month of August I started teaching Spanish to 4th, 5th, 7th and 9th graders at an international school here in Panama city (less than two weeks after getting married).  I've partially moved twice this month and this week will move (hopefully for the last time) into a more permanent house.  It should be a great place to live.  I've also purchased a car and started driving in Panama city.

If you've never been to Panama you will not be able to grasp the significance of some of those acomplishments.  Driving in Panama city is one of the scariest things I've ever tried to do, I have to admit that I feel quite proud of myself for even being willing to try.  It also opens up the possibility to do a lot of things that are just impractical without a car.  We even discovered a fantastic coffee shop relatively close to my work, a great place to meet up, chat and read a book.

I've started teaching and that is a responsibility that I love.  I am thrilled to be a teacher.  This week something very exciting happened.  The International Book Fair of Panama.  Ariel and I were in heaven there.  The greatest thing that we discovered was a new literary non-ficcion journal that is starting up.  It is called El Guayacan.  I'm super excited to see something like that happening here in Panama.  I want to figure out how to be a part of something like that.

I am excited about what is happening in Panama culturally and I'm excited to maybe get to be a part of it!

Married!

I have been married for one week, today.  It is wonderful to get to be in the same space as Ariel, to get to make our meals together, to talk, to read, and just be in the same physical space.  It is something both of us have longed for and it is so good to finally be together. 

All of the preparations before the wedding were a bit exhausting (to say the least) but, the wedding was just as I imagined it.  I had told Ariel that I imagined a wedding that started three days before,with friends meeting each other for the first time, just being together... it was amazing to have so many people from so many different parts of my life all together in the same place. 

The wedding day was also what I wanted.  As far as I know, nothing major went wrong.  There were things that we had talked about doing that we didn't do but, the most important things were in place and the ceremony was simple and meaningful, just as we hoped it would be.  It was so good to be able to stand there, looking at Ariel, smiling, and then be able to glance over and see so many people who've walked part of the journey with me at some point in my life.  It was beautiful.

We had great food and a good time just hanging out with everyone who came during the reception.  It felt just like it ought to, celebrating our love, and sharing it with the people who've loved and supported us along the way.  It was perfect. 

the fourth

I'm so happy that I got to spend the 4th of July in DC this year.  It was my first time to spend it here in Washington.  It makes for a fitting last weekend.  That culminating in fireworks kind of last weekend.  I think that I feel just the way I should right now, deeply thankful for the opportunities, experiences, and friendships that I've made here and utterly thrilled at moving back to Panama.

I've shed a couple tears at some goodbyes.  I wish with all my heart that it was easier to just come and go, to be able to see loved ones with all the ease of calling up and saying "Hey! Let's get together!"  Nevertheless, I am confident that this place and these people will be in my life long after I have left and possibly moved multiple times.  It has been meaningful and worthy of a grand fireworks display.

friends far away

I got to talk to lovely Liana tonight!  I'm so happy.

weekend

This weekend was LOVELY.  I was exhausted at the end of Friday but, I still went to an Engagement party, a Photography event, and a Cheesecake tasting all in one night!  It was the busiest Friday that I've had in a while. I went on a hike on Saturday.  It was the first hike I'd been on in a long time.  Then, Sunday was spent with some friends tasting some delicious food.  I ended it all going to Church, then coming home to mentally prepare for a couple days of lead teaching.  The truth is that life is beautiful...

Communité

The word "community" is derived from the Old French communité which is derived from the Latin communitas (cum, "with/together" + munus, "gift"), a broad term for fellowship or organized society.

Once again I am plagued with the fear that I have failed to live up to these things which I claim to believe.  Principally, that "community" is something deeply, deeply important. I know I believe this but, I am afraid that I feel at a loss as to what my place ought to be in community.

I'm thinking that I like the origin of the word because I think that community really is a gift.  A gift that ought not be taken without deep gratitude.  Nevertheless, I still wonder.  Am I living generously and gratefully towards and for my community?  Or am I holding back?

I wonder sometimes how deep the community bonds are.  I'm afraid of not being missed because somehow I didn't live grateful for what I was given.  It is so selfish to want to be missed so, perhaps that ought to be the lesson I learn.

However, I do wonder if I have given what I could and if I have invited people into welcoming hospitality as often as I should.  I'm afraid of failing to be a good friend.  I think that is one of my biggest fears.

the fun part is now

I just started reading this book called The Happiness Project and even though some people might find it kind of formulaic, I love it.  It fits my lists and checklists kind of personality.  Or maybe I think that some great advice seems SO old fashioned that we overlook it.  I love that kind of thing.  So, I might mention a few of the things I enjoyed from my reading in the next few blog posts. 

"If I can enjoy the present, I don't need to count on the happiness that is (or isn't) waiting for me in the future.  The fun part doesn't come later, now is the fun part."

That advice fits with one of my current major goals in life, which is to enjoy the moment that I'm in.  I have some big exciting changes coming up and I don't want to short-change the present because of my excitement for the future.   It is hard to remember sometimes that the "fun part is now" even though I'm sure I'll look back on these days with fondness.

some bonhoeffer

Thank you Megan, this is perfect.

"Nothing can make up for the absence of someone who we love, and it would be wrong to find a substitute; we must simply hold out and see it through. That sounds very hard at first, but at the same time it is a great consolation, for the gap, as long it remains unfilled, preserves the bonds between us. It is nonsense to say that God fills the gap; God does not fill it, but on the contrary, God keeps it empty and so helps us keep alive our former communion with each other, even at the cost of pain ... The dearer and richer our memories, the more difficult the separation. But beauties of the past are borne, not as a thorn in the flesh, but as a previous gift in themselves. We must take care not to wallow in our memories or to hand ourselves over to them, just as we don’t gaze all the time at a valuable present, but only at special times, and apart from the keep it simply as a hidden treasure that is ours for certain. In this way the past gives us lasting joy and strength."

Dietrich Bonheoffer

happy (lunar) new year!

I forgot to say "happy year of the tiger" to everyone on Sunday.  I've been enjoying the "lunar new year" stamps these days as I've been loving the snow break to write cards to my friends. I think this is going to be the best year of the tiger ever.

That being said, we went back to school today after our snow storm break.  We were thinking of all the snow related compound words like "snowman", "snowball", "snowflake"... I also had to respond to the principle's question about individual's intent to return next year.  

To be honest, I teared up as I was writing it.  I am going to miss it there.  I have had a very good experience and feel like I've learned a lot.  The people have been so incredible and I'm so thankful for such a wonderful team of people.  I know I'm not leaving yet but, I want to make the most of it.

Not that I'm completely sad.  The truth is that I'm mostly happy because in addition to having to say goodbye to lots of wonderful things in my life, this year is also going to be filled with new and wonderful things (like getting married) and hopefully experiencing and learning in another school setting.

what type are you?

I just took this witty test called "What type are you?"  It turns out that my type is Archer Hairline "a modern typeface with a straightforward appearance with tiny outbreaks of elegance and tiny dots of emotion".  Maybe there's something to it!  

This week I've been thinking about "outbreaks of emotion" and have found myself faced with my humanity and my inability to communicate well the complexity of my feelings.  I can be irritable and inconsiderate in ways that make me feel ashamed and yet, I admit that these are certainly areas where I've seen improvement which is at least a little bit comforting.

hello

Hello. I'm alive. I'm thinking. I will come by soon to hang out.

Solace in Friendship

I just finished reading this memoir, Truth & Beauty by Ann Patchett. On the back of the book it reads: "Truth & Beauty is Patchett's tribute to Lucy Grealy, at once a grief-haunted eulogy and a larger meditation on the solace and limitations of friendship." The questions in the book about love and friendship are so very intense.

I've been thinking about it quite a bit, especially because I have several students who are in the second grade and I can see them as they struggle feeling like they are not loved. Even though there are broken relationships in their homes the girls still have the idea that getting married will solve all their problems and that only in that way they will live happily ever after.

It's fascinating to think of "the solace and limitations of friendship". When I look at my own life I am profoundly grateful for the friendships in my life, particularly the girls who have been my friends, and I think that I have so much solace in those relationships. Many of those friendships have been rich and delightful. On the other hand, the theme of many friendships has often included questions like "will I ever be loved?" or "will I ever get married?".

I've often thought about how strange the question of being loved is in the context of a friendship. The question of "will I ever be loved?" doesn't mean the same thing as "am I loved by anyone?". That strange craving to have ONE person love you beyond and above everyone else is a different desire than having a friend love you. I've been lucky to have friendships that are deep, comforting, transparent, and unbounded. Having friends can be so satisfying but, for some reason, friendships don't seem to satisfy in THAT way. It's kind of hard to realize that as a friend you are only partially satisfying. It's strange.

Real friendships are gifts and I'm still thinking about the limitations of friendships in light of how lovely they are, I'm still thinking about it.

I have a problem. Recently, I get a sense of anxiety when I'm at Church. I don't enjoy it so, I don't feel like going to Church anymore. I don't know why exactly, but I've been thinking about it and I wonder if it has something to do with my craving for quality one-on-one time with people and conversations about transcendent types of things. Recently, the conversations after Church usually end up being a rapid pace of fast "how was your week?" superficial conversations which I get tired of really fast.

The other problem is that recently, Church is one of the only spaces where I pull out my notebook and get to be alone with my thoughts yet surrounded by a lot of people. I love that! But, I feel guilty when I realize that my mind is wandering and I'm not paying attention. I just wish that I had a friend or two who enjoyed being alone "together". You know? Pulling out a journal or book with a friend, maybe surrounded by people, maybe in a quieter space... and let thoughts grow and become something. Maybe after a couple of hours or a couple of days a conversation will be born and it will be meaningful. I miss that.

I want to live where the sun comes out...

I love that I have that little "blog without obligation" reminder on my blog. This really is an outlet for me. I realize that I don't feel like blogging that much when stuff is going interestingly or well in my life. I feel more like blogging when I feel kind of lonely.

I guess that's sort of pathetic but, I think it makes sense. When I have good friends around to be with and talk to, I don't need this other useful form of processing my thoughts or emotions. Even if I don't just bare my soul on here, sometimes the vagueness of it is helpful, even this is helpful. Even if no-one reads this, it is helpful. Maybe I'll hang around here more for a while.

I wanna live life and never be cruel.
I wanna live life and be good to you.

And I wanna fly and never come down.
And live my life and have friends around.

We never change, do we?
We never learn, do we?

So, I wanna live in a wooden house.

I wanna live life and always be true.
I wanna live life and be good to you.

And I wanna fly and never come down.
And live my life and have friends around.

We never change, do we?
We never learn, do we?

So I wanna live in a wooden house,
where making more friends would be easy.

Oh, and I don't have a soul to save.
Yes, and I sin every single day.

We never change, do we?
We never learn, do we?

So I wanna live in a wooden house,
Where making more friends would be easy.
I wanna live where the sun comes out ...

-Coldplay

National Book Festival

I'm ready to be back to sharing my thoughts. I guess I've realized that I have a hard time adjusting to new things. Change sometimes is hard for me and in the past couple of years I've become better about not venting my emotions but letting them out in small careful doses. Yesterday, I got to do something that made me so excited that I decided it would be the first thing I would write about after my short absence here.

At school on Friday one of my co-workers asked me if I was going to the National Book Festival and I said that I didn't know it was happening but, I was going to look it up! I didn't remember until late on Friday night when looked it up and I realized that Marilynne Robinson,the author of the book Gilead, was going to be there! I was so excited.

So, yesterday my friend Will and I walked down to the National Mall (in the rain) and stood in line to get her to sign our book. Julia Alvarez, the author of another book I'd read recently was signing just next to her but, I could only stand in one line at a time. Then we sat under a huge tent to hear Marilynne read part of her book Home. I thought it was great fun. If you haven't read Gilead book you should.

It was so fun to be in a place full of people who like to read, I felt quite at home!

I'm happy...

what is good

I just wanted to say that what is good about living with others is that sometimes it is not as easy as living alone. It can be so much more convenient to live alone. Seriously. At the same time, what is good about living with others is that it is better than living alone. Living with others gives you many more reasons to celebrate, especially when you are able to work through the not easy parts, the result is something worth celebrating.