What I mean is that I am usually either dead or alive. I feel like I die and am resurrected on a regular basis. I live life with a shadow hanging over me or at least it is near me most of the time. Most of the time, I ignore it and live enjoying all the absolutely wonderful things about life.
Sometimes, however, the shadow is able to swallow me and I die. Really. I die. I am not alive during that time. I am dead, intensely dead. Then, something miraculous happens and I am resurrected. It is like the sign of the greater resurrection, it will happen one day and last forever. I look forward to that shadow being cast away forever.
I was just thinking about this because this week I feel alive, intensely alive and it's good. Sometimes I let myself dread the shadow but, mostly I love that I get to live.