Tuesday, March 31, 2009

being homesick

Last night I was having a difficult time falling asleep. I was tired but, I didn't want to go to bed. I sat there trying to figure out what was bothering me. I started thinking about all the complicated things that could be keeping me awake. I even tried to let those things be the things that were keeping me awake but, my mind couldn't even stay focused on the things that could be worrying me.

I started reading a book which is usually my favorite refuge when I cannot sleep but, then I realized what was keeping me awake. I started thinking about all the conversations that I've had in the past three weeks where people have told me, "I'm going home." or "I miss home, I think I should go home soon," or "I'm going to go visit my best friend in [x country or state]." and I felt stuck.

It is not that I don't want to live in one place. It's not even that I'm not happy to be here right now but, it's the sensation that I cannot [or should not] leave [even for a visit] if I wanted to that I don't like. I hate that feeling. Especially when I'm surrounded by lucky people who don't feel stuck in the same way. I would love to take that ticket to Panama or California. I miss my Grandma and my best friend in London. I wish I could go to Japan and visit some people I know in Africa [etc.].

I think that coveting other people's ability to travel is so awful but I guess it's probably my most frequent sin. It makes me feel sad and loose sight of the overwhelming contentment that I am experiencing right now, here, not elsewhere. It also keeps me up at night when I let myself think about what I "really want".

1 comment:

luke said...

That I agree with is one real challenge in "settling down." The utter freedom to simply up and leave, not needing to concern yourself with jobs, or money in the long run but simply be where you are and take the trips when you can is a freedom that makes us unsettled, but being settled is usually done at the cost of loosing a high degree of freedom.

Take heart though, long term is good. Hard in a very different way than being a temporary observer, or a traveling expert, but good.

live the questions now... R.M. Rilke