This feeting moment

Do you ever long to have someone to talk to?  Not complain, not vent, just talk?  When I got home from work this evening, I sat down on the steps next to my bookshelf with Jolie sitting next to me and noticed the books on the shelf.  Some Camus, Bonhoeffer, and several other philosophically inclined writers and theologians.  I miss having people around me that motivate me to read and discuss these types of things.  I miss conversations that take me outside of the mundane and direct my thoughts towards things that are more transcendental, maybe even eternal.

Here is the thing, I want to be happy and thankful.  I know I am blessed in so many ways, and I never want to loose sight of that truth.  My life, in general, feels pretty consistent with my core beliefs.  There are still many goals and dreams to be achieved, but there are many things that seem right.  I want to live a life in which generosity and solidarity with those who need most is a possibility--and in some small ways that is a reality in my life. That is an amazing gift.

Nevertheless, right now, I feel surrounded by negativity and short sightedness.  Short term challenges become overwhelming obstacles, and possible long-term solutions get blocked by a negativity that is permeating my environment.  I am afraid that I am falling into the trap, I am also complaining, I am also part of the problem.  It feels like the problems are bigger than me, and I'm afraid of what will happen if they don't get addressed or fixed, however I am also afraid of speaking to those who are supposed to support me in these challenges because I have lost faith in my leaders somehow.

I want to regain perspective, think about those things that transcend this fleeting moment and complete my work, my duty, with a cheerful heart.  Trust in those people who I have trusted in the past, and do my best in all things at all times, without loosing hope and without giving up on dreams and goals that sustain me through the mundane moments.  Do you ever just want to talk about things that have meaning? Well, I'm just going to share this, and try to leave it here.  The conversations may come, perspective might be right around the corner. 

Life and good

"See, I have set before you today life and good, death and evil.
If you obey the commandments of the Lord your God that I command you today,
by loving the Lord your God, by walking in his ways,
and by keeping his commandments and his statutes and his rules,
then you shall live and multiply, and the Lord your God will bless you
in the land that you are entering to take possession of it.
...
Therefore choose life, that you and your offspring may live,
loving the Lord your God, obeying his voice and holding fast to him
for his his your life and length of days,
that you may dwell in the land that the Lord swore to your fathers..."

Deuteronomy 30:15-20

Dog Days

Penitence

Most holy and merciful Father:
We confess to you and to one another,
...
that we have sinned by our own fault
in thought, word, and deed;
by what we have done, and by what we have left undone.

We have not loved you with our whole heart, and mind, and strength.
We have not loved our neighbors as ourselves.
We have not forgiven others, as we have been forgiven.

We confess to you, Lord,
...
Our self-indulgent appetites and ways,
and our exploitation of other people,
Our anger at our own frustration,
and our envy of those more fortunate than ourselves,

Our intemperate love of worldly goods and comforts,
and our dishonesty in daily life and work,
Our negligence in prayer and worship,
and our failure to commend the faith that is in us
...
The Book of Common Prayer

Ash Wednesday

Is not this the fast that I choose;
to loose the bonds of wickedness,
to undo the straps of the yoke,
to let the oppressed go free,
and to break every yoke?

Is it not to share your bread with the hungry
and bring the homeless poor into your house;
when you see the naked, to cover him,
and not to hid yourself from your own flesh?

Then shall your light break forth like the dawn,
and your healing shall spring up speedily;
your righteousness shall go before you;
the glory of the Lord shall be your rear guard.

Then you shall call, and the Lord will answer,
you shall cry, and he will say, "Here I am".
 If you take away the yoke from your midst,
the pointing of the finger, and speaking wickedness,

if you pour yourself out for the hungry
and satisfy the desire of the afflicted,
then shall your light rise in the darkness
and your gloom be as the noonday.

And the Lord will guide you continually
and satisfy your desire in scorched places
and make your bones strong;
and you shall be like a watered garden,
like a spring of water,
whose waters do not fail.

And your ancient ruins shall be rebuilt;
you shall raise up the foundations of many generations;
you shall be called the repairer of the breach,
the restorer of streets to dwell in.

Isaiah 58:6-12

We implore you on behalf of Christ, be reconciled to God.
For our sake he made him to be sin who knew no sin,
so that in him we might become the righteousness of God.

Working together with him, then, we appeal to you not to receive the grace of God in vain.
 For he says,

"In a favorable time I listened to you, and in a day of salvation I have helped you"

Behold, now is the favorable time; behold, now is the day of salvation.

2 Corinthians 5:20a-6:2

to learn the secret

I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want.  Philipians 4:12

There is so much to learn.  I am learning how to be content.  This may be the lesson I continue to learn for the rest of my life.  I cannot yet make the claim "I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation".  I would like to say that I have discovered this secret, however I cannot.

In most situations I tend to have that one thing that I wish was different.  For example, I might have the weather I love and a job I enjoy but, I long for the community I have left behind that stimulated me spiritually and intellectually.  In one place I have enjoyed art and music, but longed for a more internationally minded community.  In another, I have had the stimulating community, but missed the beauty of nature in the place I just left or find it difficult to provide for my basic needs of food, clothing, and shelter.  I get a job and then wish for art and music.  I get culture and long for friendship and community.  Oh to learn the secret!

There might be a discontent that comes with being a 'stranger' on the earth.  All of these things, community, beauty, shelter, provision, etc. might be seen and welcomed from a distance like the men and women of faith in the Bible.  Sometimes I feel like I see the possibility of discovering the secret of contentment and saying "I want to stay here, in this place for a long time" and then I find myself anxious, restless and longing for something different.  I hope that someday, I will find myself in a place that I would not like to leave for a long time... to seek a bit more passionately the secret of being content.

What is worth all this work?

"Most men, even in this comparatively free country , through mere ignorance and mistake, are so occupied with the factitious cares and superfluously coarse labors of life that its finer fruits cannot be plucked by them."

 -Walden by Henry David Thoreau

Sometimes I find myself wondering what it is that I am truly most passionate about.  Passion is a strong word and an elusive subject.  I have watched more than a few videos and read more than a few books that talk about finding that thing which one is passionate about and then and only then all other things ought to fall into place.  We will work without feeling the toil and make ends meet without struggling to maintain interest in our occupations.  Oh, to find that passion which would make all work seem like fun and fun a productive use of our time!

It might be a naive hope, but part of me want to believe in this Utopian reality where my most passionate interest could provide both for all of the material needs of my family and be my employment, in the most practical sense.  I guess in simplest terms, to love what you do, to truly find deep pleasure and satisfaction in your work --to be filled with energy and not have your spirit be exhausted by your work.  I know that some people have found this job that fulfills them and are blessed with the ability to love what they do, but is it not more rare than it ought to be?

I think I struggle with this question because it goes beyond answering the questions of "How will I take care of my needs and those of my family?" or "What job can I find that will fill me with joy and satisfaction?" and it is rooted in a deeper set of questions such as, "Why am I here on this planet?" "What is the meaning of life?" and "Am I truly in control of my destiny?" among many other confusing questions which are dealt with mostly in a spiritual context and even if you pause to consider them you cannot linger too long without having to go back to work and get caught up in the potential meaningless of your daily drudgery.

I may have started out by asking entirely the wrong question.  Maybe I shouldn't be asking, "What am I passionate about?" but "What is worth being passionate about?"  Maybe passion is something that is discovered and we are not necessarily wired to have one predetermined passion.  Perhaps, if we find what is worth being passionate about, we may just as well find out that what we have been laboring endlessly for is not entirely worth all the struggle.  Discovering what is worth being passionate about may lead us to a simpler existence which is less exhausting and more delightful.  We may have to spend some of our time and energy concerned with simple survival -how will we eat and where will we live, but if we are not too absorbed in those things as the "end" then, perhaps, we will find the work to be less of our concern and find more time to enjoy what is truly worth being passionate about.

I guess this year I would like to enjoy "life's finer fruits" to quote Thoreau, spending less time on the "superfluously coarse labors" and attempting to nurture those things that are worth being passionate about.  Perhaps, I will have to spend some of my time inquiring and searching for what those things may be, but in any case, it seems like it would be a worth while journey to embark upon in this new year.

Wishes

There are a number of things I wish for on a regular basis.  One of those is being content.  It's hard sometimes.

1. Smile.
2. Be greatful.
3. Exercise.
4. Eat healthy.
5. Rest.

I wish that it was easier.

soccer

Today, I played a game of soccer for the first time in a LONG time.  It was really fun!  I guess training for a run has helped me feel more excited to play.

Awake my soul

How fickle my heart and how woozy my eyes
I struggle to find any truth in your lies
And now my heart stumbles on things I don't know
My weakness I feel I must finally show

Lend me your hand and we'll conquer them all
But lend me your heart and I'll just let you fall
Lend me your eyes I can change what you see
But your soul you must keep, totally free
Har har, har har
har har, har har

awake my soul...
awake my soul...

In these bodies we will live,
in these bodies we will die
Where you invest your love,
you invest your life

awake my soul...
awake my soul...
awake my soul...
For you were made to meet your maker

-Mumford & Sons

Uncertainty is my most loyal friend

I’m trying to figure out how to reconcile the desire to write with teaching, social activism, and family life. I’m unsure if I should pursue writing, teaching, international development, or some other type of work. I’m also not sure if I should go back to grad school.  I’m not sure if we should start having children.

Can I combine all of these things into something I love?  The only thing that is clear for me is that nothing is clear.