dejame vivir...

I am almost too tired to try to put words together into coherent sentences. I had one of those days when you are doing too much and then you get home and realized that you're going to have to re-do part of what you thought you had finished the day before! It's the worst feeling. I've been thinking about violence, peace, and the military recently but, today I cannot fit my ideas together in a way that would be interesting. So, I'll share something pretty before I go to bed...

Huck it Huge

I have a lot of amazing friends from university and just recently I found out that one of them (Mikey) is going through chemotherapy. I love Mikey and Bonnie. You probably will never meet a more fun couple. When you get to know Bonnie it will not take long for you to hear her say, "Huck it huge!" 'Huck it huge!' is Bonnie's way of saying... 'go for it with your whole heart and don't hold anything back!'

Both Mikey and Bonnie know how to live and enjoy life like very few people do. They realized that Mikey had cancer not long after they got married, talk about getting thrown for a loop! They just made this YouTube video and posted it on their blog. They are doing a super cool job of reminding everyone to 'Huck it huge!' all the time...

You're the first person of 'your color' to talk to me...

The issue of race in D.C. is so confusing. I was recently told by two different people one Hispanic and one African-American that I was the first person 'of my color' that had ever talked to them. Why is that?

At first I thought that maybe it is that white people don't really even talk to each other if they don't know each other but... that isn't true because the next thing that happened to me was that a white person I didn't know started talking to me.

Then I wonder if it is me... people talk to me all the time. There must be something I do that invites people to talk to me (no matter what race they are). How do you become friends with people who look different from you in this city?

Unfortunately, I'm leaving and will not have the privilege of exploring that question more.

Salvador

This weekend I read a book called Salvador written during the time of the civil war in El Salvador. The world was an unsettled place during my childhood. I think about the US and how often people here have been sheltered from the events happening around the world. I remember talking to someone who was a youth during the apartheid in South Africa who said that they did not remember hearing about it. I was a youth during the civil war in El Salvador and as we lived in the realities of the re-building of Panama after its most tumultuous chapter, the violence in El Salvador was overlooked in spite of how atrocious it was and the large scale in which the violence was perpetrated. It was the 4th war... not as important as the conflicts in Lebanon, Iraq, and Iran.

In the grand scale, what does it mean to know something happened somewhere and to know what happened? It only makes you wonder, what is the 4th war right now? Which conflict is scarring the consciousness of a whole country and generations of people? So much that all that people know is violence. Violence is the stable factor for many people. Gender based violence is another type of atrocious thing that is feared with good reason. The truth is that I fear it on a certain level. Even here, I am at times overly aware of my surroundings and almost paranoid with the fear of what 'could happen'. I am so grateful for places where you feel 'safe' (at least relatively safe) especially when I remember those places where you never, ever feel like you can let down your guard and just enjoy your surroundings.

I have also begun to say goodbye. Real goodbyes. The, 'I don't know when I'll see you again' kind of goodbyes. They are cushioned (as they always are) with, 'I'll be back!' and yet I know that I don't really know what that means, or when that will happen. I think I know, but I don't really know.

the weather and the war

Costa del Sol, El Salvador

The weather has been absolutely perfect in DC this summer. The average temperature has been in the low 80’s with very little humidity. I’ve loved it. It has been the perfect weather for walking around (and I’ve done a lot of walking this summer!).

Now I’m going to skip the fall weather and head back to the tropical climate of El Salvador catching the end of the rainy season. It should be pretty wet and very green. By November it should be a bit dryer but it will still be quite hot! Nothing new for me, I think I’m going to enjoy the warmth. I thrive on sunshine.

During my long walks in DC, I’ve noticed how many Salvadoran restaurants there are here. It is impressive. You never see a Panamanian restaurant and you will see at least 7 ‘Pupuserias’ on just one stretch of road. It is interesting that one small country would have such a large representation here.

It is interesting and yet sadly, it quite simple to explain why. Starting in the early 80’s during the civil war over a million people have emigrated from El Salvador. It is incredible how many people have left the country (and it continues to be one of the most densely populated countries in the region). These people coming legally and illegally have made themselves at home in various different regions of the US, DC being one of them.

The civil war will be a re-occurring theme as I write about El Salvador. It is the backdrop of so many things that happen in the country . I hope that I will begin to have a better understanding of its history, complexity, and effects as I spend time there.

preparing to avoid making assumptions

So guess what! The president of Panama Martin Torrijos declared that tomorrow is a national holiday to celebrate the return of Irving Saladiño Panama's first gold medal winner ever! So fun.

I've been doing quite a bit of reading about the situation in El Salvador and the experience I'm about to immerse myself in. I know that I have had a lot of experience in the region, I am "from Central America" so this should be easy! Well, maybe it'll be easier on certain levels but, I think that one of the problems that I see in the Central American region is that there is a history of making assumptions that have lead to deep, deep misunderstandings and conflicts. So, one of my goals this summer is to avoid making assumptions in every possible way.

One of the best things that you can do for me during my time in El Salvador is to read my blog posts, tell you friends about them, and (this is my favorite part) leave comments! (If it is better for you, you can e-mail me with your comments and questions, I will do my best to respond promptly to e-mails while I'm gone). This type of interaction will remind me of why I'm down there and will help me do a better job while I'm there.

So, while I'm putting on fresh eyes and arriving to Central America hoping to see it in ways that I haven't seen it before, I'm going to introduce you to El Salvador. It is only about 8,260 square miles, smaller than the US state of Massachusetts with a population of approximately 5.8 million people. As you can probably guess, El Salvador is the smallest and most densely populated country in Central America, nestled between Guatemala and Honduras. It has coffee growing mountain regions, corn and bean growing central valleys and cane growing costal regions. I will be in San Salvador, the capital and the center of most industry for the country.

I have my new blog at The AP http://advocacynet.org/page/mckeeth (which doesn't have any new posts yet!) and will still be blogging at my personal blog if you would like to add them to your RSS feeds or bookmarks so that they will be easy to check regularly that would be great.

*Map from LonelyPlanet.org
*Stats from The World Factbook

Panama's First Gold Medal EVER!

Guess what! Panama won its first gold medal ever in the long jump for men at the Beijing Olympics! This is such fun! Irving Saladiño won with a 8.34m jump!

As you can imagine, people are going crazy at home. Panama has won two medals in the past but never a gold! Unfortunately, TVN in Panama broadcast his preliminary jump and Panama starts to celebrate...

This is his wining jump at the world championship...

Creativity for the Love of Others

"Work is the gracious expression of creative energy in the service of others." -Dorothy Sayers

Recently, I was listening to a speaker talking about “work”. I’ve been thinking about this quite a bit recently as I’ve been looking for some type of employment. One of the things that I’ve thought a lot about are three things that seem to be central to what it is that motivates me in life. These three things are creativity, celebration, and community.

In the midst of my sometimes turbulent feelings about finding work I’ve struggled to understand what to do with the feelings of uselessness that come with being unemployed. I think that there is something about the way society is structured in North America that makes unemployment feel that much more alienating. We live in isolation and limited finances make it very difficult to contribute our voluntary work and energy to the community when we are not earning an income at the same time.

I think of some of my friends in Central America who even though they don’t have paying jobs are able to invest their time in worthwhile activities that build up their communities and contribute to the greater good of society. (It is possible because they live and work in the same place and the cost of basic things like transportation are less.) They work hard and the good work well done is the reward not the money (that they don’t make) or the identity that could come along with earning money. It seems like because of the way that society is structured; it is easier to do worthwhile work without being as isolated by unemployment.

I really believe that I want a job, not to make money (even though that is necessary) or to have an identity but to get to use my creative energy to do good work for the good of others. When thinking about the motivations we have for work Paul’s words are interesting:

“Now concerning brotherly love you have no need for anyone to write to you, for you yourselves have been taught by God to love one another, for that indeed is what you are doing to all the brothers… But we urge you, brothers, to do this more and more, and to aspire to live quietly, and to mind your own affairs, and to work with your hands, as we instructed you, so that you may walk properly before outsiders and be dependent on no one." 1 Thessalonians 4:9-12

The important part of those words is not the part that says, “be dependent on no one” (which is the part I beat myself up for all the time) but, “you yourselves have been taught by God to love one another.” Therefore, work ought to flow out of loving one another.

So, flowing out of love for others, it is good to do work that fits who I am and benefits others. Seeking to do something creative that makes me feel alive and helps others really is a good guide for this job search. It is challenging when you feel like you’re interested in so many different things but, ultimately I believe it is good to be passionate about lots of things. I hope that I will find work that I will be passionate about doing and also brings more peace and justice in the world. I want to do something that I will feel the pleasure of working hard at because it is good and doing good for others. It is difficult when you are trying to live… to just live and also find what you live to do at the same time.

This is a wonderful quote by Dorthy Sayers who wrote an essay called “Why Work?”:

“[We should take] the attitude of mind we reserve for our unpaid work–our hobbies, our leisure interests, the things we make and do for pleasure–and [make] that the standard of all our judgments about things and people…
It is, or should be, the full expression of the worker’s faculties, the thing in which he finds spiritual, mental, and bodily satisfaction, and the medium in which he offers himself to God… We should ask of an enterprise, not “will it pay?” but “is it good?”; of a man, not “what does he make?’ but “what is his work worth?”; of goods, not “can we induce people to buy them?” but “are they useful things well made?”; of employment, not “how much a week?” but “will it exercise my faculties to the utmost?” Dorothy Sayers, Creed or Chaos, “Why Work?”

I like this a lot. I want to approach my work in the way that I approach the things I do for pleasure. I also want to see my work in the way that Sayers defines it, "Work is the gracious expression of creative energy in the service of others." So, as I look for those things that interest me, those creative outlets that excite me, and the ways that I can help and serve others in the process to create a more peaceful and just society I will look to see if it will exercise my talents to the utmost.

What kind of accent do I have?

I was talking about accents with someone the other day and they sent me this quiz. I tend to tell people that my accent is pretty neutral, "I don't have an accent" but, the fact of the matter is that I pick up accents. Wherever I go, I start speaking like the people there.

Who knows how accurate this is except that the top two influences "the West" and "the South" fit my theory. I've spent the most time in the West but, most recently I've lived with a whole bunch of Southerners (and loved it) and their accents started to rub off on me.

What American accent do you have? Your Result: The Midland   "You have a Midland accent" is just another way of saying "you don't have an accent." You probably are from the Midland (Pennsylvania, southern Ohio, southern Indiana, southern Illinois, and Missouri) but then for all we know you could be from Florida or Charleston or one of those big southern cities like Atlanta or Dallas. You have a good voice for TV and radio.
The West
The South
Philadelphia
Boston
The Inland North
North Central
The Northeast
What American accent do you have? Quiz Created on GoToQuiz

I'm too shy sometimes

Yesterday I had the greatest time. I went to the French Alliance, you know, to volunteer like I have most of the summer. The Librarian (who I help) told me that she had forgotten that it was 'staff lunch day' but that I could come (she shared her food with me).

This means that I got to have lunch with the delightful French staff at the Alliance. It was so funny. I understood about 90% which means I could follow the conversation. I hate how shy I feel when I'm around it, I need to just speak.

Anyway, being around the language makes me what to speak it. I just want to have the opportunity to live in a French speaking country and use it. I'm wondering if that could happen.

Post-War Gender Dynamics in El Salvador

So, I've been reading about El Salvador and will probably be blogging about El Salvador leading up to my trip there and obviously while I'm there. I'm going to be working with an NGO that does advocacy work regarding gender-based violence in El Salvador. This is includes domestic violence (like we might hear about quite a bit here in the US) but, it involves a lot more than that.

I'm not really given to super explicit descriptions but recently on the blog, Maggie in San Salvador, I found the description of what gender-based violence means in El Salvador. It's the kind of violence that we hear of in Africa and don't think of hearing about in the Americas.

Here's an excerpt of her post:

The first thing people will tell you about the gender dynamics in El Salvador is that there is a lot of machismo. But it’s not always obvious and definitely manifests itself in a variety of ways, some fairly harmless, others extremely harmful. The ways in which Salvadoran women deal with this macho, patriarical culture is quite admirable.

So there are definitely degrees and types of machismo here. You find patterns in attitudes and personalities of the men here. Of course there’s grey area and contradictions, but I would say the two most obvious are: The Hero and The Womanizer. There are also a few Total F... Mysogynists.

...

And then there are the Total F.... Mysoginists that are the cause of the very high rate of femicide in El Salvador. I had read stories before that were terrible enough to almost make me decide not to come. While it would be easy to say that such terrible acts occur in all corners of the world, think Paul Bernardo, I believe in El Salvador it is a direct result of the culture and the history of the country rather than just the actions of individual psycopaths. There was so much excessive rape and mutilation of women that occured during the civil war. It was done openly, as an intimidation tactic, so that many many people witnessed these atrocities.

I’m not an expert on how growing up in, living through, or fighting in a war affects a person. I’ve seen people with extreme anxieties, people who are angry or sorrowful for all they have lost, people with a great deal of concern for their fellow countrymen. But another outcome, especially for men whose lives were interrupted and taken over for all of the war, is complete desensitization. This, in combination with the generally sexist culture, is what can lead a truck full of a dozen men to pick up two women, rape them to pieces, bite at their faces, and then put bullets in their head despite their pleas that they have children waiting for them at home. This happened a month ago. One of the women survived despite the bullets in the head. But they probably won’t find the guys that did this. It wasn’t even in the news, it happened to a family one of my co-workers works with.

It’s hard not to distrust every single man you meet after hearing that. But it definitely isn’t such a common attitude. Most men simply want to be your hero. Like Enrique Igelsias.

I'm going to do some more reading about the civil war and its effects on the Salvadoran culture.

Suddenly they were Salvadorans

This was an interesting story in the Washington Post about the role that El Salvador played in trying to rescue Jews from the Holocaust. You can read the article, here.

It was amazing how, just when Hitler began applying the final solution to the last major Jewish community in Europe, there suddenly appeared in Budapest, by some estimates, thousands of Salvadorans who happened to be Jewish. They were scared but now clinging to hope, down by the Rio Danube.

In Spanish, " salvador" means "savior."

It's so interesting that a country that has been ravaged by war and is stricken with a plague of violence could have such a beautiful chapter of compassion in its history.

The Shack by William P. Young

My review

Rating: 3 of 5 stars

It's hard to describe this book. You could say that it is fiction or maybe not. It certainly throws you for a loop and challenges your perceptions of God and reality. As a book, it isn't the most incredible piece of literature I've ever read and it is very America specific (which makes sense because that is where the events happen). For those people who would like to use it in different cultures I might be cautious, spirituality is an interesting thing to try to cross-cultures with. But, all in all, I have to say that I liked it and would be really curious to hear what other people thought of it.

http://theshackbook.com/

Shen Wei Master of Ceremonies

I just heard an interview with Shen Wei the guy who did the choreography for the impressive Olympic opening ceremony. He is a Chinese choreographer, director, dancer, painter and designer.

Shen Wei was born in a rural village of Hunan, China in 1968. Son of Chinese opera professionals, he left home at the age of nine to study the form. In 1991, he became a founding member—dancer and choreographer—of the Guangdong Modern Dance Company, the first like it in China. Upon receiving a scholarship he moved to New York City in 1995. He is actually a naturalized American citizen which is so interesting.

You can hear the interview on The Story and see Shen Wei's website here.

Visual Fundraising

by http://wordle.net/

Joey Cheek's Visa Revoked

I have always enjoyed watching the Olympics. I don't have a TV so, this year I only get to watch segments of the Olympics on the Internet (which is fine, I don't particularly feel like spending my days watching TV). I get excited about popular sports like gymnastics and swimming just as much as the next person and wonder about the greater implications of all the money and energy that gets spent on these athletes and sports in general. I'm usually inspired by the hard work and dedication that all the athletes demonstrate at the Olymipcs and get excited with the competition.

There are a lot of conversations going on about the Olympics this year. Sitting on the metro I've overheard numbers of people asking "Did you see the opening ceremony? It was incredible!" and the other day I watched a woman going on a rant about boycotting the Olympics and Chinese products because of their human rights abuses. So confusing. The truth is that I have several Chinese friends who I love very much and going to China is on my list of things I would very much like to do. The controversy is real and has its validity but that does not mean that the Chinese people themselves ought to be demonized.

Now, this video is sort of random except that Joey Cheek came onto my radar screen about two years ago and I remember being really curious about his perspective on Darfur, China and other things. This is the story, I actually sent him an e-mail asking him some questions and believe it or not Joey wrote me back! We actually exchanged a few e-mails. It was really cool. So, I have to admit that I think Joey's a great guy and I was sad to hear that China didn't let him go see the Olympics this year. (If you are thinking about this stuff, maybe you should read this article at Orion Magazine.)

Being in relationship = being human

Just to continue the thought from my previous post. I long to be a 'contributing member of society' in some tangible way... most people probably long for that. Even though in some way that will probably look like earning my own income --enough to provide for myself and hopefully care for some others-- society needs more than people that can make money. Maybe part of the problem with the world is that we train people to be money-makers and we don't teach people how to be human.

Even though my pride has been on the line this summer, my humanity has been affirmed. I have had time to watch, listen, and enjoy people. I have watched people rushing, exhausted, and apparently frustrated with their daily tasks. I have listened to people trying to understand the purpose of the work they do (which earns them the income I am diligently trying to acquire) and I've enjoyed sharing little moments of beauty, celebration and presence with others.

The idea of 'practicing the presence of people' (some guy wrote a book with that title spinning it off of that other book 'Practicing the Presence of God') and 'living fully present' have been my companions in the midst of a diligent job search, interview process, and a cycle of excitement, disappointment, doubt, and hope. Nothing gives me quite the same kind of satisfaction that I get when I know I've had a good, deep, and meaningful conversation with someone . I've had many of those this summer and I realize that I'm blessed.

Knowing that I will be headed to El Salvador soon is exciting because finally I'm moving forward but, in this case, it is moving only through the support, love, and encouragement of people who have allowed themselves to be fully present to me, to hear my heart, to know my dreams, and to support me. This means that any success or failure is not entirely mine, it is shared. It gives me greater motivation to do well and courage to risk failure when I know that people have heard my heart and want to share with me so that I can do those things that I believe are good and worth doing.

I still have a lot of hope stored up. I still have a lot of fears that I cling to but, all in all... I am growing in the understanding of what it means to be human and I hope to keep that awareness even in the de-humanizing systems of business and economics that we've created for ourselves. I hope that I will work to create because it is human to create not merely for the sake of earning money. I will work to serve others because it is human to be connected to others and be in relationship, not to use others or get anything from them. I will seek to love because I have been loved first.

*I'm going to try to be-friend some Salvadorans before I leave... yay for Pupusas!

What gives us hope?

What is it that gives us hope? Last night, after walking and counting 'Pupuserias' (it was the most lovely, perfect weather!) from the AP up to Delafield to see my friends and then back down to Columbia Heights to hear Peter Habyarimana from Uganda speak. We spent the evening remembering Rwanda and Uganda and the children in these far off African countries that I dream of visiting some day.

Earlier in the day, I had a long conversation with a friend in Japan, I had been trying to keep myself from laughing out loud as I listened to "This American Life", I spent a few minutes trying to let the fact that I'm leaving for El Salvador soon to settle in (it doesn't feel like a reality at all) and then I had two long conversations on the phone before I walked into the room where Peter was going to share his story.

Peter grew up in Uganda and has one of those stories that are both tragic and inspiring all at the same time. He lived on the streets for a time and a family helped him go to boarding school so that he could graduate from high school. I don't know what everyone else thinks when they hear people sharing stories like that but, I thought about the recent episode of "This American Life" where they told the stories of people who had become 'spokesmen' for certain things that they either regretted or grew out of and didn't know how to get away from. Peter is a spokesperson for 'Compassion International' and I wonder if he likes it that his whole life is connected to that organization.

That wasn't really what I was going to write about. One thing that Peter talked about was 'hope' and how wonderful it is to give hope to children, especially children in Africa who do not 'hope to be 18 or even 10'. That is sad. I remember being 10 and having all sorts of plans for what I would do when I was 18. Now that I'm past 18, graduated from college, and trying to make it in the real world there's something inside of me that feels like the children. Am I where I'm supposed to be? What am I supposed to be hoping for?

I'm afraid that this summer has been quite humbling for me. I feel very, very aware of my shortcomings. I am filled with dreams and goals and yet, something about constant rejection makes you feel quite insignificant. (I feel incredibly grateful for what I've been given but, confused as to what the next step is.) Peter from Uganda asked me what I do and I had to fumble with the answer which is: I am looking for my place here and am having a very hard time finding it. He gave me a strange look and said 'I thought that everyone in DC was powerful and worked for the government.' I wasn't sure if he was disappointed or relieved to meet someone who had neither of those things.

I guess if I come out of this summer with more modesty because I have no reason to be pretentious, that would be good. Everything continues to move forward even when I've felt stuck and ashamed at my seeming inability to make any sort of tangible contribution to society. My independence has been hurt this summer, the idea that I can do anything if I try hard enough has sort of been reduced to that just an idea. It doesn't seem like much of a reality. I have a strong sense of determination but, with much less pride. The truth is that I need other people in my life, I need their encouragement, I need the hope that they give me.

I guess one thing that has become very, very clear to me this summer is that my identity is not (and hopefully never is) wrapped up in what I 'produce'. I have often spoken out against approaching other people in this way and I didn't realize the extent to which I have judged my on self-worth in this way. Serving, knowing, and loving others is the most worthwhile investment of time. I've always thought that but, this summer has been a test to that belief. I believe in being active, in putting my gifts to use and this summer has been one of those times when I've doubted what use I've been in the little it seems like I've done, I've doubted what my talents are and wondered if I've just make a huge mistake trying to find a place here. I believe my contribution matters but, I guess it matters collectively in the context of the greater community.

Ouch!

I don't know if you can see it very well but, I have huge lump on my head because I walked into an open gate as I was walking down a sidewalk last night. I was startled and a little embarrassed, plus I ended up with this lump on my head!

It's uncomfortable, that's all I know...

Here are the contrasts that I live with...

The first conversation is with a dear loved friend who has found themself confused, frustrated, and generally feeling out of place in the traditional organized church. I listened carefully, there are so many reasons to be discomforted and displaced by 'the church' the way that we humans so often do it.

The second conversation is with a newer friend who quite confidently and offhandedly says 'People who say they're uncomfortable with the organized church annoy me.' I listened and chose not to say anything. I didn't want to let my mind wander with the thought that my first friend was right --the church is no place to have questions.

On the one hand I understand both set of frustrations and on the other, I'm not sure what I think about it all.

As We Forgive - Rwanda

I'm not sure how many of my peers were aware that the genocide was happening in Rwanda at the time in 1994. I was only 10 years old when it happened and due to my dad's incredible perceptiveness we were aware that the genocide was happening throughout. My dad tried to keep us informed and also did his best to help us make sense of what was happening there. We also, in response to the awful reality of what was happening there, tried to do whatever we could to help.

Since then, I have repeatedly (along with many of my peers) been gripped with the awfulness of what happened there. During college, I studied modern African history and have read several books about the genocide (i.e. Left to Tell: Discovering God Amidst the Rwandan Holocaust by Immaculee Ilibagiza; Shake Hands with the Devil: The Failure of Humanity in Rwanda by Roméo Dallaire) and have thought about this event a lot.

Right now, I am reading "We Wish to Inform You That Tomorrow We Will be Killed With Our Families: Stories from Rwanda" by Philip Gourevitch and have been blessed getting to know Laura Waters Hinson who recently won the gold medal for the best documentary at the student academy awards with "As We Forgive". Laura and Philip were both recently interviewed on NPR and it would be great if you would listen to the interview.

Rwanda's attempt to forgive thousands of people who committed brutal murder is unheard of. I guess true forgiveness really is supernatural, a gift, and a mystery.

'This world was still asking things of us that we had to give.'

There are some things that fill us with grief for a moment and are quickly lifted. Some things are heavy and will not leave us easily or soon. Yesterday, I was reminded of several sadnesses that I have shared with others. Many of my friends and I were shaken almost three years ago by the death of a dear friend from college. She committed suicide and it cast a shadow over all of us that still comes back to us at times. Less than a year ago, the closest friend of a dear friend of mine died unexpectedly and suddenly. Then there was my friend who felt the loss of closeness in relationship with her family. All these things have been the source of such grief.

As I wandered around a bookstore yesterday, I stumbled upon this story "Stand By Me" by Wendell Berry. It made me cry because it was so beautiful in a tragic sort of a way. He touched that little part of me that was trying to make sense of the losses that we experience and do not know how to get out from under.

"And yet their absence puts them with you in a way they never were before. You even maybe know them better than you did before. They stay with you, and in a way you go with them. They don’t live on in your heart, but your heart knows them. As your heart gets bigger on the inside, the world gets bigger on the outside. If the dead were alive only in this world, you would forget them, looks like, as soon as they die. But you remember them, because they always were living in the other, bigger world while they lived in this little one, and this one and the other one are the same. You can’t see this with your eyes looking straight ahead. It’s with your side vision, so to speak, that you see it. The longer I live, and the better acquainted I am among the dead, the better I see it. I am telling what I know."

What is difficult is when people who are still living become like strangers, it is as if they die. They die not in the sense that they have become removed from us but, you become more aware of them as the alienation grows stronger. A ruptured relationship is a lot like death because the thought of those people are with you more than if there was nothing wrong. How strange! The very people who hurt and alienate us will, in some ways, never leave us. We will carry them with us as we carry the dead.

I am someone who cries when I feel sad. You can pretty much count on me crying if something happens that deserves some tears. But, the fact that I express myself freely goes for all my emotions. I will generally be quite expressive with my joy and happiness as well. Not long ago, a friend pointed out that I had stopped smiling and that there was a perpetual gloom that surrounded me. It was hard to understand and I found myself confused at my own despair.

During that time, someone --probably the same friend-- asked me if I like to cry more than I liked to smile and laugh. I couldn't help but admit that I would rather smile than cry. 'Then why don't you smile more?' was the obvious question. I realized that I was afraid that if I smiled I would be acting. I felt that smiling would be pretending that the pain wasn't there. Slowly, I decided that my logic was wrong. Yes, perhaps, there is such a thing as fake joy but, life is paradoxical. I can, without being dishonest, be happy and sad at the same time.

As I tried to understand how to respond to the pain inside, I realized that there was room in the grief to just move on.

"Even so, this place is not a keepsake just to look at and remember. You can’t stop just because you’re carrying a load of grief and would like to stop, or don’t care if you go on or not. Jarrat nor I either didn’t stop. This world was still asking things of us that we had to give."

'This world was still asking things of us that we had to give.' This is where I realize that I can move forward. I can be sad and cry and happy and smile with the grief and the joy all mixed up inside of me. My grief moves me forward as a comforter for others and my joy moves me forward to wonder at the beauty that other people bring to life. I like to smile more than I like to cry so, today, when I feel like I have a lot of reasons to cry I think I'm going to smile (unless, of course, you want to give me a hug and then a couple lost tears might stream down my face).

I learned to laugh through my tears.

"There is nothing better than being in the real space with real people"

The experience of being in a place with another person can transform you. It is the difference between coming home at the end of the day to a person who will share your stories and coming home at the end of the day and making a phone call to tell someone about your day. I admit that telephone, e-mail, or otherwise are helpful and can be so comforting in their own limited ways but, they never ever can replicate the experience of being in a real place (here's to Josh) with another person or communicate the expression of who we are and what we are truly living with another person.

The meeting place, the shared space, the common room, all of these things seem beautiful to me. I'm interested in what those meeting places are. We live in the generation of the "coffee shop", this is our shared space... for others it is the bar and it might be someplace else for others. Why is it that "space" is so important? We need more than digital reminders that someone is thinking of us. Or even pay checks that someone is providing for us (even though being provided for is important).

It is the transformation that happens when you let someone see and experience your tears and then, letting them embrace you. This is not easy. Even in the shared space we can feel alone or rejected. Nevertheless, I think it is much more worthwhile to enter into the common space and share the beauty of life with others than hiding away for fear of what 'might happen'. It makes us more careful and less selfish. Being in a place with another person can transform you.

I love paper

I was spending the afternoon with a friend yesterday and we walked into a bookstore. There is something so lovely about having friends who get excited in bookstores. When I visit a bookstore with a friend, I feel like I'm having the opportunity to introduce friends to each other!

One thing that I exclaimed with glee when we were walking around the bookstore was "I love paper!" It is true. As much as I use this electronic medium to communicate some of the things that I'm thinking or doing I cannot even get close to describing how much I love sitting with a notebook and a pen or pencil just to write whatever it is I'm thinking, scribbling sometimes incoherent thoughts, and jotting down ideas or reminders.

I was reading GOOD and it mentioned this interesting linkable notebook idea. At some point I'm going to try them out. It looks fantastic.

GOOD

I am often overwhelmed with the ability to be interested in practically everything. This has been one of my greatest strengths and biggest weaknesses. I'm easily distracted and at the same time can get deeply enthralled in all sorts of different things. Sometimes, I wonder what will become of me when I grow up.

Anyway, on one of my favorite radio shows "Speaking of Faith" Krista Tippett interviewed Jonathan Greenblatt who has done all sorts of things including starting the magazine GOOD. She called the interview "The Business of Doing Good" and discussed the complexity of bringing the ingenuity of business and the compassion of charity together. Their conversation is interesting and the magazine is really great.
This is what the people at GOOD say about themselves: "We see a growing number of people tied together not by age, career, background, or circumstance, but by a shared interest. This revolves around a passion for potential mixed with fierce pragmatism and creative engagement." The magazine has become one of my favorites.

I have spent a lot of time in the past couple of months thinking about these things and am excited (with a little trepidation) to see how I will walk into this "business of doing good."

People are filled with contradictions

I was on the metro and I met this man, let's call him Frasier, and I was somewhat surprised at our conversation. He was polite and kind even but said the strangest things. He thanked me for looking cheerful because everyone else on the metro seemed a little down, I guess. Then he asked me what I "do" and that, of course, what a complicated question to answer. He got the idea, at least, that I am headed in a certain direction and I want to be able to help people in whatever I end up doing. He said that was noble. Then...

The went into a very long monologue about how the equal rights for women movement ruined America. He was a self-proclaimed "male chauvinist". I just listened to him. He said that he thought women should be able to vote, that's ok, but that they really should stay at home, take care of the kids, and cook. I don't know what happened to my facial expressions as he said all of this, I'm guessing I was quite composed. He said that he hated it when women acted like men and he wished that they wouldn't be so annoying. I wasn't sure what he wanted me to get out of all of his ranting (it was a quiet ranting) but, before he left he thanked me for the 'conversation' telling me it was pleasant and told me that I was doing something good. (??)

I didn't really know what to make of him. I think that those kinds of contradictions are so common. Everyone, everyone is filled with contradictions and paradoxes. We are open and closed, we are trusting and fearful, we are hopeful and discouraged. What should we make of these contradictions? I'm not sure. I could have judged Frasier and maybe (in my heart) "give it back to him" blaming people like him for everything that's wrong in 'America'. But, the truth is that I didn't think that, I just realized that I didn't understand him. It is probably a better starting point to know that I don't understand other people than to assume than I do.

I'm not quite sure what to do with all the contradictions but, it certainly challenges me to be more patient with others because I realize how much I need others to be patient with me.

What does it all mean?

What does it mean to be a person? Do we exist when we are not in relationship with other people? What does it mean to be a Christian? What does it mean to be in a relationship with Jesus? What does it mean?

In the past three weeks I've had three conversations that have revolved around those questions and I cannot say that I have an answer. The truth is that personhood is hard to define outside of our relationship with other people. Meaning and purpose seem to be tied up almost inextricably with being in relationship with other people.

Now, a Christian [all those experiences that make us think that Christianity is about a set of rules need to be set aside for a minute], a Christian is someone who is in relationship with the Christ, Jesus. What does that mean? I mean, I guess there are some people who live a kind of supra-human life where they live in this state of blessed 'otherness' and are connected to some supernatural spiritual being or something all the time.

I am not one of those people. I believe that God exists, that He is personal, and He loves me but, how do I believe that? Well, you could say that there is something supernatural or mysterious about that belief. I don't know how I believe it. Many times I experience rest I cannot explain and unsettledness that I cannot escape. One of my recent conversations has been with a friend who feels like Christianity is rational. Like we can explain everything and Christianity can explain everything.

I want to believe that but, I'm afraid that it doesn't really work that way. Can it be that the rational explanations only make sense to some people? Or is it that they seem rational only after something mysterious and spiritual happens in a person so that they can understand it? That isn't the kind of rationality that we're all talking about. As comfortably as we can explain everything in light of Christianity it doesn't mean that those explanations will make sense to everyone.

But, that's fine. Really, I'm ok with the mystery and not being able to understand everything. The truth is that those things that have demonstrated themselves to be true have been true consistently and even though I am not looking around for proofs, it is comforting to any person to see how the mysterious things you believe can comfort you even in the most uncomfortable situations.

What does it mean to be in relationship with Jesus? At least for me, He often feels absent. Yet, what He said was that He wanted us to continue to meet with other followers of Jesus and that in those meetings He would be present. This is where the idea of Church, meetings, and community come from. The idea that aside from the community of Christians we will be missing out on our relationship with Jesus. Other people are not Jesus, thank goodness, but they are the expression of our relationship with Jesus here and now. I don't understand it but, that is what it is.

Now, one of my other conversations had to do with the expression of Christian community. There are those people who would die if they heard of a Christian who had stopped going to an established Church group but, the fact of the matter that even the most organized Churches are still groups of Christians who voluntarily continue to gather together. I guess we could have a long discussion about authority, sound doctrine, and other things but, when it comes to knowing Jesus I think that gathering and sharing life with other Christians is what is most important.

Generally, I would say that the commitment of organized Christianity that forces you to interact with people other than those you would naturally choose and work through differences is one of the most challenging and growing experiences a person can have. But, the voluntary commitment to share life with others is one that all Christians should feel compelled to make and most do, even if it doesn't look the way you might expect it to. That is at least a part of what it means to be in relationship with Jesus.

I can't even get a temp job

For as much as many people have told me 'you're doing the right things' when it comes to finding a job in DC, it doesn't actually feel that way mostof the time. The truth is that I'm still looking for work in DC. The strangest thing is that even though I may be doing the right things, there are a lot of things I'm completely unsure about.

Now that I'm trying to put together the details to go to El Salvador I'd like to find temporary work for a couple weeks. In fact, I've been looking for temporary work (along-side all of my fancy job search) for weeks and I think I must be doing something wrong. Many people say, 'you should get a temp job' and I think, 'that's a great idea' but apparently haven't a clue where to start looking for one of those so-called 'temp jobs'.

Anyway, if I could have a temp job I'd feel that much more compelled to stay in DC for another month and leave at beginning of September. I might do that anyway, even if I don't get a temporary job. Feeling slightly overwhelmed right now.

people, people, people

I've spent the last few evenings in good company and yet in very different settings. On Wednesday I got to go to a major league baseball game for the second time in my life. It was the Washington Nationals vs the Philadelphia Phillies. I might not need to say it but, for those who haven't been following baseball recently --the Phillies won. The best part of the game were the people who I got to go with. The people who have made being 'all here while I'm here' fun and encouraging.

The following night was also a great time because of the people but it was an entirely different setting. I went to Evermay for an intimate evening talking about books and other things. Sometimes, I feel overwhelmed in that type of setting and yet I also feel strangely welcomed into the Trinity Forum community.

Friday night, I got to join a really amazing group of girls for a relaxing girl's night. Talking, eating, playing games, it was a refreshing evening. The following night, I gathered together with my TFA friends and my dinner group from Easton. They drove all the way out to DC to have dinner with us! What a time! There was something that felt more relaxed than usual about that evening as well.

Then Sunday night, I got together with all my new but precious friends from Church of the Advent. More talking than I was ready for (I was wanting to play some frisbee) but, it was another affirming time with people who I want to continue knowing.