thoughts about life

Resolutions

2011-12-30T00:42:00.003-05:00

Considering my success rate with resolutions. It's probably not worth posting these but, here's to new beginnings!

Books to Read - (free online!)

2011-12-23T23:16:00.003-05:00

This is the beginning of a list of books that are available for free online that I would like to read (or reread). I also believe that this is an important part of my education. So, here's to reading! Let's see how long it takes me to work through this list.

War and Peace by Leo Tolstoy
Walden by Henry David Thoreau
Utopia by Thomas More
Ulysses by James Joyce
Twenty Thousand Leagues Under the Sea by Jules Verne
Twelfth Night by William Shakespeare
Through the Looking-Glass by Lewis Carroll
This Side of Paradise by F. Scott Fitzgerald
The Wonderful Wizard of Oz by L. Frank Baum
The Winter's Tale by William Shakespeare
The Wind in the Willows by Kenneth Graham
The Time Machine by H.G. Wells
The Secret Agent by Joseph Conrad
The Scarlet Pimpernel by Baroness Emmuska Orczy
The Scarlet Letter by Nathaniel Hawthorne
The Republic by Plato
The Odyssey by Homer
The Legend of Sleepy Hollow by Washington Irving
The Jungle Book by Rudyard Kipling
The Invisible Man by H.G. Wells
The Importance of Being Earnest by Oscar Wilde
The Iliad by Homer
The Hunchback of Notre Dame by Victor Hugo
The Education of Henry Adams by Henry Adams
The Count of Monte Cristo by Alexandre Dumas
The Confessions of J. J. Rousseau by Jean-Jacques Rousseau
The Canterbury Tales by Geoffrey Chaucer
The Autobiography of Benjamin Franklin
The Art of War by Sun Tzu
The Aeneid by Virgil
The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn by Mark Twain
Tess of the D'Urbervilles by Thomas Hardy
Taming of the Shrew by William Shakespeare
Sons and Lovers by D.H. Lawrence
Silas Marner by George Eliot
Siddhartha by Hermann Hesse
Robinson Crusoe by Daniel Defoe
Pygmalion by George Bernard Shaw
Poetics by Aristotle
Poems by T.S. Eliot
Paradise Lost by John Milton
Othello by William Shakespeare
Oedipus Trilogy by Sophocles
Nostromo: A Tale of the Seaboard by Joseph Conrad
Much Ado About Nothing by William Shakespeare
Moby Dick by Herman Melville
Middlemarch by George Eliot
Metamorphoses by Ovid
Measure for Measure by William Shakespeare
Madame Bovary by Gustave Flaubert
Lyrical Ballads by William Wordsworth
Les Miserables by Victor Hugo
Leaves of Grass by Walt Whitman
King Richard II by William Shakespeare
King Lear by William Shakespeare
Julius Caesar by William Shakespeare
Journey to the Centre of the Earth by Jules Verne
Hamlet by William Shakespeare
Great Expectations by Charles Dickens
Far from the Madding Crowd by Thomas Hardy
Far from the Madding Crowd by Thomas Hardy
Don Quixote by Miguel de Cervantes
Divine Comedy by Dante Aligheri
David Copperfield by Charles Dickens
Daniel Deronda by George Eliot
Common Sense by Thomas Paine
Candide by Voltaire
Beowulf
As You Like It by William Shakespeare
Around the World in 80 Days by Jules Verne
Anna Karenina by Leo Tolstoy
Alice's Adventures in Wonderland by Lewis Carroll
A Tale of Two Cities by Charles Dickens
A Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man by James Joyce
A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur's Court by Mark Twain

Reading Daily - my self-education

2011-12-23T23:16:00.000-05:00

During this past week that I've had a break from teaching, I've been able to do more reading than I have in a while. It's been great. I'm doing reading about education and learning for my international teaching certificate and I'm also reading a couple novels. I'm actually reading three books in a digital format and another in a real -paper in your hands- format. It's great!!

The site that I discovered recently, which I'm really excited about, is called DailyLit which sends you a new chapter or part of a chapter daily of any of the books on their site. It's a great idea and I have found myself reading more because of it! Another tool similar to this is receiving parts of the Bible (if you want to read through the Bible) to an RSS feed or your email every day from the ESV site.

I think that having a "real" book will always be something I like. Nevertheless, there are so many books that you can read for free in a digital format it seems to me that before I purchase any new "real" books. I should work my way through this list of books that I can get for free and the books I already own but haven't found the time to read yet.

Zechariah's Prophecy

2011-12-23T21:11:00.002-05:00

    And his father Zechariah was filled with the Holy Spirit and prophesied, saying,
    “Blessed be the Lord God of Israel,
        for he has visited and redeemed his people
    and has raised up a horn of salvation for us
        in the house of his servant David,
    as he spoke by the mouth of his holy prophets from of old,
    that we should be saved from our enemies
        and from the hand of all who hate us;
    to show the mercy promised to our fathers
        and to remember his holy covenant,
    the oath that he swore to our father Abraham, to grant us
        that we, being delivered from the hand of our enemies,
    might serve him without fear,
        in holiness and righteousness before him all our days.
    And you, child, will be called the prophet of the Most High;
        for you will go before the Lord to prepare his ways,
    to give knowledge of salvation to his people
        in the forgiveness of their sins,
    because of the tender mercy of our God,
        whereby the sunrise shall visit us from on high
    to give light to those who sit in darkness and in the shadow of death,
        to guide our feet into the way of peace.”
    And the child grew and became strong in spirit, and he was in the wilderness until the day of his public appearance to Israel.

(Luke 1:67-80 ESV)

Vacation

2011-12-23T17:48:00.000-05:00

Me imagino que todos tienen aquellas actividades que los inspiran. Para mi es caminar, conversar, leer, escuchar música, cocinar, y aquellas pequeñas cosas que se pueden hacer con las manos. Después de inspirar... hay cosas que me emocionan como conocer lugares nuevos, ir a conciertos de música, apreciar arte en un museo, pero no es lo mismo que las cosas que me inspiran, es decir, me llenan por dentro y me dan ganas de vivir.

Hace exactamente una semana empezó un pequeño descanso en la mitad de nuestro año escolar. La verdad es que los primeros cuatro días se sintieron ocupadas y ajetreadas, el quinto día fué el día que estuve en casa y aparte de descansar tuvimos que limpiar todo, y no fué hasta el sexto día que pude empezar a realmente hacer algunas de las cosas que yo considero própias de descansar y de vacaciones. Tengo que hacer algo para que en el futuro no demore tanto para entrar en el estando de "descanso".

Lo que representa esto para mi, es poder levantarme --un poco temprano-- salir a caminar con Jolie, desayunar, meditar un poco en alguna lectura bíblica, ordenar la casa un poquito, leer un poco de algún tema relacionado a mis estudios, leer una novela, leer un poco más, cocinar el almuerzo mientras escucho música, salir a caminar con Jolie, leer un poco más... y por allí va mezclandose un poco de intentar tocar la guitarra, jugar algún juego con mi esposo, tal vez intentar hacer un poco de origami, pensar en sembrar algunas flores en la maceta que tenemos afuera, y sentarme en la puerta mirando el paisaje con Jolie y Opi --estas son mis vacaciones ideales.

Y lo lindo de pasar tiempo leyendo, apreciando la naturaleza, caminando con Jolie (y mi esposo), cocinando, escuchando música... es que son todas las cosas que me inspiran y me llevan a tener algo que escribirle a mis amigos o aquí en este blog. Claro, cuanto pueda me encantaría alguna caminata en las montañas o un día en la playa pero, aunque un escape así puede ser una buena manera de cambiar el enfoque, estar en casa y llenarme de ideas y sueños es la mejor manera de renovarme.

(Ariel va a sonreir cuando lea esto porque él sabe que aunque todo esto es cierto vivo con una especie de inquietud constante que convierte todas mis lecturas, actividades y pensamientos en un perpetuo deseo de ir a algún lugar nuevo y hacer algo, nunca alcanzo la paz interior que tanto anhelo.)

And now I ask you,

2011-12-08T12:19:00.001-05:00

...dear lady—not as though I were writing you a new commandment, but the one we have had from the beginning—that we love one another.
(2 John 1:5 ESV)

Satisfaction

2011-12-08T10:28:00.001-05:00

I have always wanted to be satisfied with what I have. It's ironic, I'm not even satisfied with my level of satisfaction. There are many things in my life that I would like to change, improve, even get rid of. The main thing I would like to improve in myself is my ability to be satisfied no matter what my circumstances might be. It is by far the hardest thing for me to do.

I aspire to not live based on what other people think of me or trying to live up to other people's expectations but solely based on what I believe are the essentials of life. Essentials such as peace, love, and mercy.

Not too long ago I was speaking to a friend who has developed a disciplined habit of meditating for long periods of time --seriously spending time in silence without distractions for at least an hour every day. I don't know if I could realistically do that but, I do think that there is something very valuable in that habit. I think that if I spent 30 minutes every day silently meditating, or peacefully praying, something amazing could happen. My priorities would be gently reoriented on a daily basis. That essential element of peace starts internally and I think that is probably one of the best ways to develop it.

Another habit that I believe is reorienting and helps me keep my heart and mind in a more satisfied space, is writing. It allows me to remember what I love, count all my blessings, and purge myself of so many restless thoughts. Writing here, writing on Contrapunto, writing to friends, and just writing for the sake of writing even though no one might ever read it. It cleans and focuses me on what I believe is true and good.

I've been thinking a lot about re-focusing that comes from spending time enjoying the beauty of nature and reading. Maybe even both of those things at the same time. Peaceful activity, when you live peacefully, your while life tends to calm itself down, even though everything around you might actually be rushing at an unsustainable pace. I think that more than just wishing that I were more content, I need to live in ways that inspire contentment and carefully avoid all that which inspires dissatisfaction.

The beauty of trying to reorient your life in the direction of love and mercy is that it forces you gently to take your mind off of yourself and spend your energy considering the needs of others. This is one of the main reasons that I want to try to re-order my understanding of the purpose of money. Or of my money at least. Thinking of what I have in terms of how I can help those who are in need as opposed to only helping myself. This is probably one of my most profound challenges. I want to do so many things that I cannot do because I am limited financially, but I have also been able to do SO many things because I am also blessed financially (even if it doesn't always feel like it). When I think of those who might not be able to finish elementary school because they don't have enough resources, suddenly my needs seem petty and gratitude grows where there used to be dissatisfaction. It only really remains, however, when I seek to do something about it. I think that sometimes contentment might be born out of generosity.

I think the part of my life that most inspires and confuses me is that of "work". The work that must be done to survive and sometimes done because you love to do it. It's confusing because it is the one activity in my life that I MUST do and it is the one activity that I find most draining and often least satisfying. It is not satisfying often because it seems like a rush of activity with little reflection, overwhelming expectations that I'm afraid of not living up to. This is the one area of my life that I feel like I have stated expectations from other, I am constantly being evaluated by others, it seems terribly difficult to keep up with what is expected of me and it is in this area of my life that I have not figured out how to cultivate satisfaction. Why is it that what we must do becomes exactly that which takes the life out of everything we do?

I guess what I'm saying is that I would like to spend more time meditating, more time writing, more time in nature, more time reading, more time giving, and less time worrying about what other people are going to think of who I am and what I do. This is hard, so hard but, I believe it is good, so good.

Writing as a Teacher

2011-11-08T21:53:00.000-05:00

I just started teaching a new writing unit and I feel like I need to return to this blog because of it. The main reason is that in the very little time that I've dedicated to blogging recently, I have written in Spanish and it would be helpful to model for my students using words I've actually written in English. Let's hope it works.

Blogging when you're down

2011-09-25T18:42:00.003-04:00

Sometimes, I feel like I blog when I am dissatisfied with something in my life. I blog when I'm sad or when I'm sick or tired. This time I've been sick and so I've gotten some good rest. Hopefully it's a good thing.

The fact is that coming off of being sick has made me feel bad about not being disciplined in certain parts of my life that are important to me such as 1) communicating with family and friends 2) writing/blogging 3) reading 4) exercising 5) praying.

I know that starting a new teaching job with almost all new curriculum as well as doing an International Teaching Certificate is a lot of work and will take up a lot of my time, I still feel like I should be able to find time for those things... shouldn't I?

it is yet night

2011-06-27T10:58:00.000-04:00

She opens her mouth with wisdom,
and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue.
Proverbs 31:26

In Proverbs it talks about this amazing woman who rises while it is yet night and provides food for her household. To be honest, I dislike rising while it is still night to go to work, does this make me a lazy person? Maybe I have a long way to go to become like that excellent woman.

Satisfaction and leeches

2011-06-26T23:59:00.000-04:00

The leech has two daughters:
Give and Give.
Three things are never satisfied;
four never say, “Enough”:
Sheol, the barren womb,
the land never satisfied with water,
and the fire that never says, “Enough.”
Proverbs 30:15-16

I've been thinking a lot about what it means to be satisfied recently. It always seems like there is something else I would like (a trip to some location, a house that is closer to my work, etc. etc.) and it's not that these things are wrong to desire but, it's wrong to allow it to consume you. When you start to feel envious of those who DO have their dream house, who DO get to go on their dream vacation, etc. something is wrong. I have so much to be thankful for, I do not want to be like a leech.

it's been a while

2011-06-19T22:06:00.000-04:00

It's been a while since I've come around here to write about what's going on in my life. This week was a great week. I had my last day of work on Tuesday and have been running errands and enjoying my freedom ever since.

This past year has been an interesting one at work. I have confirmed a few things: I like to teach and I have a lot to learn still. I am looking forward to next year working at a new school. I am going to teach 4th grade and do the International Teaching Certificate at the same time. It will be a lot of work but, I think that it is the perfect time to do it. I hope that the work I have to do for the certificate program really complements my teaching.

During this break I want to write, run, play, and read... Ariel and I want to go to Boquete and the Volcan and at the end of the summer enjoy the visit of a couple friends and do some touristy stuff with them.

There will be more to tell but, for now that is going to be it.

Breakfast Interrupted

2011-05-20T07:54:00.001-04:00

BSS | Breakfast Interrupted - Behind The Scenes from Bruton Stroube Studios on Vimeo.

The hidden power of smiling

2011-05-11T21:41:00.000-04:00

After watching this video I feel like smiling more.

Butter beans and pesto!

2011-05-06T08:08:00.000-04:00

I saw this recipe for butter bean and arugula pesto salad at everyday musings. It looks absolutely delicious.

Orange Sky

2011-05-06T07:40:00.000-04:00

I love this song by Alexi Murdoch. There is something about it's simplicity, orange skies, and that person who is our home. I think that there is something beautiful about this thought, this song has something subtly Christian about it even though I don't think that was it's intention.

World Peace and Other 4th-grade Achievements

2011-05-04T08:35:00.000-04:00

I watched this video yesterday and I've been thinking about how cool it would be to be able to do something like this with my students some day.

Antimicrobial resistance

2011-04-07T09:05:00.000-04:00

I have been feeling frustrated recently with my activity setting goals and my inactivity reaching them. I cannot quite figure out what is wrong. I think I need to focus more on the things I'm am grateful for, it will help me realize that there are some habits that I have that are really healthy and good. It's not that my life is completely disorganized and unproductive, it's just that there are some habits that I would like to establish and they seem to escape me.

On a side note, today is World Health Day. The focus of this years World Health Day is antimicrobial resistance and it's global spread. What is that? This is what I got from the WHO Q&A section:

Q: What is antimicrobial resistance?
A: Antimicrobial resistance – also known as drug resistance – occurs when microorganisms such as bacteria, viruses, fungi and parasites change in ways that render the medications used to cure the infections they cause ineffective...Antimicrobial resistance is facilitated by the inappropriate use of medicines, for example, when taking substandard doses or not finishing a prescribed course of treatment.

Lists, lists, lists

2011-04-03T18:55:00.000-04:00

I like lists, I have to admit it. Even though there is a part of me that enjoys the idea of being spontaneous I usually enjoy having things to check off a list along the way. I was reading other people's goals for 2011 and was thinking about how posting your goals gives other people the opportunity to keep you accountable for the goals you have set for yourself. I was reading an article about how to make sure you're doing what you love and it made me want to be more intentional about writing down my goals. Mostly because I like to and in part because it is a good way to remind myself that I do what I do because I love it and in part because it will help me keep at it.

This is the list of goals I made for 2011:

Communicate weekly with friends & family
Take more pictures (and post them)
Read (at least) one book each month
Go on at least 3 hikes (Camino de Cruces, Antón, Volcán Barú, etc.)
Send something I've written to a contest
Save money on a monthly basis
Read the Bible more regularly
Start a recycling campaign at the camp where I live
Take a dance class
Participate in literary/cultural events in Panama

This is my list of other things I would like to do:

Put together a photo album of my wedding photos
Visit Kuna Yala
Go to the beach (San Carlos, Punta Chame)
Listen to This American Life
Write letters with pen & paper
Have tea with friends
Walk regularly
Update an album once a month
Cook good food
Visit good restaurants in Panamá

My list for today...

Blog every day in April
Fold my laundry
Write about Jolie (our new puppy) and Ophy (our new kitten, pronounced O-PY)

Quito!

2011-03-16T23:15:00.000-04:00

I had a great time in Quito last week. I had no idea how much history was packed into the city and country of Ecuador. It was a great time. I would love to go back to visit again sometime.

I spent most of my time at an International Educators Conference but, I spent the rest of the time with Ariel and our friend Mariqui touring the city. She did a great job of showing us the highlights.

What I liked the best about the city was the Colonial part. We got to cimb up to the highest tower of the Basilica and that was great because we got a great view of the city.

Mariqui, Hannah, & Ariel

Mariqui also took us up one of the volcanoes that surrounds the city called Pichincha. On the way up we got a spectacular view of the city, once we got up to the top we were in a cloud. Ecuador's climate is quite cold most of the time.

Mariqui did a great job of showing us the highlights. We walked around the old city and saw the churches, Ariel was able to see on of the museums and she took us out to eat real Ecuadorian cuisine.

Probably one of the best parts of the trip was getting to spend some time with some of Ariel's Ecuadorian friends that he made when he lived in Guatemala.

I loved the people, the flowers (there were so many beautiful flowers everywhere!) and the culture (so much art, museums, history, etc.). I would love to go back someday.

Museum prank

2011-03-07T11:51:00.002-05:00

I love this type of thing!

Camp

2011-03-07T11:50:00.000-05:00

This weekend is the Campamento de Jóvenes. Ariel is the director and he had a hard time finding people to help him with the camp this year so, I offered to do half of the teaching so that he wouldn't have to carry all of that load alone. I have avoided that type of teaching and working at camp for several years, so it's felt strange in many ways.

I didn't really realize how exhausting it is to teaching in this context. There are almost 40 campers and they aren't my students. I taught last night and felt completely exhausted when it was over. The other side of that exhaustion is that I as teaching from the Bible and that always makes me feel very introspective. It's a strange feeling.

It's been strange because I've realized that I don't know how to get to know some of the campers. I feel very disconnected and don't know how to connect. I cannot think of what to talk about them, I cannot remember how to do it... how to just find something to talk about with people that I have very little in common with. It's been hard for me! I feel more timid because I'm afraid of really having nothing to talk about.

This week 750words had a problem with its server and it didn't save my words. I have to say that was super disappointed when it didn't save my words even though I had forced myself to write them. It made me feel very discouraged.

March Challenges

2011-03-01T22:25:00.000-05:00

Today is the first day of March and the first day of a lot of things for me. I have decided to join two challenges this month. The Fitblogger Challenge and the March Writing Challenge at 750words. I saw that Bonnie posted about the Fitblogger challenge and I am excited to join in order to complement another health related challenge I've joined at school.

I like the idea because it is described like this on the site, "the challenges are not a competition with others, but with ourselves, to strive for something we maybe didn’t think we could do, and challenge our own definition of ourselves... The challenge can take whatever form of goal you’d like fitness, nutritional, it’s entirely up to you and what your personal goals are."

You can pledge minutes, miles, consistency (like 5 days a week).
For this challenge, no weight related goals please. That might be a bonus for a more active lifestyle but we’re focusing on health. You might want to work in a nutrition goal, like drink 8 glasses of water a day, eat 5 fruits and veggies, etc.

March goals:

My goals are focused on having more healthy eating habits and mostly more healthy physical activity levels. The great thing about combining this activity with bogging is that I can feel accountable with other goals that I have.

My goal is to get 20-30 minutes of physical activity (swimming, jump rope, etc.) five times a week. I think that is a very reasonable goal and it is my main goal.
I think that on a nutritional level I want to focus on drinking more water and eating more veggies, specifically make sure that I get some type of fruit or vegetable every day.

I have signed up to write in the monthly writing challenge with 750 words and in order to avoid ending up on the wall of shame, I have to write at least 750 words every day. This is a great motivation to write and I use part of my 750 words to write my entry for my blog post about my participation in the March Fitblogger Challenge (this is all working together quite well, eh?) and then, to add to that, I want to focus on writing daily on Contrapunto (our Spanish blog) and this is another way to really help me do that. This is going to be fun and I'm looking forward to it.

love wins?

2011-02-28T19:48:00.000-05:00

So, in the past few days I've been reading a lot about this new book that Rob Bell is going to publish called "Love Wins" and it's interesting because a lot of people are very upset that its message is going to be completely universalist. The truth is that it may be and yet, at the same time what he has to say in the video that is a type of preview for the book rings true in a certain way. I will be curious to read the book and see what he really has to say. I'm not convinced one way or another.

LOVE WINS. from Rob Bell on Vimeo.

The fact is that in the past couple of weeks I have been thinking about censorship and it's implications for politics and religion. Then, this week, I've found myself considering two possible examples of both. The issue of political sensorship is one that I'm thinking about because of the situation with a Spanish reporter that got deported today from Panama and the only reason that I can think of for them to do that is to try to get him to be quiet. They have been trying to get rid of him for ages because they are afraid of the way that he makes people think.

Then, there's the issue of Rob Bell and the reaction that makes it seem like possibly what he has to say is so bad that you shouldn't read it because something bad might happen to you or the people around you. I would like to read it for myself and see what he has to say. I always feel nervous whe people want to stop people from talking. It is true that ideas have implications and for that very reason I don't think that anyone should be given the freedom to arbitarily stop someone from sharing their ideas.

attack on freedom of expression

2011-02-28T14:49:00.001-05:00

Panama is going through some strange times. For the past couple of weeks there have been some pretty heavy protests about mountain top mining being approved in some of the indigenous regions of the country. There are a lot of people quite upset about the decision and a lot of people have shown their concern.

This past weekend a journalist and Human Rights worker, Paco Gomez Nadal, was arrested at one of these protests and today he was deported to Spain. It is amazing, this government has had it in for him ever since they came into power. He is the kind of person who was not afraid to be critical of the government and by doing so he earned their disfavor and ultimately they've deported him. This is a bad sign. The government is afraid of criticism and the freedom of press is in serious danger.

It's sad and it's going to be very interesting to see what happens in Panama in the next few months.

Worry

2011-02-27T22:33:00.000-05:00

One thing that is interesting about being a teacher is how your work follows you everywhere you go. You go home and you still have to plan or grade work. You leave after a hard day and you cannot help but think about your students from time to time. I went out with Ariel this weekend and saw one of my students who was out with his family. It is just interesting because it is good, there is something very good about being involved in the lives of other people in such a way that you do not leave them and yet, there is something good about being able to disconnect from you work and just relax and be yourself. I want to be better at doing that. I spend too much time worrying about things. That is something I want to focus on.

I've been thinking about this worry and anxiety that keeps me up at night. I think it has something to do with not being able to say "no" very well. I need to say "no" to some of my thoughts and I need to say "no" to some people in my life who have some very specific expectations for me. I'm sure that it would be easier if I could just say no and not be so worried about what these other people were thinking. I guess I need to have some dignity, that is what I need to make sure of. I'm often too afraid of offending people. It's something I need to work on. I shouldn't be laying awake at night, it's not healthy.

feeling strange on Sunday

2011-02-27T19:20:00.000-05:00

I'm sitting here listening to a Josh Ritter concert procrastinating from my lesson planning.

I've had another strange Sunday. Sometimes I wonder if there will ever come a time in my life that I will not feel strange on Sunday. Sometimes, I miss the days that I could sincerely sing with the Church Chimpunks "Sunday school, Sunday school how I love Sunday school, yes, I do!"

Oh well.

750words

2011-02-05T10:02:00.000-05:00

Saturday morning. Listening to Morning Edition on NPR and doing some morning journaling from bed...looking forward to listening to This American Life. This past week my friend Amy sent me a link to a web site called 750Words. The founder of the program writes about the site saying this:

I've long been inspired by an idea I first learned about in The Artist's Way called morning pages. Morning pages are three pages of writing done every day, typically encouraged to be in "long hand", typically done in the morning, that can be about anything and everything that comes into your head. It's about getting it all out of your head, and is not supposed to be edited or censored in any way. The idea is that if you can get in the habit of writing three pages a day, that it will help clear your mind and get the ideas flowing for the rest of the day.(...)

I've used the exercise as a great way to think out loud without having to worry about half-formed ideas, random tangents, private stuff, and all the other things in our heads that we often filter out before ever voicing them or writing about them. It's a daily brain dump. Over time, I've found that it's also very helpful as a tool to get thoughts going that have become stuck, or to help get to the bottom of a rotten mood.

So, he developed the site to inspire writing 750 words every day. It uses a motivational point system to encourage you to write every day. You get badges for writing days in a row, for writing without getting distracted, etc. It is also private so, it lets me get back to just writing because I enjoy it not worrying that people might end up reading it. It's interesting because getting out some of the mixed up ideas that I've had has made it easier for me to want to come back to my blog again to chat with y'all about life.

The other thing that has helped is that I've finally received my dad's old computer. My computer died a while back and since I couldn't afford to get a new one my computer time was a bit more limited. Since I've received my dad's I have a bit more comfort using it to write. The other thing is that we went back to school after Christmas break and then had to get back into the routine of school. I've also been trying to make some major decisions about what I'm going to do next year (work related) and I've spent a lot of time thinking about that. Now, I think I've made a decision and I think that I'm back. I hope that is true.

Dear midnight...

2011-01-23T01:03:00.000-05:00

For some reason it is 12:39am and I cannot fall asleep. My mind has been racing all day with all sorts of happy thoughts. Here are some of the reasons:

Today was a lovely sunny, breezy summer Saturday.
Real snail mail from a dear friend.
Ariel and I decided to stay home all day and relax.
Ariel and I went for a couple walks outside.
A nap (that's probably the main reason I cannot sleep).
I'm well rested after a refreshing month off of work.
I'm excited to be back at school.
I got my weekly planning done for work.
I'm thinking about ways to help Ariel with one of his major projects.
I'm happy.

Ok, I'm going to try to sleep now. Goodnight.

2010-12-04T23:01:00.002-05:00

Self-discipline

2010-12-04T21:03:00.000-05:00

Today I've been thinking a lot about the different types of discipline that I would like to have in my life and how I often fail to hold to my goals in practical ways. I might be better today than I was a few years ago but, I'm afraid that I have a long way to go before I will be the self-disciplined person that I would like to be.

It's December!

2010-12-03T23:21:00.000-05:00

It has been a rainy December so far. Aside from the mud in the driveway, I LOVE IT. The rain is fantastic. Especially because every day there is a little break when we see the sun and then it starts to rain again. Everything is nice and cool, chilly almost. So nice for snuggling and drinking tea. It's December!

I think I'm more excited about my birthday this year because I get to spend it with Ariel. I'm also looking forward to Christmas...

Priorities and limits

2010-11-13T07:19:00.001-05:00

En estos días he estado aprendiendo una lección en cuanto a prioridades y limites. Es injusto pedirme a mi misma que trabaje a tiempo completo (y a veces el trabajo requiere más que las propias horas laborales para estar preparada) y después escribir miles de palabras en las pocas horas que me sobran para leer, hacer ejercicio, cocinar y disfrutar de estar con Ariel. Algunas cosas, creo, que tienen su momento y debo ser realista para no volverme loca.

I gave up on NaNoWriMo because I'm trying to do too many things at the same time (it's kind of like giving up training for a race, it's not that you're not going to exercise any more, it's just that you've adjusted your goals to your reality.) I'm trying to write every day and with our blog, Global Voices, the Literary Workshops and preparing for school... it's a bit much to try to do any more writing if I also want to read, get some exercise, and enjoy some other things.

Ariel is still at it...we're having fun, even though I feel a bit disappointed with myself.

Writing and friendship

2010-11-11T21:42:00.000-05:00

I've had lots of ideas in the past week of things that I wanted to write on my blog. Ariel and I have been doing a lot of writing recently and it feels great!! Slowly (or quickly, depending on how you look at it) we're doing things we've been looking forward to doing for a long time. We became writers for Global Voices and the official blog for the Literary Workshops that we're a part of in one week!! That was pretty exciting.

This week I got to spend some time with Janice and that was really great as well. It's been a while since we'd spent any time together and it was good because I was reminded that I have a girl-friend here in Panama that knows me well, that's always an important thing to have and really, in spite of the distance and time, we haven't really grown apart, I think that we've grown closer in our way of seeing the world, which makes it all that much better!

The other day I discovered a really interesting theology blog and he was talking about John 15.12-15:

My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends. You are my friends if you do what I command. I no longer call you servants, because a servant does not know his master’s business. Instead, I have called you friends, for everything that I learned from my Father I have made known to you.

In his article he was reflecting on the fact that Jesus talked more about being friends than being family. Which might be an important thing to keep in mind since, often we treat our friends better than we treat our family. We choose our friends and even if we feel super comfortable with them, we don't take them for granted the way that we do with our families sometimes. I thought it was a very interesting thought and it made me feel very happy that Ariel and I are friends first and then we get to be family after that!

broken dreams...um, computers

2010-11-04T08:46:00.001-04:00

This morning I woke up from a really bad dream, rolled over and must have gotten out of the wrong side of the bed because I started to think about how my computer (that started beeping S.O.S. the week after I got married) is officially ruined. The motherboard apparently is shot. It wasn't exactlly the best timing, the first week of school, newly married -now, I've lost my music, my photos, and my skype camera.

We took it into the Mac repair shop and they told us that if it was the memory that was wrong it would be easy and inexpensive to fix, but if it was the motherboard it would probably have to be replaced. That was when they asked about the warranty. The original warranty was expired and my most generous brother had given an extended warranty but, that was when we realized that I had NOT activated it correctly at the time. Needless to say, I feel very, very foolish. There is no way I will be able to purchase a new computer and it is too expensive to fix. If I had activated the warranty, I would have a new computer now, not a broken one.

Alas, then I started thinking about not having Skype and realized that I haven't spoken on Skype with anyone since I came to Panama. I have a new baby nephew (hurray!) but, I don't know when I'll get to see him since I'm so far away and unreachable by Skype at the moment. Anyway, I'm done lamenting. I think I might feel better now. I hope everyone has a nice day.

November 3: Separation from Colombia

2010-11-03T10:47:00.000-04:00

Little kids in a parade...

Today is a national holiday and the begining of my longest break since the begining of school. I have to say that I'm tired and it is much needed.

Today Panama celebrates it's separation from Columbia November 3, 1903. I've had to teach and re-teach the story to my students in the past couple of days so, I'm becoming re-acquainted with my country's history. For some reason I need to be around these things for it to stick in my memory. Teaching it is great because I've been reminded of some of the little details of how it all played out.

Ariel is leading a youth activity right now so, I'm doing a little bit of cleaning and will do a bit of writing (my novel, hehe) and hopefully some reading. It's so nice to have some time to rest, I feel very thankful right now.

Here we are...

2010-11-02T10:26:00.002-04:00

...in love.

just another Sunday

2010-10-31T21:21:00.000-04:00

Last week felt like a very long week. School seemed to just drag on and on. I'm very happy for November and our all of the days off we get for Flag Day, Independence from Spain, Separation from Colombia, etc. etc. I need a different pace to get excited about work again. I also have a book or two that I'm working on that I really just want to get into and enjoy for a longer un-interrupted period of time--oh! and I'm going to participate in NaNoWriMo and try to write a novel on a month... crazy, but it should be fun.

The past few days it has been raining like crazy but, that means that it's nice and not too hot outside. Yesterday, we went to our literary workshop and it was great. It's fun because one of my friends from my childhood is also going to the workshop. I like that. Yesterday it was funny because Ariel and I had a conversation in the morning that turned out to be part of what the speaker was going to talk about...we feel like we have our own pre-workshop before the official workshop.

I'm busy with teaching but, Ariel and I are also enjoying looking for opportunities to continue writing more, so that it will be more of a habit and potentially something that one of us could do more formally sometime.

Enjoying it in the midst of it

2010-10-24T22:45:00.000-04:00

This was a hard week for me at school. One of my co-workers was gone because her father passed away so, I had to try to help the substitute (who was amazing, by the way) and then, there was a situation with a family that I had to help with and it took so much emotional energy that I couldn't sleep. I was so worried about the situation that I was awake almost all night long. The next day, I was exhausted. By Saturday, I was very tired.

Even so, Ariel and I got up early and headed to our Literary Workshops. We had both done our homework. We wrote a character sketch and came up with a "challenge" for our character. We enjoyed the workshop, even though there was this one participant who couldn't stop talking. That was a really fun time. When it was done we headed back across town. On days like that we both wish that we lived closer to the center of the city.

Today is our 3 month-aversery so, yesterday we went and ate at a favorite restaurant to celebrate. After eating we headed home. I was exhausted and fell asleep. It felt like such a waste of a beautiful day but, sometimes you just have to do what you have to do. We went to the grocery store to pick up a couple things we needed for dinner. Then we ate pancakes and I tried to get some work done for school this next week. Planning is like a second full time job. This is our last full week before we start to have days off left and right in November.

I was thinking a few days ago about how this is one of those seasons that even though I'm tired a lot, I feel like I'm enjoying it while I'm in the midst of it. Sometimes, it seems that I only realize how fun or special a season of my life was when it was all over.

this is the way things go

2010-10-18T21:40:00.000-04:00

So, I set a goal of writing something every day in the month of October. That's a tough goal. Tonight, I don't have anything that I feel like writing about. It's rainy season. The middle of the rainy season. It rains every day but, I like it. The weather is nice and cool. Humid but not hot. It makes cuddling at night super nice and getting up in the morning super hard.

I started reading a novel to my 9th graders and the amazing thing is that I think I've got them hooked. I have a problem with not having enough books for my students to read on their own but, this is great. They get excited when I'm about to read. They clear their desks and lean in. It's fantastic. I hope that somehow this gets them a bit more excited about reading in the future.

I have a problem at school with having too much planned and not being able to get through all of the stuff I'd planned. It's good to have enough planned... I hope that the things we are doing are helpful and that the students are actually learning something.

Anyway, I think I've met the minimum requirement of words written. I'm doing great, I'm just not inspired to write at the moment.

Talleres Literarios

2010-10-15T20:00:00.001-04:00

If you spend very much time with Ariel or with me you'll find out that we love to read and write. Ever since I graduated from college I've had a lot of "I wish I had studied English" thoughts because there were so many literature and writing classes that I would have loved to take. No, I don't regret what I studied, it was perfect for me at the time but, ever since then I've been a sponge for literature and writing. Ariel and I both hope for formal opportunities to study in order to improve our skills and open up opportunities to teach and share our love for words and ideas.

So, when we got the news about the Talleres Literarios en Panama, we were ecstatic. We had heard about these Literary Workshops over a year ago and were waiting anxiously for more information, when a couple weeks ago we finally got news that they were accepting applications for the Talleres Literarios en Panamá. These are going to be a year of weekend classes taught by Panamanian, Latin American, and Spanish professors and writers.They will do a survey of Spanish-American literature and provide writing workshop in poetry and prose. It's fantastic.

It's being sponsored by the Spanish Agency for International Cooperation and Development. This sponsorship makes the program very formal. Three Panamanian universities and the National Institute for Culture are also involved, all these institutions make it a potentially fantastic place to grow and learn about other opportunities. One of the goals of the Spanish partners in the program is to present the participants with opportunities to study in Spain and hopefully remain involved in promoting literature and writing after the program is over (that is something that interests Ariel and me very, very much).

Something that makes it even better is that the coursework follows the literature content that I'm supposed to be teaching to my 9th graders. This makes it a perfect way for me to be better prepared as I teach my students. I'm really excited about starting this tomorrow afternoon!

teacher joy

2010-10-14T08:41:00.000-04:00

I just had a moment that made me feel happy. I started reading a book to my students this week and I just heard two of my students talking about the story in the hall....

familiar faces

2010-10-14T08:39:00.000-04:00

Yesterday, I was sitting in our Wednesday afternoon meeting when the person facilitating the meeting put on a short video to try to illustrate a point about "worldview". I was watching the video when suddenly a familiar face showed up on the screen. It was Os Guinness.

I don’t know if you’ve ever had that feeling of being somewhere new where you don’t know anyone and suddenly, you see someone you know. It is such a delightful feeling. You might to believe this but, my eyes filled up with tears as if I had just been joined by a dear friend in a strange place.

I looked around the room and wondered why I felt that way and I thought about the fact that I’ve shared more meals with Os than I have with any of my co-workers. I’ve had more challenging conversations with Os than with any of my co-workers. It seems so odd and yet so natural, to feel a missing pang for someone like Os Guinness.

It made me feel a bit nostalgic but, mostly thankful. The truth is that last night I was thinking about the fact that even though I eventually I might miss the intellectual part of Washington a bit, I really feel much more useful here in Panama. It’s nice to be surrounded by people like that but, it feels much more useful to be in a place where teaching people to think is needed.

study club

2010-10-12T19:29:00.000-04:00

Today, I started something new. I am an official “Study Club” teacher on Tuesday’s after school. The fact is that it is a great way to earn a little extra money. I was thinking about the fact that I like teaching, I love students but, I don’t just stick around for an extra hour or two for fun.

You really do have to pay people to do that kind of thing; it’s not something that is really born out of the kindness of your heart –as much as you may love it. Arriving home two hours later than usual once a week will be worth it in the long run. Plus, it’s only once a week when Ariel has to teach a class anyway, that means that he isn’t done with that until I’ll be getting home anyway, so it actually works out really well.

I hope that it turns out to be a good choice and helpful in the long run for my students and for Ariel and me.

day of rest

2010-10-10T20:32:00.001-04:00

Today was the first Sunday in weeks that I’ve been able to rest. The fact is that we’ve had so much going on between moving in, fixing the car, and preparing for school (among other things), that I haven’t had much time to really rest and just relax. It was a good day for that very reason.

After church we went to Ariel’s parents’ house for lunch, came home and took a nice long nap, in the afternoon I got to do some reading and just “being” without trying to complete any necessary task. The only thing we need to do before we go to bed is write up our weekly “menu” and grocery shopping list. Not bad since it’s still early in the evening.

I am looking forward to, hopefully, a good beginning to the second quarter. My expectation is that I will do a better job of teaching my students and organizing my time so that when I’m home I can enjoy being home with Ariel.

teacher in-service

2010-10-08T22:50:00.000-04:00

Today, we had teacher in-service at school and I think that it killed my inspiration. I wanted to write on our other blog Contrapunto but, I just don't have any inspiration right now.

The fact is that aside from getting grades out, I really got quite a bit of planning done for the next quarter. That makes me feel great. I LOVE planning and I'm a big fan of being organized. I hope that this quarter I can keep things much more organized and do a better job of teaching my students.

The first quarter report cards will be sent out tonight and I'm kind of dreading hearing from parents who feel like their student should have gotten a much higher grade. The good thing is that for most of my students their Spanish grade is NOT their lowest grade. That means that the parents who get worked up about stuff will probably worry about those lower grades first. I feel like a bad person wishing mean parents on other teachers, but it's true... I kind of do hope that they don't get mad at me first.

I'm excited about this next term but, to be honest I really wish that we had more books in Spanish. That would be one of my wishes, I guess any teacher that teaches reading would wish that but, considering the socio-economic status of our school, we have a very pitiful Spanish book selection.

Well, this became just a random rant so I'm going to stop for now.

happy!

2010-10-08T16:12:00.000-04:00

something every day

2010-10-05T20:39:00.001-04:00

So, last week Ariel and I were talking and I said something like, "We should try to write something everyday in October." We both thought it sounded like a great challenge and so, here I am writing. Ariel and I write a blog together called Contrapunto so, if I haven't written on here every day it's because I've written over there.

The fact is that writing every day can be hard. Just like teaching every day. This past week and a half I haven't wanted to go to school. I'm kind of in that mid-semester slump when you hit that "I don't like being a teacher anymore" stage. It's ok, I'm sure I'll recover once we get past exams and all that jazz. But, it's been kind of a bummer at school because I haven't wanted to be there. I'm more bummed about classes and assignments than the students are. I really don't want to assign any more writing because they write the most BORING stuff I've ever read. I'm just kidding about not assigning any more writing... but, sometimes being a teacher can be tiring and I'm tired right now.

The good thing about all of this is that is that it makes me that much more excited about coming home at the end of the day (even if I have to continue grading and doing a bit of work at home). I'm glad that I'm home right now forcing myself to write, just like I will force myself to go to school in the morning.

the license saga

2010-10-01T21:29:00.000-04:00

So, I'm trying to get my oficial Panamanian driver's license and you would think that I'd be able to do it quickly since it's just a matter of transfering my US license to Panama. But, you're wrong and so was I. The funny thing is that I haven't even been able to get my papers in.

First, I had to take my license to the US Embassy to get it authenticated by the Consul. That was one day. Then, I had to take it (and when I say I, Ariel did this) to the Ministry of Foreign Relations to get the Consul's signature authenticated. That took a couple days because the office of authentications is not at the main building of Foreign Relations (something that we didn't know at first). Anyway, after we got all of that figured out... we had to make sure I got a lab test to prove my blood type since it isn't marked on my driver's license.

I went to this random lab and had that done. Perfect. Now I should have everything I need, right? Right. Well, this week I went three times to hand in my paperwork at the DTT, the Panamanian DMV. The first time I found it (I hadn't been there before) and then when I was standing in line I realized that I had left my blood type paper. So, I walked out before even going up to the counter. The second time, I realized that I had left the blood type paper before leaving home, so I was going to go and turned around before I even got to the DTT.

On the way home, I was stopped for the first time since I started driving in Panama at a checkpoint by a police officer who was looking for foreigners (they like doing that in that part of town, but that's another story). Thankfully, I have a Panamanian ID and he didn't ask me why I hadn't gotten my local license yet... it was another reminder, however, that I should try to get that paper work done.

Yesterday, I finally made it with all of my paperwork. I stood in line and as I was waiting I picked up one of the informational brochures. I was reading it when I saw the asterisk next to the point about getting your blood type tested. It said, "You must do this at qualified laboratories approved by the DTT." My heart started beating when I realized that maybe this wasn't going to be the time I'd get to hand in my papers. I waited until got to the counter and the laidy looked at my documents and checked the clinic that I did my lab work in her database and said, "That's not an approved clinic." So, my heart was beating quickly out of frustration and I walked out wondering why it has to be so complicated to be grown up and do paperwork.

Anyway, the saga continues but hopefully I can get that done so that I can spend my time on other things...

Are you ok?

2010-10-01T21:12:00.000-04:00

So, today I was driving back from work and my car overheated again. It's the second time that this happens while I've been alone. It's the second time that I've had some people come over to help. The truth is that there are scary people all over the world but, there are also a lot of people who are just willing to help if you need it. I'm not saying that being a young woman doesn't help my odds on both sides (the good and the bad) but, my car overheating has done something good to redeem my view of the human race. Both times, I've had some helpful man or two stop to help me out. Both times they were men who were either on their way to work or were at work.

Today, I had to pull over to let my car cool down on what is equivalent to a freeway in the States. People drive by at high speeds and it's kind of precarious. It just so happened that I had just driven by some workers who were fixing something on the road and I hadn't been out of the car for a minute when one of them came over to ask me what had happened to my car. I told him that the car had overheated and he immediately asked one of his co-workers to go get a bucket of water (which I wouldn't have been able to do on that free-wayish road) because my little bottle of water wasn't going to be enough to cool down my car.

The fact is that the amount of steam that came out of my car was impresive, I just hope that it didn't cause any permanent damage. I'm wondering if I have some sort of leak because it seems like the coolant is just dripping out too quickly. Anyway, that's not the point. The point is that the three workers stayed with me untill we'd gotten the temperature down, they gave me their advice, and I was back on the road. It didn't overheat again on the rest of the commute home.

I think that even though my car situation is a bit of a concern, the positive thing is that there are a lot of kind strangers out there willing to help you out if you're in a tight spot without asking you for anything. That's the bright side of this whole thing, I was in need of some positive interactions with strangers.

"the rest of your day is in Spanish"

2010-09-30T12:46:00.001-04:00

A couple days ago I was leaving work and one of my favorite co-workers stopped and said, "So...the rest of your day is in Spanish." I thought this was funny since I am the Spanish teacher here... the fact is that almost all of my day is in Spanish. It's been interesting to be the Spanish teacher here. The fact is that teaching turns you into a pretty good student. I hope my students are also learning.

The school has a pretty tight nit community. The fact is that most of the people that work here have some other type of connection to each other or the school (they have a child who is a student or they go to the Church where the school is located). This makes it much harder to enter into the community. I also am a teacher who goes in and out of classrooms so, I'm not quite as close to any particular group of students or to a team of teachers. My Spanish team is kind of random. To be honest, sometimes I feel like I am the department psychologist. I do a lot of listening to other people's complaints.

Anyway, I have decided that I want to do some more writing. I'm going to try to write something everyday in the month of October either on this blog or on the Contrapunto blog in Spanish. I think that the only way to get into the habit of writing more is forcing yourself to do it.

two months!

2010-09-24T10:54:00.000-04:00

Today is our second month-aversary... and it's a Friday! Yay!! When I look back on the past couple of months SO much has happened it seems almost unbelievable that it's only been two months. We've moved three times, I started a new job, got a new car, had the car break down, fixed the car, etc. etc. (The car is working well now!)

School is going well. This week I've been feeling kind of guilty as a teacher. My students didn't do super well on a quiz but, as they were taking it and not doing well, I realized that it was probably my fault that they weren't doing well. I hadn't explained the material as well as I should have. Anyway, that's how it goes. I am going to do better and better as a teacher.

I'm sorry for the absence of pictures (my computer isn't doing well either... ah life!!), I'll do my best to get some here soon.

I love the rain.

2010-09-20T12:27:00.001-04:00

So, last week was a bit crazy because our car wasn't working properly. The radiator was overheating. At one point, we were driving on the highway in pouring rain and the car decided to overheat so, we had to pull over to the side of the road and wait in the rain as cars and trucks drove by us. It was pretty crazy.

You know? I love the rain here in Panama. The truth is that it's felt almost chilly in the evenings for the past week or so. There's been a lot of rain and when you have a car, it's really nice. It's the kind of rain that falls so hard that you can't see in front of you. I love it when I'm at home and can snuggle in bed but...when you have to ride the bus here it's absolutely awful. Most of the buses here have no air conditioning so, when it starts to rain the windows go up and the bus gets all steamy, hot, and smelly. You can imagine...

This past weekend we didn't get to go see STOMP (it had sold out), so we went to eat some good food at the end of the Causway. First we drank coffee (Ariel had coffee, I had tea) and read a while. Then we went to eat lunch (the restaurant we were going to go to was closed because of the Jewish holiday.) The location was beautiful, there was a fantastic breeze and we sat where there was a view of the city and the canal. (We could have asked for a bit more regarding the food but, it's ok.) Otherwise... it was just gorgeous. It's nice to spend some time just enjoying being together in a lovely place.

That reminds me --this past weekend was a Jewish holiday and in Panama, half of the businesses close down for the weekend when it's a Jewish holiday. It's crazy but, it's so interesting as well. Ariel and I counted businesses, at least half of the shops and stores at the mall were closed. Panama also closes down on Muslim holidays and Christian holidays. Panama is such an interesting place.

the kitchen counter

2010-09-12T09:04:00.000-04:00

Well, our kitchen isn't done yet. We have a kitchen counter but, we don't have a sink. So, we use the pila in the back to do the dishes and get water. It's kind of an inconvenient arrangement but, we've made it work for the past couple of weeks. I'll be doing a LOT more cooking once we have the kitchen all fixed up again. I miss cooking.

Our car --we've named him Sucio-- has been having a bit of a fever for the past three or four days. The doctor has been trying to fix him up but, it seems that once we fix one thing something else comes up. If he doesn't have a fever he has the hiccups, etc. Hopefully he will get fixed up soon. I'm afraid that I might have to take public transportation to work on Monday...

I'm still waiting to get our dresser and bookshelf It'll be an exciting day once we have them... you know how much I like to be organized.

rain on a Sunday afternoon

2010-09-05T16:19:00.000-04:00

It's a rainy Sunday. It's kind of nice to be able to start the day by getting up and jumping into the pool. After we got to church, it started to rain, and rain, and rain. I love this type of rain, real rain as I used to call it. It makes you want to go to bed and sleep. The past week we've had some fantastic weather. It's actually been kind of chilly at night. So much so that Ariel and I had to get out an extra light blanket to sleep with. It was glorious!

Anyway, we're feeling a bit more organized. As most of you know the two things that take up most of my space are books and the kitchen which means that my life is still a bit unsettled because we have to find another bookshelf (or two) and we're waiting for our kitchen countertop and sink to be relpaced. Which is pretty inconvenient for someone like me who enjoys cooking!

Every day things are more organized and that makes me feel pretty happy, at work and at home. I don't have anything to complain about really... life is good and I feel like taking a nap.

2010-08-28T17:12:00.001-04:00

“Smile, breath, and go slowly.”

One month...

2010-08-28T16:33:00.001-04:00

As of last Tuesday, I've been married for a month. It has been a busy, exhausting month but, when I think about all of the things thay we've done this month I think that getting married and living in Panama are two wonderful choices I've made in life.

Let me see, in the month of August I started teaching Spanish to 4th, 5th, 7th and 9th graders at an international school here in Panama city (less than two weeks after getting married). I've partially moved twice this month and this week will move (hopefully for the last time) into a more permanent house. It should be a great place to live. I've also purchased a car and started driving in Panama city.

If you've never been to Panama you will not be able to grasp the significance of some of those acomplishments. Driving in Panama city is one of the scariest things I've ever tried to do, I have to admit that I feel quite proud of myself for even being willing to try. It also opens up the possibility to do a lot of things that are just impractical without a car. We even discovered a fantastic coffee shop relatively close to my work, a great place to meet up, chat and read a book.

I've started teaching and that is a responsibility that I love. I am thrilled to be a teacher. This week something very exciting happened. The International Book Fair of Panama. Ariel and I were in heaven there. The greatest thing that we discovered was a new literary non-ficcion journal that is starting up. It is called El Guayacan. I'm super excited to see something like that happening here in Panama. I want to figure out how to be a part of something like that.

I am excited about what is happening in Panama culturally and I'm excited to maybe get to be a part of it!

This is going to be great...

2010-07-31T17:03:00.000-04:00

I'm not sure how many people make decisions on the basis of what will make the "better story" later but, I often find myself in that place. Sometimes, I choose the more simple path that will make a boring story and I like it. Sometimes, I go the more complicated way that will make the best story, I've done a lot of things in my life for that reason.

Right now, I think that Ariel and I are living the situation that will make "the best story" even though if I had to choose I'd pick the more boring option of having everything figured out. I mean, it's not like moving to a different country, looking for a car, getting married, and starting a new job aren't significant enough changes to go through all at once. We've just been lucky enough to have the "settling in our new place" part definitively un-settled as well.

I think that this would be one of those times that it would be SO nice if one of those parts of our life would just fall into place but, for the sake of the writers in us, we have some really great material for a novel. The starting at the bottom type of a story where for the first few weeks of marriage you have "picknics" because you don't have a table and chairs and you will probably end up moving again in 3 weeks anyway.

All that being said, the good part is that we are so glad to be together, in the same place... it makes the uncomfortable part more bearable.

Married!

2010-07-31T16:46:00.000-04:00

I have been married for one week, today. It is wonderful to get to be in the same space as Ariel, to get to make our meals together, to talk, to read, and just be in the same physical space. It is something both of us have longed for and it is so good to finally be together.

All of the preparations before the wedding were a bit exhausting (to say the least) but, the wedding was just as I imagined it. I had told Ariel that I imagined a wedding that started three days before,with friends meeting each other for the first time, just being together... it was amazing to have so many people from so many different parts of my life all together in the same place.

The wedding day was also what I wanted. As far as I know, nothing major went wrong. There were things that we had talked about doing that we didn't do but, the most important things were in place and the ceremony was simple and meaningful, just as we hoped it would be. It was so good to be able to stand there, looking at Ariel, smiling, and then be able to glance over and see so many people who've walked part of the journey with me at some point in my life. It was beautiful.

We had great food and a good time just hanging out with everyone who came during the reception. It felt just like it ought to, celebrating our love, and sharing it with the people who've loved and supported us along the way. It was perfect.

a new chapter begins

2010-07-08T19:52:00.001-04:00

Yesterday, I traveled from Washington, DC to Panama City. It was an uneventful trip. I caught my flight on time (I wasn't charged for my two checked bags), made the connection in Miami, and arrived to a lovely afternoon in Panama. Given the 103º in DC, Panama was cool in comparison.

I feel happy and right now, I am just enjoying being back in Panama with Ariel. It was just good to be able to look at each other and be able to be in the same physical space. It's a strange and beautiful thing to be in love. Today, we started the process to get our marriage license. The woman who attended us was so excited about us, it was fun. I think both of us are so thrilled that we will be married so soon.

the fourth

2010-07-06T09:04:00.000-04:00

I'm so happy that I got to spend the 4th of July in DC this year. It was my first time to spend it here in Washington. It makes for a fitting last weekend. That culminating in fireworks kind of last weekend. I think that I feel just the way I should right now, deeply thankful for the opportunities, experiences, and friendships that I've made here and utterly thrilled at moving back to Panama.

I've shed a couple tears at some goodbyes. I wish with all my heart that it was easier to just come and go, to be able to see loved ones with all the ease of calling up and saying "Hey! Let's get together!" Nevertheless, I am confident that this place and these people will be in my life long after I have left and possibly moved multiple times. It has been meaningful and worthy of a grand fireworks display.

telling stories

2010-07-02T21:25:00.000-04:00

Today, my brothers and I headed over to the American Art Gallery and saw the new Norman Rockwell exhibit. The exhibit is called, Telling Stories: Norman Rockwell from the Collections of George Lucas and Steven Spielberg.

I love Norman Rockwell probably just as much as the next person. His paintings are warm and personal. You feel like you could and would like to know most of the people in his paintings. He gives you a sense that things are well or that they will turn out well.

It was interesting to look at the collections from the perspective of George Lucas and Steven Spielberg since they are such successful film directors. The emphasized that one of the things that they love about Norman Rockwell's paintings that he tells a story in one frame. He captures details, emotions, and even action in a single picture.

I love that idea and as I think about storytelling and wanting to be a better storyteller myself, there is a lot to learn from the idea of storytelling being like taking or painting a picture. The writing of the story requires adding all of those details, the emotions, the movements, and the colors that make you feel like you know those characters or you have been in that place.

I'd love to be as good of a storyteller as Norman Rockwell.

hello storytime!

2010-07-02T10:12:00.001-04:00

I am about to leave Washington, DC to embark on a new chapter of life. I'm going to get married and will be learning to live life together with Ariel. It's not surprising that I'm feeling introspective and re-visiting my sometimes neglected blog.

I have a feeling that I'll be writing a bit more frequently for a while. I'll have so many exciting new things to write about! Getting married, living in Panama, starting a new teaching job, making new friends... I'm sure the list will be endless.

To make things even better, I'm marrying my best writing companion. We have always enjoyed writing together so, this space and others will probably be kept up with more diligence since it's something that we both enjoy and want to do with our time. This will probably make my mom very happy, since recently I have not been very consistent in telling the stories of things happening in my life.

Needless to say, if you read my blog... welcome back. =)

in Spanish, please?

2010-06-24T09:40:00.000-04:00

Maestro: No, ¿como se dice "Star Wars" en español?
Estudiante: ¡Ah! Se dice, "E-star Wars"

91st minute

2010-06-24T09:38:00.001-04:00

Goal!!

I've only watched two games this world cup. Both of them have been with the USA in them. I have to admit that I kind of like feeling like part of the minority in the US that enjoys soccer. I think that they could do well. There are some good soccer players here...

el mundial

2010-06-12T20:35:00.001-04:00

Hoy en la tardé fuí a ver el partido entre EEUU e Inglatera en unas pantallas grandes con un grupo sorprendentemente grande de personas fantaticas del futbol. La verdad es que no entiendo a las personas que son muy groseras y abusivas por un juego. Yo me puedo emocionar con un gol o un gol aproximado pero, no me parece tan importante como para gritarle groserías a cada persona. Creo que tendré que ver el resto de los juegos desde mi casa...

Estoy en mi casa ahora mismo esperando... Llevo más de un par de horas sola aquí en la casa. Me deja pensativa porque tengo cosas que debería estar haciendo ahora mismo pero, la verdad es que no tengo ganas de nada. Es raro como puede hacerte sentir una casa silenciosa y solitaria.

I vote for...

2010-05-27T21:21:00.000-04:00

Today, as I was taking the kids downstairs to dismissal we walked by a sign that the youth program had put up for a t-shirt design competition they were having and the sign said something like "Vote or Dye" (my second graders couldn't understand the pun) so, first they were kind of freaking out about that.

Then, one of my students called out, "I vote for Miss Hannah" and another chimed in, "Me too, I vote for Miss Hannah" and I looked at them curiously and said, "Why would you vote for me?" and they replied with a shrug, "I don't know...it said vote or die." And I thought I was going to get some great compliment. Nevertheless, I kind of liked being "voted for" even if it was to spare them from death.

friends far away

2010-05-24T21:41:00.000-04:00

I got to talk to lovely Liana tonight! I'm so happy.

sad and happy

2010-05-23T21:35:00.000-04:00

Spending a great day with my brother made me realize just how lonely I've been in the past few months. I have missed just having someone to be a friend and do random stuff like go drink tea, read, talk, wait around, etc. I have a mixture of sad and happy tears right now.

rejection

2010-05-23T07:56:00.000-04:00

Almost 5 hours waiting to get my car inspected. Fail.

brother in town

2010-05-19T20:14:00.000-04:00

Andrew made it safely to DC tonight!

saturday hike

2010-05-18T21:53:00.002-04:00

highlight

2010-05-18T21:33:00.001-04:00

A highlight of this month was when I got to go see Josh Ritter in concert. If you have ever seen him play live you know what a great experience it is. You get this feeling when you see him play that you'd really like to be his friend. You want him to be your new best friend. He seems to LOVE what he does and he plays with so much energy and is so happy to be up front singing his well crafted song-stories to everyone. I love it. After going to a Josh Ritter concert I always wish that I could have dinner with Ritter and his friends to get to enjoy some interesting conversation and more great music.

weekend

2010-05-16T21:10:00.000-04:00

This weekend was LOVELY. I was exhausted at the end of Friday but, I still went to an Engagement party, a Photography event, and a Cheesecake tasting all in one night! It was the busiest Friday that I've had in a while. I went on a hike on Saturday. It was the first hike I'd been on in a long time. Then, Sunday was spent with some friends tasting some delicious food. I ended it all going to Church, then coming home to mentally prepare for a couple days of lead teaching. The truth is that life is beautiful...

excuses, excuses

2010-05-16T20:37:00.001-04:00

I could come up with hundreds of excuses for why I haven't written very much recently. I have so many things going on, I'm getting married, it's the end of the school year, I'm moving back to Panama, it's spring time in DC, etc. etc. etc. but, to be honest, all of that is bogus. The truth is I have MORE to write about than I have in a long time and I've just felt overwhelmed by it all and haven't come around here to let my feelings out on the screen.

I know I have no obligation to anyone else to write but, I do disappoint myself when I don't write. What a strange thing. So, I'm going to start by talking about my weekend. I have a theory about "catching up" with friends or anyone, you really have to start by asking what they did that day or that week before you can go back however many months or years you're behind. So, I'm going to do that...in the next post.

Communité

2010-05-05T22:43:00.002-04:00

The word "community" is derived from the Old French communité which is derived from the Latin communitas (cum, "with/together" + munus, "gift"), a broad term for fellowship or organized society.

Once again I am plagued with the fear that I have failed to live up to these things which I claim to believe. Principally, that "community" is something deeply, deeply important. I know I believe this but, I am afraid that I feel at a loss as to what my place ought to be in community.

I'm thinking that I like the origin of the word because I think that community really is a gift. A gift that ought not be taken without deep gratitude. Nevertheless, I still wonder. Am I living generously and gratefully towards and for my community? Or am I holding back?

I wonder sometimes how deep the community bonds are. I'm afraid of not being missed because somehow I didn't live grateful for what I was given. It is so selfish to want to be missed so, perhaps that ought to be the lesson I learn.

However, I do wonder if I have given what I could and if I have invited people into welcoming hospitality as often as I should. I'm afraid of failing to be a good friend. I think that is one of my biggest fears.

paradox

2010-02-28T09:01:00.003-05:00

Paradox 1 (2005) by Robert Pepperell, Oil on panel, 46cm x 60cm

The paradox of wanting to be a writer is that you have to be intensely interested in the world around you and also be comfortable spending hours and hours alone.

the fun part is now

2010-02-22T21:21:00.002-05:00

I just started reading this book called The Happiness Project and even though some people might find it kind of formulaic, I love it. It fits my lists and checklists kind of personality. Or maybe I think that some great advice seems SO old fashioned that we overlook it. I love that kind of thing. So, I might mention a few of the things I enjoyed from my reading in the next few blog posts.

"If I can enjoy the present, I don't need to count on the happiness that is (or isn't) waiting for me in the future. The fun part doesn't come later, now is the fun part."

That advice fits with one of my current major goals in life, which is to enjoy the moment that I'm in. I have some big exciting changes coming up and I don't want to short-change the present because of my excitement for the future. It is hard to remember sometimes that the "fun part is now" even though I'm sure I'll look back on these days with fondness.

we are dust

2010-02-18T17:57:00.000-05:00

"As a father shows compassion to his children,
so the LORD shows compassion to those who fear him.
For he knows our frame;
he remembers that we are dust."
Psalm 103:13-14

"...our Sunday liturgy changes as well during this time. We...refrain from saying “hallelujah.” This last practice, sometimes referred to as “burying the hallelujah,” brings a sense of loss and expectancy to our worship, both shifting our focus toward the suffering and death of our Lord Jesus Christ and enhancing our anticipation of His resurrection. It’s absence is palpable, and creates in us a longing that will be fulfilled when again we proclaim this word of heavenly praise together on Easter morning. And this reminds us that Lent is ultimately a way of seeking, through repentance and preparation, that the Lord would restore unto us the joy of His salvation (Psalm 51:12)." Church of the Advent

thoughts on ash wednesday

2010-02-17T18:35:00.005-05:00

"Yet even now," declares the LORD,
"return to me with all your heart,
with fasting, with weeping, and with mourning;
and rend your hearts and not your garments."
Return to the LORD your God,
for he is gracious and merciful,
slow to anger, and abounding in steadfast love;
and he relents over disaster.”
Joel 2:12-13

Today is Ash Wednesday. In the liturgical tradition it is the beginning of the season of Lent. I was just reminded by a friend on the Christian journey that

“Lent is an ancient Christian tradition that began as a way for Christians to join with new converts as they prepared to be baptized at Easter. It was a time for new converts / baptismal candidates to reflect on their need for Christ and walk in repentance, and the larger community of Christians would join them in this. To help in this, Christians have historically embraced some sort of fast – as a way of tangibly pulling one’s life (heart, thoughts, habits) into the way of self-denial and repentance. These are not simply initiation rites, but are essential daily practices in a life lived with God.”

I chose not to go to the Ash Wednesday service tonight because I wanted to make sure that I actually took the time to reflect on the meaning of this season and where I should examine my own heart. Why do people think of it as just a time to fast from something? Is that what it’s really about? I don’t think that it’s about fasting but, about seeking to give ourselves over to knowing God in a more intentional way. God is not any more available during this time than He is at any other time of the year. We are the ones that need markers in our lives, on our calendars to remind us that we have a lot more to receive that we’ve been aware of.

I wonder how I can seek to know God more and see what He is doing around me so that I can join with him. I think that anything that allows me to love others well is important, which means I need to rest more and reflect more. Remembering that I need rest but that healing happens within community. Christ is found in the body of Christ. If I want to know Him more, I need to learn to enter into community as well. I need to “fast” from those things that lead me to fatigue instead of enthusiasm for loving and participating in relationship with others.

some bonhoeffer

2010-02-16T17:32:00.004-05:00

Thank you Megan, this is perfect.

"Nothing can make up for the absence of someone who we love, and it would be wrong to find a substitute; we must simply hold out and see it through. That sounds very hard at first, but at the same time it is a great consolation, for the gap, as long it remains unfilled, preserves the bonds between us. It is nonsense to say that God fills the gap; God does not fill it, but on the contrary, God keeps it empty and so helps us keep alive our former communion with each other, even at the cost of pain ... The dearer and richer our memories, the more difficult the separation. But beauties of the past are borne, not as a thorn in the flesh, but as a previous gift in themselves. We must take care not to wallow in our memories or to hand ourselves over to them, just as we don’t gaze all the time at a valuable present, but only at special times, and apart from the keep it simply as a hidden treasure that is ours for certain. In this way the past gives us lasting joy and strength."

Dietrich Bonheoffer

happy (lunar) new year!

2010-02-16T17:20:00.005-05:00

I forgot to say "happy year of the tiger" to everyone on Sunday. I've been enjoying the "lunar new year" stamps these days as I've been loving the snow break to write cards to my friends. I think this is going to be the best year of the tiger ever.

That being said, we went back to school today after our snow storm break. We were thinking of all the snow related compound words like "snowman", "snowball", "snowflake"... I also had to respond to the principle's question about individual's intent to return next year.

To be honest, I teared up as I was writing it. I am going to miss it there. I have had a very good experience and feel like I've learned a lot. The people have been so incredible and I'm so thankful for such a wonderful team of people. I know I'm not leaving yet but, I want to make the most of it.

Not that I'm completely sad. The truth is that I'm mostly happy because in addition to having to say goodbye to lots of wonderful things in my life, this year is also going to be filled with new and wonderful things (like getting married) and hopefully experiencing and learning in another school setting.

what type are you?

2010-02-15T15:35:00.002-05:00

I just took this witty test called "What type are you?" It turns out that my type is Archer Hairline "a modern typeface with a straightforward appearance with tiny outbreaks of elegance and tiny dots of emotion". Maybe there's something to it!

This week I've been thinking about "outbreaks of emotion" and have found myself faced with my humanity and my inability to communicate well the complexity of my feelings. I can be irritable and inconsiderate in ways that make me feel ashamed and yet, I admit that these are certainly areas where I've seen improvement which is at least a little bit comforting.

Snow! Snow! Snow!

2010-02-11T18:53:00.000-05:00

So, if you didn't know about it already I have been in DC this past week with school canceled due to an overwhelming blizzard like snow storm. I've actually enjoyed it, I feel like I'm living something historical! I was also trying to recover from a pretty bad cold so, being forced to stay in was helpful.

The best part about being caught in the biggest snowstorm in the recent history of Washington, DC is that it has allowed (or forced) me to rest and reevaluate my life in a really good way. I have had time to set goals for the next few months and think about what I'll need to do to meet those goals. I've been working on pick up some important habits that I've let go of. I think that integrating important habits that allow me to read more, write more, and be more active will give me an overall sense of health that is important.

Apprentice: learner, prentice, works for an expert to learn a trade

2010-01-27T21:12:00.002-05:00

I have a lot of things rushing through my head right now. I’m tired. Being a teacher is hard. Being an apprentice is not as hard but, it’s still hard. I am being convinced, more and more, without a doubt teaching makes a difference. Teaching is probably one of the jobs that make the biggest difference in people’s lives. It may also be one of the most difficult jobs out there.

My education was so random and varied I don’t think I realized until the past couple of years that teaching is what I have been wanting to do all this time. I have wanted to be involved in helping develop stronger communities and giving people the opportunity and reasons to dream and create. All of that is hopelessly idealistic and I intend to stick to it. What it looks like in reality is much less lovely and much more incredible. The obstacles are bigger than you could imagine and the rewards are much more subtle --students learning that they like to eat vegetables, parents getting their students to the doctor, and other non-“standard based” accomplishments.

I have been working with such dedicated and excellent teachers. I admire them so much. I feel so honored and inspired working with them. Our students are actually reaching their “grade level” standards. I am exhausted but, I intend to learn all that I can so that I will also one day be as good of a teacher as the ones I’m working with right now. Their unwavering dedication to children and their learning is incredible, patience, so much patience, work, so much work, and commitment. It’s fantastic. It’s hard.

I left work feeling so disappointed. How are we supposed to teach children whose parents are caught up in their own emotional messes? If they are not nurturing their children and giving them safe homes with relationships that are secure? Some of our children are so distracted by their relational poverty that they have a very, very hard time learning. It’s difficult, but it’s still so important what we do, in spite of all the odds being against them and us, they are STILL learning. It’s hard but, it’s unbelievably rewarding.

hello

2010-01-23T15:56:00.002-05:00

Hello. I'm alive. I'm thinking. I will come by soon to hang out.

Solace in Friendship

2010-01-13T17:43:00.003-05:00

I just finished reading this memoir, Truth & Beauty by Ann Patchett. On the back of the book it reads: "Truth & Beauty is Patchett's tribute to Lucy Grealy, at once a grief-haunted eulogy and a larger meditation on the solace and limitations of friendship." The questions in the book about love and friendship are so very intense.

I've been thinking about it quite a bit, especially because I have several students who are in the second grade and I can see them as they struggle feeling like they are not loved. Even though there are broken relationships in their homes the girls still have the idea that getting married will solve all their problems and that only in that way they will live happily ever after.

It's fascinating to think of "the solace and limitations of friendship". When I look at my own life I am profoundly grateful for the friendships in my life, particularly the girls who have been my friends, and I think that I have so much solace in those relationships. Many of those friendships have been rich and delightful. On the other hand, the theme of many friendships has often included questions like "will I ever be loved?" or "will I ever get married?".

I've often thought about how strange the question of being loved is in the context of a friendship. The question of "will I ever be loved?" doesn't mean the same thing as "am I loved by anyone?". That strange craving to have ONE person love you beyond and above everyone else is a different desire than having a friend love you. I've been lucky to have friendships that are deep, comforting, transparent, and unbounded. Having friends can be so satisfying but, for some reason, friendships don't seem to satisfy in THAT way. It's kind of hard to realize that as a friend you are only partially satisfying. It's strange.

Real friendships are gifts and I'm still thinking about the limitations of friendships in light of how lovely they are, I'm still thinking about it.

Fear & Courage

2010-01-12T18:14:00.004-05:00

There is no way I could have possibly talked about this a month or so ago but, I was mugged/attacked on my street in November and it has changed me in significant ways, some that I'm not yet clear on how to articulate.

Tonight, I re-told the story to Tommy and I have to say that telling what happened has a weird effect on me. My heart starts beating very quickly, my mind gets a little blurry as what happened rushes through my mind. I've tried to be willing to talk about it --people tell me that it will help me keep it in perspective-- and I'm thankful that I don't dream about it anymore but, it was scary. It was one of the scariest things that has ever happened to me.

The thing that is hard is that it happened so close to where I live. At night, my neighborhood that I love during the day, becomes the exact location of my scariest memory. My heart beats quickly, I become nervous and glance over my shoulder fearfully at the people around me. Footsteps are a source of anxiety and anyone wearing a hood that partially covers their face scares me.

I don't know entirely how it has changed me but, I know that it has definitely caused me to act differently and even approach my friends differently. I ask for help not because I want to but because I need to because if I don't I'll be paralyzed by fear. I'm regaining a bit of confidence but, I am not the same person that I was and that might be a good thing. In the mean time, I realize how much I need people and maybe the fact that I'm growing more willing to let people know that I need them is also a good thing. There is a type of courage required to let people know that you need them.

Resurrection

2010-01-11T20:21:00.005-05:00

I live my life very intensely. I have always known this but sometimes it is made more clear to me than others. One thing that I've learned about myself in the past year is that there is a type of darkness to living life so intensely.

What I mean is that I am usually either dead or alive. I feel like I die and am resurrected on a regular basis. I live life with a shadow hanging over me or at least it is near me most of the time. Most of the time, I ignore it and live enjoying all the absolutely wonderful things about life.

Sometimes, however, the shadow is able to swallow me and I die. Really. I die. I am not alive during that time. I am dead, intensely dead. Then, something miraculous happens and I am resurrected. It is like the sign of the greater resurrection, it will happen one day and last forever. I look forward to that shadow being cast away forever.

I was just thinking about this because this week I feel alive, intensely alive and it's good. Sometimes I let myself dread the shadow but, mostly I love that I get to live.

Soneto

2010-01-03T09:02:00.000-05:00

Si para recobrar lo recobrado
debí perder primero lo perdido,
si para conseguir lo conseguido
tuve que soportar lo soportado,

si para estar ahora enamorado
fue menester haber estado herido,
tengo por bien sufrido lo sufrido,
tengo por bien llorado lo llorado.

Porque después de todo he comprobado
que no se goza bien de lo gozado
sino después de haberlo padecido.

Porque después de todo he comprendido
que lo que el árbol tiene de florido
vive de lo que tiene sepultado.

-Francisco Luis Bernárdez

I need to spend more time alone...

2009-11-11T19:23:00.005-05:00

I’ve always loved how Henri talks about Solitude and Community. In some ways it is because I am someone who needs a lot of it but also because I think that most people need more of it. I have always felt encouraged and challenged by the way Henri talks about Prayer and Spirituality in general.

Recently, I’ve been feeling the questions that he raises at the beginning of “Clowning in Rome”. “It is in the midst of this dark world that we are invited to live and radiate hope. Is it possible? …How can we live in home so as to give hope? And how do we find true joy?”

I think that I’ve often allowed myself be depleted of creative and loving energy by trying to be always present to other people and always thinking that I ought to be able to nurture or meet other people’s needs.

Henri talks about how that type of thinking is dangerous and that we should think of our “fellow human beings not as partners who satisfy our deepest needs, but as brothers and sisters with whom we are called to give visibility to God’s all-embracing love.” When we take the time to be alone we realize that community is less something we make than something we receive.

Henri writes, “Whenever we pray alone, study, read, write, or simply spend quiet time away from the places where we interact with each other directly, we are potentially opened for a deeper intimacy with each other. It is a fallacy to think that we grow closer to each other only when we talk, play, or work together… in solitude our intimacy with each other is deepened… If we base our life together on our physical proximity, on our ability to spend time together, speak with each other, eat together, and worship together, life quickly starts fluctuating according to moods, personal attractiveness and mutual compatibility, and thus becomes very demanding and tiring…gentleness, peacefulness, and the inner freedom to move closer to each other, or to withdraw from each other, are nurtured in solitude.”

He talks about how we find our identity in solitude and it allows us to reach out to others because it calls us to deeper love. It isn’t that we become hermits but, that we have space to recognize that other people can never completely fulfill us. He talks about solitude with others and I like that idea: “Silence and solitude do not attract us when we are busy and preoccupied. Thus we have to structure some short periods of time when we can be alone, together. Being alone with God for yourself is a very different experience from being alone with God as part of your life together.” I think that is a beautiful idea and I want to continue thinking about it for a while.

Henri and I

2009-11-11T09:41:00.003-05:00

Yesterday, I walked out of work and went down to the Potter’s House to get a book that I wanted to share with a friend. (It is always dangerous for me to walk into bookstores.) I got the book I was looking for… and two others.

One of them was “Clowning in Rome” by Henri Nouwen. I had heard about years ago but I had never read and it seemed so fitting to my current state of internal restlessness that I bought it. I went out from the bookstore down to Tryst (a very hip spot in Adam’s Morgan, DC) and spent several hours reading and writing. I started reading “Clowning in Rome” and felt like Nouwen (as usual) knew me and was speaking directly to my current circumstances. This has happened before.

I remember when I worked all summer in the mountains of Colorado and was feeling broken and lonely. I went down to Denver one weekend and walked into a bookstore where I saw the book “The Wounded Healer” and bought it without knowing what it was about. It was exactly what I needed to hear at that moment. Needless to say, I don’t know if everyone gets Nouwen the way I do, but I love how I feel understood by him.

I never learned to count my blessings

2009-11-08T13:00:00.005-05:00

Last night, I went to see Ray LaMontagne play and sing in Philadelphia. I heard someone describe his music as "Appalachian dust-folk" which is a pretty accurate description. I like the "dust" part, his voice is so husky and his music is so interesting. The best part of most of his songs is that they have such intricate and lovely words. In many ways, I identify strongly with some of the anxiety that he sings about. In one of his songs "Empty" he sings,

She lifts her skirt up to her knees, walks through the garden rows with her bare feet, laughing. I never learned to count my blessings, I choose instead to dwell in my disasters. I walk on down the hill, through grass, grown tall and brown and still its hard somehow to let go of my pain.

It makes me think about how often I choose to "dwell in my disasters" instead of counting my blessings. It's just that it's so hard sometimes. Last night was one of those times when I found myself dwelling in my disasters. Actually, the past couple of weeks I've been there, forgetting to count my blessings. Feeling "so empty, so estranged" and wondering if I am always going to feel this way. It's crazy how lonely it is possible to feel even when we are surrounded by people, sometimes because we are surrounded by people.

He sang his song "You Are The Best Thing" that is on his new album Gossip in the Grain and I was happily surprised. I had told one of my friends that I didn't like the version that was on the album but, I had an idea that it was going to be very good live and IT WAS. He talked about how he changed it for the recording and he likes it better the way that he had recorded it originally. It was totally better that way. His music and his voice are fantastic, his commentary throughout the concert was kind of bland and unnecessary. I would have preferred if he would have just sung and left the rest to silence. Otherwise, it was a good concert, I'm glad I got to be there.

2009-11-05T21:45:00.002-05:00

I'm falling asleep as I write this but, I must write.

Today was a normal day at work. I like how busy I am all day because I don't have time to be bored, sleepy, sad, or anything like that. My day started out when I caught one little girl giving another one a love note (seriously) to another girl (she was going to deliver the note). They are unbelievable.

The day continued most uneventfully until I had to deal with the incident with the coat (there were tears involved) and the issue during Gardening Class (which involved me taking someone back to the classroom and having them write an apology note). After all my work as a disciplinarian I got to teach Writer's Workshop and that was a lot of fun. One of my students told me afterward, "Miss Hannah, I enjoyed writer's workshop today!" That was so good to hear, because I feel nervous when I give the lesson.

I have realized that I need more time for quite reflection and writing in my life. I'm going to have to say "no" to more and have less social interaction.

Being good...

2009-11-04T17:29:00.003-05:00

Today was a half-day at school. I often do a lot of testing and paperwork on half-days. We had a student get in trouble for switching numbers on the 100 chart today. He was warned several times to pay attention but he didn't and then he switched the 66 and the 99 on the chart. It's so unlike him, he's a really good kid most of the time. Then, he was flicking people with his fingers as they were going back to their tables. I had to take him to first grade to allow him to re-focus then I had to talk to him seriously and he almost started to cry. He told me that he had two important cards in his bag and I let him go get them, they were apology notes from his behavior earlier in the week. I hope he pulls it together because I like him when he's being good.

2009-11-03T21:13:00.003-05:00

Today is a full moon, I'm not sure how that has contributed to my mood today but --all in all-- I've had a good day. Today the School Review Board came to "review" our school. That is how the school continues to have recognition as a school, getting funding and all that type of stuff. We had someone in our classroom observing in the morning and then I was invited with a group of 10 other teachers to participate in an "interview" with the people who were reviewing our school. I felt flattered to have been chosen. I'm not sure why they picked me but, it was a good experience.

I also taught my second writing lesson today. I was nervous because it was with the more difficult class to manage. I enjoyed teaching the lesson and I hope that the students got it and were into the writing. I'm excited about them seeing writing as something that they can and want to do. I think that it's so much fun to write. I stayed late at school today. I was thinking about how school is such a refuge for me. I like how it keeps me completely busy and occupied.

I left and got a phone call from a good friend in Vancouver and I was so happy to talk with her, it has been a long time. There are a lot of people that I haven't talked to in a long time. I think that it gets harder to stay in touch with people as time goes on, in part because there are more people to keep in touch with and in some ways, it's harder for me because I'm doing better at being completely present to the people around me. Which is good even if it makes it harder to stay in touch with people.

Not long after I got off work a good friend from Idaho arrived in DC and I went to meet him and took him to my friends place where he was going to crash on their couch for the rest of the week. It was so good to see him. He's another friend that I hadn't seen in 2 years! It's amazing how quickly time flies. I'm excited to go back to Idaho at Thanksgiving but, there will still be a lot of people that I'm not going to get to see when I go back. It's kind of sad in some ways that such wonderful people cannot continue to be active and present in your life after you're gone.

I'm just trying to write, this was totally stream of consciousness, I'm not trying to do anything special, just getting into the writing habit again. I like it. That's it for tonight.

"I was just imagining that I was the abominable snowman.."

2009-11-02T22:09:00.005-05:00

So, after I taught my lesson on "realistic fiction" --I think I failed to communicate the "realistic" part well-- one of my students had a little incident where he got caught trying to bite another student's arm. (That sounds worse than it was.) The moment he got caught and was sent to the teacher's table to do his work he burst into tears. He was quite upset that he had gotten in trouble.

I had to walk him downstairs to dismissal and asked him what had happened. In his raspy little boy voice he said, "I-I-I didn't mean to bite her. I-I was just, I was... I was just imagining... I was just imagining that I was the abominable snowman." I looked at him trying to remain serious without busting out in laughter, "So, that was why you were going to bite her arm?" "I was just imagining I was the abominable snowman!!" he continued to tell me as if that made all the best sense in the world. I had to tell him very seriously how we are not allowed to bite people, even if we're imagining that we are the abominable snowman.

Oh my, it was funny. His "realistic" fiction story is going to be fantastic (literally).

2009-11-02T21:24:00.003-05:00

Today, I taught my first writing lesson at school. I was so nervous! At the same time, I was super excited. I am so excited about watching the students learn to see themselves as writers. I made a couple mistakes during the lesson but, I think that as I teach I'll do a better job and the students will do better as well. I'm still nervous but very excited. I've been thinking about the fact that I have so many interesting stories to tell from working at my school and I've also been thinking about how much I am in need of writing to process my internal messiness. So, once again, I'm resolving to write more.

The last writing unit that the students were working on was all about "small moments" it is that idea of writing about a moment that was significant in some way and describing everything, absolutely everything about it. How it felt, looked, smelled, sounded, etc. I loved that writing unit and have been inspired to take up writing again, as a student, not as someone who thinks that they can write but, someone who needs to write to be sane and is still learning how to do it well. It is a freeing thought and I think I'm going to try to do more writing.

2009-11-01T21:49:00.002-05:00

I have a problem. Recently, I get a sense of anxiety when I'm at Church. I don't enjoy it so, I don't feel like going to Church anymore. I don't know why exactly, but I've been thinking about it and I wonder if it has something to do with my craving for quality one-on-one time with people and conversations about transcendent types of things. Recently, the conversations after Church usually end up being a rapid pace of fast "how was your week?" superficial conversations which I get tired of really fast.

The other problem is that recently, Church is one of the only spaces where I pull out my notebook and get to be alone with my thoughts yet surrounded by a lot of people. I love that! But, I feel guilty when I realize that my mind is wandering and I'm not paying attention. I just wish that I had a friend or two who enjoyed being alone "together". You know? Pulling out a journal or book with a friend, maybe surrounded by people, maybe in a quieter space... and let thoughts grow and become something. Maybe after a couple of hours or a couple of days a conversation will be born and it will be meaningful. I miss that.

I want to live where the sun comes out...

2009-10-19T21:37:00.005-04:00

I love that I have that little "blog without obligation" reminder on my blog. This really is an outlet for me. I realize that I don't feel like blogging that much when stuff is going interestingly or well in my life. I feel more like blogging when I feel kind of lonely.

I guess that's sort of pathetic but, I think it makes sense. When I have good friends around to be with and talk to, I don't need this other useful form of processing my thoughts or emotions. Even if I don't just bare my soul on here, sometimes the vagueness of it is helpful, even this is helpful. Even if no-one reads this, it is helpful. Maybe I'll hang around here more for a while.

I wanna live life and never be cruel.
I wanna live life and be good to you.

And I wanna fly and never come down.
And live my life and have friends around.

We never change, do we?
We never learn, do we?

So, I wanna live in a wooden house.

I wanna live life and always be true.
I wanna live life and be good to you.

And I wanna fly and never come down.
And live my life and have friends around.

We never change, do we?
We never learn, do we?

So I wanna live in a wooden house,
where making more friends would be easy.

Oh, and I don't have a soul to save.
Yes, and I sin every single day.

We never change, do we?
We never learn, do we?

So I wanna live in a wooden house,
Where making more friends would be easy.
I wanna live where the sun comes out ...

-Coldplay