Apprentice: learner, prentice, works for an expert to learn a trade

I have a lot of things rushing through my head right now. I’m tired. Being a teacher is hard. Being an apprentice is not as hard but, it’s still hard. I am being convinced, more and more, without a doubt teaching makes a difference. Teaching is probably one of the jobs that make the biggest difference in people’s lives. It may also be one of the most difficult jobs out there.

My education was so random and varied I don’t think I realized until the past couple of years that teaching is what I have been wanting to do all this time. I have wanted to be involved in helping develop stronger communities and giving people the opportunity and reasons to dream and create. All of that is hopelessly idealistic and I intend to stick to it. What it looks like in reality is much less lovely and much more incredible. The obstacles are bigger than you could imagine and the rewards are much more subtle --students learning that they like to eat vegetables, parents getting their students to the doctor, and other non-“standard based” accomplishments.

I have been working with such dedicated and excellent teachers. I admire them so much. I feel so honored and inspired working with them. Our students are actually reaching their “grade level” standards. I am exhausted but, I intend to learn all that I can so that I will also one day be as good of a teacher as the ones I’m working with right now. Their unwavering dedication to children and their learning is incredible, patience, so much patience, work, so much work, and commitment. It’s fantastic. It’s hard.

I left work feeling so disappointed. How are we supposed to teach children whose parents are caught up in their own emotional messes? If they are not nurturing their children and giving them safe homes with relationships that are secure? Some of our children are so distracted by their relational poverty that they have a very, very hard time learning. It’s difficult, but it’s still so important what we do, in spite of all the odds being against them and us, they are STILL learning. It’s hard but, it’s unbelievably rewarding.

hello

Hello. I'm alive. I'm thinking. I will come by soon to hang out.

Solace in Friendship

I just finished reading this memoir, Truth & Beauty by Ann Patchett. On the back of the book it reads: "Truth & Beauty is Patchett's tribute to Lucy Grealy, at once a grief-haunted eulogy and a larger meditation on the solace and limitations of friendship." The questions in the book about love and friendship are so very intense.

I've been thinking about it quite a bit, especially because I have several students who are in the second grade and I can see them as they struggle feeling like they are not loved. Even though there are broken relationships in their homes the girls still have the idea that getting married will solve all their problems and that only in that way they will live happily ever after.

It's fascinating to think of "the solace and limitations of friendship". When I look at my own life I am profoundly grateful for the friendships in my life, particularly the girls who have been my friends, and I think that I have so much solace in those relationships. Many of those friendships have been rich and delightful. On the other hand, the theme of many friendships has often included questions like "will I ever be loved?" or "will I ever get married?".

I've often thought about how strange the question of being loved is in the context of a friendship. The question of "will I ever be loved?" doesn't mean the same thing as "am I loved by anyone?". That strange craving to have ONE person love you beyond and above everyone else is a different desire than having a friend love you. I've been lucky to have friendships that are deep, comforting, transparent, and unbounded. Having friends can be so satisfying but, for some reason, friendships don't seem to satisfy in THAT way. It's kind of hard to realize that as a friend you are only partially satisfying. It's strange.

Real friendships are gifts and I'm still thinking about the limitations of friendships in light of how lovely they are, I'm still thinking about it.

Fear & Courage

There is no way I could have possibly talked about this a month or so ago but, I was mugged/attacked on my street in November and it has changed me in significant ways, some that I'm not yet clear on how to articulate.

Tonight, I re-told the story to Tommy and I have to say that telling what happened has a weird effect on me. My heart starts beating very quickly, my mind gets a little blurry as what happened rushes through my mind. I've tried to be willing to talk about it --people tell me that it will help me keep it in perspective-- and I'm thankful that I don't dream about it anymore but, it was scary. It was one of the scariest things that has ever happened to me.

The thing that is hard is that it happened so close to where I live. At night, my neighborhood that I love during the day, becomes the exact location of my scariest memory. My heart beats quickly, I become nervous and glance over my shoulder fearfully at the people around me. Footsteps are a source of anxiety and anyone wearing a hood that partially covers their face scares me.

I don't know entirely how it has changed me but, I know that it has definitely caused me to act differently and even approach my friends differently. I ask for help not because I want to but because I need to because if I don't I'll be paralyzed by fear. I'm regaining a bit of confidence but, I am not the same person that I was and that might be a good thing. In the mean time, I realize how much I need people and maybe the fact that I'm growing more willing to let people know that I need them is also a good thing. There is a type of courage required to let people know that you need them.

Resurrection

I live my life very intensely. I have always known this but sometimes it is made more clear to me than others. One thing that I've learned about myself in the past year is that there is a type of darkness to living life so intensely.

What I mean is that I am usually either dead or alive. I feel like I die and am resurrected on a regular basis. I live life with a shadow hanging over me or at least it is near me most of the time. Most of the time, I ignore it and live enjoying all the absolutely wonderful things about life.

Sometimes, however, the shadow is able to swallow me and I die. Really. I die. I am not alive during that time. I am dead, intensely dead. Then, something miraculous happens and I am resurrected. It is like the sign of the greater resurrection, it will happen one day and last forever. I look forward to that shadow being cast away forever.

I was just thinking about this because this week I feel alive, intensely alive and it's good. Sometimes I let myself dread the shadow but, mostly I love that I get to live.

Soneto

Si para recobrar lo recobrado
debí perder primero lo perdido,
si para conseguir lo conseguido
tuve que soportar lo soportado,

si para estar ahora enamorado
fue menester haber estado herido,
tengo por bien sufrido lo sufrido,
tengo por bien llorado lo llorado.

Porque después de todo he comprobado
que no se goza bien de lo gozado
sino después de haberlo padecido.

Porque después de todo he comprendido
que lo que el árbol tiene de florido
vive de lo que tiene sepultado.

-Francisco Luis Bernárdez