is it fair to pray this?

If it's not right for me, don't give it to me. If you give it to me, I'll take it.

Feelin' good

I've always kind of had a thing for book lists. The truth is that sometimes I feel good about life or slightly depressed depending on how many books I have been able to mark off of my "to read" list. This is probably a ridiculous but, it's just the way I am...

Anyway, in a couple days, I'm going to be headed to Central America for a couple of weeks. As most of you know, I love Central America and traveling is one of my favorite things to do. It is also a complicated time for Central America, it will be interesting to be traveling during the next couple of weeks.

I am going to do my best to take a picture a day and post at least a couple times while I'm there.

what to do? what to do?

How much of life is filled with moments like one that I'm in? Crossroads. There are several ways I could go, they all seem so good in their own way. Which one is the right one? How am I supposed to know?

One thing that is comforting right now is that I'm doing well, I'm feeling alright. Uncertainty is hard but, I also thrive on challenges, new experiences, adventures. I love that part of life.

Every year I realize that I've become better at responding to unexpected challenges, keeping my strong emotions in check, loving the questions, and taking risks... it is still hard, don't get me wrong, but I have gotten much, much better.

I feel like I love life more now than ever... I love the little things and get excited just as much or more than ever. Anyway... today was a good day, almost my last day of work.

morning ramblings

I was thinking yesterday about how hard it is for me to keep things I'm excited about to myself. If I don't want to talk about it I have to avoid people, otherwise, if they ask me "how I'm doing" I'm going to end up telling them. Gah! Woe to being transparent.

The other day, I was feeling very confused and worried so, instead of going to be with people I walked around the city for hours and went to the bookstore. It was exactly what I needed to do.

I'm still reading Till We Have Faces and it is fantastic. Summer has finally arrived (in a way) to DC and it has been very hot. Even so, the evenings cool down wonderfully... and the mornings are glorious.

The tensions continue in Honduras and the international community has been pressuring for the return of Zelaya. It's all kind of scary.

why do I seem to say the wrong thing?

Some days it feels like I only say all the wrong things. On those days, I realize that I'm the most in need of grace, of people's patience and forgiveness.

In some ways, I'm ready for today to be over so that I can start all over again tomorrow.

honey bee

Don't you hate it when you feel a little sad? I feel a little sad tonight.

so much on my mind

They say that if you have a lot on your mind to write you should just start writing it and then your ideas will come together. I hope that happens. Last night I was talking to one of my aunts and I realized that she reads my blog! I didn't know. I wonder how many other people read my blog and I have no idea that they read it!

There is a lot on my mind, like the unrest in Honduras and the beautiful weather in DC this summer. I've been reading Till We Have Faces and more than anything experiencing the odd sensation of being "in between". I will be going on a two week trip through Central America in less than two weeks. I know that as soon as I get back my life is going to be a whirlwind of activity no matter what ends up happening to me next. I am literally experiencing the calm before the storm.

I realized this week how much I am like a bird. I can make myself at home, sing, and delight in a place but, without too much difficulty, my heart can turn and open itself up to a new adventure and a new place. I have come a long way, I promise, I believe very, very much in investing in people and in staying places. I think "staying" is a big part of changing places. But, I also believe that I am not going to fix or ruin a place and if I have opportunities to live and be alive in other places, I don't have to pass them up.

This week I've spent more time alone than I have since the first two weeks of January. I like having time alone. It makes my time with people that much more wonderful. Other things I've been thinking about a lot recently are the words of Jesus "Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? " and Solomon "For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven". Sea lo que sea, por algo será.

beauty

What more, you may ask, do we want? … We do not want merely to see beauty, though, God knows, even that is bounty enough. We want something else which can hardly be put into words—to be united with the beauty we see, to pass into it, to receive it into ourselves, to bathe in it, to become part of it.
—C.S. Lewis, "The Weight of Glory"

Music + Brazil = Love. Love. Love.

Recently, I have fallen in love with Brazilian music.

what is good

I just wanted to say that what is good about living with others is that sometimes it is not as easy as living alone. It can be so much more convenient to live alone. Seriously. At the same time, what is good about living with others is that it is better than living alone. Living with others gives you many more reasons to celebrate, especially when you are able to work through the not easy parts, the result is something worth celebrating.

it's the principle of the thing

The president of Costa Rica, Oscar Arias, is going to act as the mediator between the Honduran leaders Manuel Zelaya and Roberto Micheletti. Hopefully, this will help find a solution to the crisis!

This morning, I listened to an interview with Ruben Blades where he gave his thoughts about what makes the situation in Honduras unusual. It is complicated for several reasons. One of those reasons is that there ought to be a legal way to remove an abusive leader but, apparently Honduras didn't have an impeachment process in its constitution, so they improvised their own way.

The very reason that there are different branches of government (executive, legislative, and judicial) is that they might be able to keep each other in check. I think that is what the legislative and judicial branches were trying to do in Honduras. The executive branch was getting out of control. Unfortunately, in the process of trying to keep the president from breaking the law, they broke the law. That kind of invalidates their actions. What a mess!

[Update: “America supports now the restoration of the democratically elected president of Honduras, even though he has strongly opposed American policies.” President Obama

Secretary of State Clinton did not actually say that America supports the restoration of Zelaya. She said that America is waiting to see what happens during the conversations with Arias.]

Can I just say that there are some really hard things going on in China right now as well, what a messed up world we live in.

what makes it worthwhile?

Last night some of my friends help put together a fantastic BBQ dinner at a local homeless shelter. It was a lot of work but, I think the guys at the shelter really appreciated it and were thankful.

Afterwards, one of my friends felt the let down that you get after you do something good for people who may or may not ever escape the trap of drugs, alcohol, and poverty. She wondered if there had been any real interactions and if just "hanging out" in that setting does any good at all. In some ways, I wish that mere acts of kindness would help people out of poverty but, unfortunately it doesn't work that way. That does not make the acts of kindness any less significant.

Even so, I think that the question, "What is the good of this?" is worth asking. I mean, seriously. If our intention was to help these guys, we probably didn't do much more than give them a really delicious meal. But, maybe that is enough. We don't have to fix their situation. Maybe our willingness to be present is good enough.

Isn't that [almost] all we want anyway? As I listened to my friend's discouragement --I realized that I felt the same way a week or so ago after we had a big party at our house. We had a good time, we shared good food, and had good people over but, afterwards, I felt a similar let down. I wondered what the good of that type of interaction is, I felt like all my conversations had been short and superficial, so, ok --yeah, we had a good time, but what is the value of that?

Maybe it is the same. We want people to be present in our lives. Sharing food and time is valuable. We can always work towards more meaningful interactions with people and towards more intentional conversations. What is it that makes an activity worthwhile? Is it something we can measure?

child poverty

I went to a hearing on the impact of the recession on childhood poverty. It was very interesting. To say the least. One of the most sobering facts that were mentioned during the hearing was that children who's families started out above the poverty line before a recession and fall under the poverty line during a recession end up with similar outcomes of productivity, education, and health as those who were in poverty the entire time --even if the families are able to improve their circumstances after the recession, those children do not recover as well. Isn't that interesting and sad?

oh Honduras!

I have been reading about what is happening in Honduras and I don't really think I am anyone to have a strong opinion. I don't really know more about it than anyone else. What makes it different for me is that my parents call Honduras home and maybe I care just a little bit more about what happens there because in some ways a little bit of me considers a little bit of Honduras home.

So, the deal is that they have removed their president in a very unusual (illegal?) way and now it is the whole world and Zelaya against Honduras. It's tough. I don't agree with just ousting a president, just like that... but, I also think that people need to listen to the "other side"... things are never quite as simple as they seem.

Dan Rosenheck wrote and article in the National Post, Everyone is wrong about Honduras, and I think that there might be some truth to that. I just saw another article written by Carlos Alberto Montaner (author of some pretty interesting books), Preventing a Honduran Bloodbath. Montaner writes "...if there is still something worse than the depressing spectacle of a freely elected president forced to leave his country at gunpoint, it is that same leader trying to force his way back in. If Zelaya returns, he will be arrested and charged with an array of crimes. His imprisonment will embarrass any who decide, irresponsibly, to accompany him on such a mad adventure."

I hope that this gets resolved; I do not envy those leaders who are trying to negotiate this situation. What are we going to do? Montaner suggests that, "The solution is to move forward with the general elections planned for November. It's a solution within everyone's reach: the candidates are already there, freely elected in open primaries, and both enjoy much popularity. Why plunge this society irresponsibly into a maelstrom of violence? Once the new government is selected, a government that enjoys the legitimacy generated by a democratic process, the Honduran people can push this lamentable episode into the past."

the soloist

I saw this movie last week and it has been on my mind ever since. Homelessness is an issue that I think about all the time. I intentionally seek to know the names of the homeless people that I see every day and I surround myself with people who love the homeless --more than I do.

I want to believe that merely treating people with dignity is a valuable contribution to the common good of all people and that for the thousands of people that might never escape the trap of poverty and homelessness, one person might feel the courage to seek help because someone affirmed them and treated them as a valuable person.

I have become less expectant of radical transformation since the days that I would go hang out on East Hastings in Vancouver, BC when I got to witness the incredible events that led to Trisha Baptie get off the streets through a simple relationship and a lot of other hard but good events.

I do believe transformation is possible, I believe there is hope for the most voulnerable, but what has changed is that I do not expect to be the catalyst for that change. I might get to help someone one day, I might not. I believe that I can be a friend along the journey. To be honest, that is all we really want sometimes anyway. I know I don't always want people to "help" me I just want someone to listen to me...

Even though it can be heartbreaking to befriend people who never get to escape the traps of poverty, I guess I could relate to "The Soloist". I don't know why sometimes things don't get fixed but, I guess the point is that none of us were really ment to be "soloists" we all need the suport of others to help us keep going and to make sense of it all.