The Gift of Giving Thanks

Yesterday morning as I was walking to work I got off the bus and walked down the street towards work. I crossed the street next to the odd fountain and on the other side of that street where I pass every morning there is a guy who is in a wheelchair who sells necklaces, bracelets and things that he makes. I see him every morning as I walk to work. I say "buenos días" and he responds in the friendliest way "buenos días".

(You see, as a young foreign looking girl I often get some unwanted attention, "hellos" that are a little bit less than agreeable. I've become quite aware of the difference between a sincere "hello" and one that is suspicious.)

Anyway, my friend in the wheelchair always says good morning in a pleasant way. It is, in some ways, my favorite part of every morning. It's just one of those "kindness of strangers" moments that makes life really special. I have walked by for weeks thinking, I'm going to stop and buy something from him before I leave. Well, yesterday, as I was walking by I glanced at him and said good morning and he reached out his hand to give me something. I stopped and he had a necklace in his hand.

He said, "Take it" and I was surprised and said, "Oh No" thinking "You don't have to give me anything" and he gave me a disappointed look and said, "You're not going to accept it?" I asked him if it was a gift and he said, "Of course, its for you to wear!" I took it into my hand and said, "Thank you, that is so nice!" and walked away with a huge smile on my face. That little exchange made my day! I have smiled every time I've thought about it since then.
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This week was Thanksgiving and I was blessed to spend it with my family the Flores and the Quezadas who have become my family here as well. We went to an amazing thanksgiving dinner with a group of people made up mostly of Portuguese students and Peace Corps directors and volunteers. It was really cool. I enjoyed the conversation with the other volunteers and hearing all of their Thanksgiving stories.

I laughed quite a bit especially at the stories of one of the girls who grew up in one of those large families that always seem to have crazy stories. I am thankful for moments with strangers that fill your life and remind you that it is those little things that give us reasons to smile. Like stories shared with strangers around a Thanksgiving table and like my friend in the wheelchair giving me a gift before I had the chance to purchase it from him. I was thankful for both of those things, what a gift to be able to give thanks.

The "centro" of San Salvador

Last week, I got to do something that I had wanted to do since I arrived in El Salvador two months ago. I went to the "centro" of San Salvador. I had been warned repeatedly that I should NOT go there alone and I had not found anyone who would be willing to take me there. So, finally, I found the perfect people to take me and got the tour of the "centro" that I had wanted for the whole time that I've been here.

Because of how common thievery is in San Salvador but, particularly in the "centro" I didn't get to bring my camera. I'm a little disappointed about that but, I'm going to do my best to paint a picture with words. As we were getting ready to go we realized that someone who had been living in El Salvador for 7 years, had NEVER gone to the "centro". San Salvador is really a small city so, someone living here for such a long time and never going seems crazy to me.

I think, however, that it just goes to show how easy it is to isolate yourself from the reality that most people live in and experience on a daily basis. It is easy to live and move in "safe" circles and never have to encounter the darker side of the places that you live. Anyway, the five of us went down to the city and parked in one of the many guarded parking areas. We got out of the car and started walking. The street had stagnant dirty water in the gutters and there was litter almost everywhere. Not in massive quantities, just enough that it was decidedly dirty.

We walked a block towards a street that had (at one time) been a road for cars but had progressively been taken over by vendors in small little shops set up in tents and other makeshift shelters. We walked into one of the side streets. People were selling everything, hats, shoes, clothes, pirated DVD's "Three for a dollar!" as you walked down people would reach out to you and ask you what you needed, "What size are you?" the woman selling pants asked, ever store had someone begging you to stop and consider buying something from them. Once we got outside we found people selling fruit, vegetables, tortillas, and all kinds of other produce and merchandise.

We walked around in the midst of all the people, in front of city buses with attitude problems, and around little children who were working or playing depending on how old they were. As we walked around I was moved with sadness and happiness all at the same time. I love being in a space that is so decidedly human and yet, it was also somewhat dehumanized at the same time. The space meant survival, existence, THAT is the meaning of life for those people. That busy, dirty, loud, unsafe bustle of activity is life.

As we walked by the National Theatre, a grand old building, we were invited to go inside because there was a free concert! It was unbelievable. A concert that in the US they could have easily charged us a nice sum of money to get in, we just walked in. As we were being explained what the concert was about a young boy of about 11 walked up to us and said, "Will you tell them that you're my parents?" "Why?" we asked him. "They won't let me in without my parents" he said. So, he snuck in with us. "I come here everday" he said. There was something wonderful about that. Even this young child who was probably an orphan and lived with his grandmother was finding a way to fill his life with some of the beauty that is life outside of the chaotic mess that dominated the space where he lives.

We left the theater to go see the National Cathedral and then walked to the Plaza la Libertad which was like a scene from a movie where you have all the older men sitting around talking or playing their guitars singing the songs from the "good old days". I wondered how they were able to afford such leisure and then I decided to ignore the reality that it meant. We stopped and had an ice cream cone before walking back to our car and heading home to the tranquility that seems unreal in light of now near it is to the "centro" that turns out to be like a different dimension, a completely different reality.

all over the place

Recently I've been surprised by the many twists and turns that our lives can take. I wonder if I will loose the wonder I feel about life, it is frightening and overwhelming at times but always interesting.

• I've been wondering how I ended up being the slight "intellectual" that I am. Remembering when I read René Girard a while back, I'm still wondering about violence.
• I have many blogging friends and they often find really cool stuff.
• Leah shared this video the other day and we all know how cool TOMS are, I'd like some for Christmas!

• I'm a big fan of random improv and making fun out of simple everyday kinds of things. That is why this made me smile.
• I've been reading a book called, La Última Guinda by José Rutilio Quezada. It is about the Civil War here in El Salvador. I was even privileged enough to meet the author of the book!
  

I love hospitality...

I don’t know if you’ve ever received hospitality, pure beautiful kind generous hospitality, if you have you will understand what I am about to try to explain but if you haven’t then you’re going to have to use your imagination.

Hospitality is a gift for some people and it is an art for all people. Some people are naturally the most hospitable people you’ve ever met but, most people have to develop the art of hospitality. I think that hospitality is one of my favorite things in life. I enjoy receiving it but, I LOVE offering it. Making other people feel at home and comfortable in a place (new or old) is just about one of the greatest joys in life.

I think I enjoy it because it is a challenge, even though hospitality is guided by the same principles for everyone it is a challenge because true hospitality is personalized for each individual. You don’t do the same thing for everyone to help them feel at home… you customize, you learn what their “favorites” are, you figure out if they’re too hot or if they need something warm to drink, you learn everything you can about them so that everything you offer them fits them like an old shoe.

Of course you cannot make anyone feel completely at home, we’re people, we’re different and there’s no place like home. Even so, genuine hospitality can make you feel like you’ve got a second home that is almost as nice and cozy as your “real” home. Really good hospitality will allow the new and different things to become familiar and nice sooner because everything else is so pleasant.

I’ve received a lot of hospitality in my life. All hospitality is amazing because it is a gift but, at times, it is hard (even though this is terrible) not to compare one experience of hospitality to another. There are different kinds of hospitality. There is the 1) you are at home and we will let you take care of yourself how you like it, 2) you are the most valuable guest we have ever had we are going to do everything FOR you, 3) you have come to visit the PLACE we live and we want to show all of it to you, 4) you have come to visit US and we will introduce you to all of our friends and our lives. The fact is that usually there is a mixture of the first two and the last two in any experience.

Since I’ve arrived here I’ve been lavished with a lot of the 1st and 4th kinds of hospitality (which I love) but, as strange as it may seem, I came expecting a little more of love for PLACE than I’ve found. It’s strange, as I said, because I’m used to being around people who are pretty extravagant in their hospitality. If you came to visit us we would do our best to take you places and introduce you to the life and locations that make the place we live unique. I don’t really pamper people very much but, I LOVE showing them the places that make where I live unique (wherever I may be).

I have felt more confined here than I have in other places. I am constantly warned about NOT doing many things that if I didn’t know any better I would have done without hesitating. People do talk about places here and brag a bit about their country (which is lovely, what I’ve seen of it) but, I haven’t really gotten to see as much of it as I’ve wanted to. I’m kind of frustrated by this situation because I’m not really afraid to be adventurous except that everyone around me is terrified for me. I want to just rebel and go but, I am also cautious enough to realize that going alone is probably not the best idea. Oh well. I just feel like I’m seeing hospitality done in a way that is very different that I would do it. Especially at work, I’m not sure if I could call it hospitality what I am experiencing…

decisions, decisions, decisions

I don’t really quite understand how I make decisions sometimes. There is this delicate balance between my mind and my heart. Sometimes, my heart and mind agree on what the best course of action is going to be but, at other times they are not sure if they agree with each other and that is when decisions become difficult.

Sometimes, my mind seems to have two different personalities because it isn’t my mind and my heart that are at odds (because some decisions don’t carry as much emotional weight as others) and yet I still have a hard time making up my mind. There are some decisions that are out of our hands, we just take steps in the direction that we want to go but, we cannot force things to happen (like getting a job in DC or something like that).

It’s interesting when you think about taking a choice because I believe that it is good to let other people give you counsel but, the trick is that at the end of the day the decisions you make are yours and you are the one who gets to live with the benefits or consequences of your choices. It is important, I agree, that you remember that your choices will impact those who are around you, that is important but… there is no getting around the fact that the choice is yours.

random things make it good

I work in a very complicated place. It has not been exactly what I expected but, I'm doing my best to be patient and more assertive at times. One thing that has helped me with the frustration at work is that I've gotten to know some really sweet people here who have really loved me and encouraged me. The little details like the gift that a friend of Miriam sent me: a mug with some really amazing loose leaf tea or a walk at the park with a friend, all of those things make me smile and enjoy everything without letting the disappointment or frustration take over my experience here.




Last Sunday, I got to go to a place called Los Planes de Renderos with a really special family that has really been more than kind to me. It is a really adorable place not too far out of the city where you can see a great view of the city. It has a very traditional feel, people selling pupusas and other kinds of food in stands. While we were there some people were dancing some traditional dances. We actually tried to go to a place called la Puerta del Diablo but, there were too many people so, we ejoyed the view at the Mirador.

It's these little things that have made this time here really special, way more than I was expecting. My time here has been harder and more beautiful than I expected.

just a few more tears...

Yesterday, I broke down and cried at work for the first time since I arrived here in El Salvador. It was embarrassing but, it also felt good to just let all the internal stress and frustration out. They were tears that wanted to say, "We're loosing track of why we're doing this!!" I have to remind myself that I'm doing this for all the women who are being abused and in favor of all of the children who are growing up in the midst of violent homes and communities. Sometimes, it feels like things that could be done well but simply become complicated and are delayed by months and months. Which is worse? Sometimes, doing good is hard and we can get caught up in things that are not as important as loving our neighbour and the other. Thankfully, I have support and I don't feel like I'm all alone in this.

I don't know how to pray...

My perspective on life has suddenly been deeply and lovingly challenged this week. I am about to go to bed tonight, I need my sleep because I'm going into the rest of a challenging week but, excited to see what is going to happen.

I just talked to a dear, dear friend in Japan. We are so many thousand miles apart and yet, our hearts and spirits are still asking many of the same questions in our very different contexts. We want to learn how to love others and we do not want to grow indifferent or apathetic in the situations which we find ourselves. How do we respond to the exclusive attitude that many Christians we've been associated with in the past maintain? How do we love them without adopting their stance towards others? I miss her and love having her in my life.

Earlier, I was expressing my concerns about the next step in my journey and I received the wise advice to not worry. To trust that the God who is good will guide my steps in the direction that he knows is best. But, that is not all...

Yesterday, I went to a worship service like I haven't been to since Trinity. Having so many voices all in the same building singing together cannot help but make you smile. All of these young people, singing together and seeking to learn how to trust in and love God with all their heart, mind, and soul is encouraging. I was beautiful. Not so much because of what was said or done but because of the intention of it all. People seeking to know Jesus as the source of the true, the good, and the beautiful.

Maybe not at the moment, I am more of a small group kind of a person, but afterward I realized how much I miss my friends from other times and places who would pray with me and read the Bible with me. (I love that here, where I live right now, we read the Bible and pray together every morning before everyone leaves to work and school, it's really cool.) There is that side of me that misses those honest and earnest "living the questions" kind of friendships.

Then, as I got to talk with my newest friend here about some of these things. I realized a couple other things. First of all, that Jesus truly shines through people and it is a gift to be around someone who shines that way. I was reminded that Christians talk about Jesus because He gives hope and joy in the midst of the questions of life, not because there is any obligation to. It made me actually want to sit down and read through the life of Jesus again and pray. I think that prayer often changes our heart more than the circumstances we are in, but that is good.

I should go to bed but, I wanted to say this (and I know that Miriam and Rebecka will understand) I miss the Eucharist. I truly believe (for as much as the Holy Trinity is one of my favorite theological mysteries because of the implications for community) that the Eucharist is the most beautiful mystery of all. I love going to Church for the moment during the service when we come to the Eucharist and we are reminded that it is by Jesus living in and through us that we have life. It's through Jesus we know love, forgiveness, reconciliation, and hope.

weddings and friends

Valería and Eduardo's older sister got married on Saturday night.
It was a fun evening.

I have to admit that last week I was the most discouraged I have been since I arrived here and yet this weekend I was blessed to find myself surrounded by the most encouraging people ever. It is good to set aside your discouragement and allow yourself to open your heart to new people, even when there is a little bit of fear of saying goodbye again so soon.

friends make me smile

These girls make me smile while I'm at work.