I'm looking forward to going back to D.C.

you know you're headed to Idaho when...

I got on the airplane headed towards Idaho and a man sat next to me. Sometimes, I don't talk to the people next to me on the airplane and sometimes I feel like I should. So, I asked him if he lived in Boise. He said no but, that he used to and was going to go fishing with one of his buddies this weekend.

I kept asking him questions and he kept telling me about himself. I found out that he loves Idaho and would love to go back there if he could. He said that he loves it because there aren't a lot of people and you can get into the mountains easily [away from people]. Not that there aren't people in Idaho who enjoy being around other people, it fits my past experience that most people that LOVE living there enjoy a significant amount of solitude.

To just make some generalized statements that cannot be true about everyone it seems like a lot of people in Idaho, love the outdoors [which is great] because they can get away from people and in reallity it seems like what they enjoy the most is not having people around who try to tell them what to do with their lives. It is good that there are people who enjoy solitude [and hopefully reflection] but, I would have to argue that learning to live with other people, communicating and sharing with them is one of the calls and challenges of the human experience.

I don't think everyone needs to move into a commune but, learning how to cultivate an appreciation for the presence of other people is an important part of life. I love being around people, that is why I feel disconnected from a lot of people here because I don't understand their intense love of being away from people.

visiting the west coast update II

I got to spend the better part of a day just wandering around Seattle. The morning was quite a bit cooler than the other days but, it was so much fun to hang out at Pikes Place Market for quite a while. It is a lot bigger than the Public Market in Vancouver. Pikes Place has so many amazing fruits and vegetables. I realize that I was almost drooling over the amazing looking produce. I would love to live close to a market like that. Cooking with good vegetables is so amazing.

I got to meet up with a friend I haven't seen in a while for lunch. We had Dim Sum in the Seattle ChinaTown. It was so great to get to be there in person to hear how my friends are doing. After lunch, I was able to enjoy the afternoon wandering around the Seattle Art Museum (one of my friends had given me a free pass!). It was a great time. Sometimes, it seems like art museums today serve the purpose of places for silence and reflection like churches used to.

We spent the early evening in Fremont at the park. It has a lovely view of the lake, the Seattle skyline... ah, and the temperature was just about as perfect as it could get. Lovely, lovely. It was nice to get to spend time talking with friends, hearing about their lives, their plans, etc. I would be nice if it weren't so hard to get together with such great people more often. It is certainly worth it. Enjoying a quiet morning before I head to Idaho, I'm having a delightful time on this trip.

visiting the west coast update

I've been enjoying everything from the Fremont Troll to the International Jazz Festival at Granville Island over here on the WestCoast this week. I've had the opportunity to catch up with old friends and laugh like I haven't laughed in a long, long time. The fresh vegetables and fruit and the markets that I've been to have been incredible. I wish I could transport them to D.C., I haven't seen any markets that compare... yet.

I had delicious Indian food on Robson St. in Vancouver for a birthday celebration and enjoyed observing the simple Canadianisms at Queen Elizabeth Park. It was a lovely day so, walking outside among the trees and flowers was delightful. It was also fun to learn what "pitch and putt" is and to see the "lawn bowling" and "curling" opportunities. It was not quite warm enough to want to get wet but, it was beautiful to walk along Kislilano Beach with the great view of the mountains and the city. We thought about going to the Vancouver Art Museum but, had to skip that this time and headed into Chapters for a bit.

It's always interesting to see people that you haven't seen in a long time. With some people it's as if you'd never left because it is so easy to pick up and keep going... The weather this week has been lovely but, apparently that has not been the case most of the summer. Unfortunately, it has been pretty cloudy and rainy this year. I cannot complain about the weather I've gotten to enjoy. The mountains, the green, the ocean, all have been lovely. I got to ferry over to Bremerton and then back to enjoy seeing other friends in Seattle. I have a knack at making friends who like to do non-profit work, I guess it's no wonder that we're friends.

not too spiritual sunday reflections

Today, we had decided to go to ChinaTown in the morning before going to the Church of the Advent where I have decided to make my home in the midst of not having anything else certain or established. I figure that if nothing else is regular or routine there is no real good reason to make going to Church one more of those dreaded events that involve meeting a lot of new people and explaining who you are and what you're doing in the city.

So, we went and decided to visit a church that is in ChinaTown before we went and walked around the Portrait Gallery for a while. What was interesting about going to church in the morning is that we got to see Jenn! I hadn't been expecting to see her there and I knew that she was leaving the next day. It was so nice to get to see her one more time before she takes off on a pretty interesting trip around the world (literally). After church we went to the Portrait Gallery, like I said, and it was good. I really enjoy that Gallery.

Later, we went to Advent. It was nice to get to talk to some of the people that I've met the other weeks that I've been there. Certainly some great people that would make great friends if I could stick around. I really enjoyed hearing Brian's stories about taking pictures at a $400,000 Bar Mitzvah . . . it was ridiculous. It's interesting to meet people who've been in the city shorter amounts of time that I have and realizing that my story is actually everyone's story.

Still no job. I'm going to the WestCoast for a visit...

negative first impressions

She looked around and saw that she was one of the first people to arrive so, she walked up to someone who was standing alone and introduced herself. Being exceptionally comfortable meeting new people, a couple who had met her before walked over and stood next to her. She introduced them to her new friend. As the four of them were talking pleasantly about their past experiences, he walked into the room. She immediately had a negative reaction to his presence. This surprised her because she usually like everyone she ever met, at least at first.

She knew to fight her feelings and opened up the little circle so that he could bring his overbearing presence even closer to her unsuspecting and shy friends. He was two feet taller than she was but, her demeanor was calm and tantalizingly collected. The others couldn't think of a response to his flamenco introduction so, she quickly re-directed everyone's attention to the quietest person in the group who had been telling a story about their favorite math professor in the 9th grade. She wondered if everyone else had the same feeling that she did or if she was being attacked by some sort of ridiculous first impression.

She didn't usually dislike people when she first met them. What was it about him that caught her off guard and created such an immediate dislike? She walked across the room and ended up standing in the corner with him. She quickly calculated how important it would be to try and find out if her first impression was entirely mistaken. She decided to ask him a polite question,"Where do you work?"

"I'm a spy," he answered making up a response that was meant to be funny but caused her to dislike his style with more intensity.

She gave him a half-hearted smile and decided to try to play along, "Who are you spying for?" she asked ironically.

He gave her a demeaning look and said, "If I told you I'd have to kill you" and kept awkwardly silent.

She wasn't amused but, wasn't going to give up. "Ok," she said in a slightly irritated tone, "what do you in your free time?"

He let go of the game and gave her some basic information about his job. She had to keep asking him questions and he kept avoiding them. Suddenly, she asked herself what she was doing because this person had no desire to talk to her and even deep down in the kindest side of her heart she couldn't figure out why she would want to talk to him.

A gorgeous girl from California walked up looking for a glass and his attention was immediately re-directed and focused on her. She realized that even though she had experienced a small amount of genuine interest in this person's story, he had never cared, even for a moment in her simple and slightly uninteresting life. This was when she frantically started looking for a way out of this most un-pleasant conversation. California girl wasn't interested in talking and walked away as soon as she found the glass she was looking for. She understood that there was no need for a gentle ending to the conversation so she also turned around and walked away.

She couldn't describe why this person had given her such a negative impression other than the fact that he seemed to be completely amused with himself in a way that wasn't amusing at all for everyone else. She was amazed at the way that he gave her such discomfort. She too was capable of disliking someone the first time they met and even do her best to arrange ways to not encounter him again if she could avoid it. What a sign of solidarity with the pathetic side of the human race!

one who excels in telling stories and anecdotes.

Someone asked me if it bothered me to write [like on this blog] and not get any response. I was thinking about it and I guess it's just a matter of expectations. I don't particularly expect to get a response to everything that I write here. Like I said before, this is a form of writing discipline more than anything else. In other circumstances, I would be upset to not get a response to something I've said or written. It's not that I don't enjoy getting responses...

I just stumbled across the word "raconteur" which means: one who excels in telling stories and anecdotes and realized that I found my ideal job description in a word. "Raconteur." If you happen to see any job postings for a "raconteur" pass it on!

Yesterday, without much pomp or circumstance my younger brother and I got to tour where my older brother works. Mostly family, wandered around the building, peered into cars, and took pictures. They only have an open house once a year and that is the only time that they allow guests into their compound. Interesting, huh?

we have to work around our imperfections to feel welcomed

Last night, I went to the first "party" with my friends since I left the Eastern shore. I haven't changed, I have such a paradoxical response to events like the one they hosted last night. I cannot figure out if I dislike them more deeply than I enjoy them. What usually happens is that I arrive and am momentarily over-stimulated by all the people, then I notice that there is someone new or someone alone or worse than that the people that didn't know each other when they arrived, still don't know each other when they leave.

So, I spend most of my time meeting new people, enjoying surprisingly candid conversations with strangers and looking around for the most auspicious moment either to welcome the new people or to leave. I could point out how much I love people and find that honest, sincere, frank conversations --even though they may be rare-- are absolutely precious when you have them. But, I could also confess that my stomach turns over when I wonder if everyone felt welcomed, genuinely.

It helps to remember that we are just imperfect people trying to learn how to live life in common with others in a way that is good. The imperfection of the party is due to the fact that all of us are trying to work around our fears, flaws, and foibles. Those minor weakness or failings of character actually make us distinctive and particular, like the shy one or the slightly overly rambunctious one, etc. and that reminds us that it is beautiful in spite of its flaws. Hopefully, acknowledging our irritations, idiosyncrasies, and insecurities will be a way to more honest appreciation of this face of hospitality.

I think I'd still prefer the intimate "family" dinner... most of the time.

Last night on the way home we had a flat tire. Things don't seem to go as planned most of the time...

writing well takes practice or so I hear

I love the exercise of putting words down [or up on the screen]. It is good just to practice. Yesterday, I picked up Anne Lamott's Bird by Bird and was reminded that writing well involves both being willing to write first drafts that we're not proud of so that we can then go back and re-work them and make them so much better later. I've sort of been in a writing dry spell so, I'm trying to stick to the putting words down even if it really comes across as just being garrulous [a bit trivial and just rambling]. I know I sound pretty hapless most of the time, I mean it is kind of pathetic to just put words down to try to inspire good writing. I guess, I don't really need pity just discipline and that's what I'm aspiring for.

Still no luck on the job search. One more rejection to add to my list. I think I'd like to get a job in Spain, that sounds nice. Sigh. I'm excited to travel a bit in the next couple weeks. The change of scenery will do me good.

warm and slow interactions must be cultivated

We visited Osprey Point yesterday. It was my first visit back since graduation. Oddly enough, I am hardly nostalgic at all. It is a beautiful place and yet I'm loving the ordinariness of my life away from there. We arrived and walked around the gorgeous grounds and almost distractedly found everyone who is still around to say hello. We awkwardly interrupted work shifts and meetings to then hurriedly give updates and well-wishes.

It is strange that even though it ought to be such a relaxing place everyone seemed to be up-tight in the rush of the day. In some ways, the hurried city experience that I've been living in the past few weeks has been much more calm and reflective than you would expect. I get to go out into the city, encounter people and realize that it doesn't matter if you're out in the country or in the city, people hardly know how to interact with each other slowly and carefully. Warm and genuine interactions require effort no matter where you live.

when introductions get old

"Hi, what's your name?"
"Meg."
"Nice to meet you, Meg."
"Yeah, nice to meet you too."
"I'm kind of new here, have you been here a while?"
"A bit, what are you doing here?"
"I'm looking for work."
"What kind of work?"
[I go into the detailed account of my job search.]
"so... it all depends if I get that job or not if I'll stay. What do you do?"
"I work at an NGO."
"Cool!"

A little later, someone else: "Hannah, have you met Meg?"
"Yeah, we just met. Meg, tell me, where are you from?"
"Well, I'm from Connecticut and went to school in Boston."
"Did you know anyone when you moved to D.C.?"
"Sort of, I had a friend who was going to school here, we decided to live together."
"Do you like it here?"
With a slightly unsure look: "Yeah, I think I do."
"Has it been what you expected?"
"Not really, but that doesn't mean it is bad."
"Yeah. I see."

There's something about meeting a lot of new people all at the same time that makes me feel pretty disoriented after a while. Those conversations cannot go very deep at first (with a rare exception from time to time). I am glad when I get to see the same people again and again because there is the possibility of actually getting to know each other when that happens.

Last night my brother came home from Europe where he got to see one of my dearest friends. I miss her so much but, it was like having a little bit of her with me when he was telling me about meeting up with her and getting to talk with her. Remembering that there are people like her, who know you so well... makes me more impatient and ok [at the same time] with all the newness.

charming accent

Yesterday I made a new friend. I spent a couple hours volunteering and talking with her. It was great. We have very different backgrounds and yet, it seemed quite easy to talk to her and she is such a sweet person.

It started to rain on me as I was wandering around the city. I walked into a book store (what I was headed towards anyway) and read a while as I was waiting for it to stop. It slowed down again and then started up before I made it to my destination so, I got a bit wet.

I chose to not call back my friend who had invited me to go to the 'biggest party of the year'. I love new people in small doses. Being at a party with 100 guests did not sound very appealing particularly because I'm not feeling well.

more waiting

Today, I got to meet a not-so-much of a stranger for lunch. We had never sat down to talk together but, we've had so many other encounters that it felt like we already knew each other a lot more than we do. I was seeking advice and suggestions for this period of searching and waiting for work. It was a great lunch and a even greater conversation.

I am definitely sick. There is no doubt about it. My chest doesn't usually cramp up and my body feel like fainting when I walk up a flight of stairs. I did so much talking today with my friend and at my interviews for work that my voice is about as shaky as a two year old on a tight rope. I couldn't help but call a couple friends when I got home to share my excitement about the possibility of this amazing job (notice that I don't have the job quite yet).

I had a second interview and got the opportunity to meet one of the guys who would be my team member if I were to work at this amazing organization. After talking to them I am so excited and REALLY want to work there more than ever. He is not only someone I would love to work with but also someone I'd like to be friends with! He told me that he had to wait 6 months before he got his job so, he doesn't feel sorry for my 3 months. He told me to be patient with them. I really, really hope I end up with this job.

set-backs

I think sometimes we arrive at a time or place in our lives where we want to stop complaining and using our past as an excuse for [whatever] it is that has or has not happened in our lives. I certainly want to stop complaining about some of the spiritual and creative set-backs of my life. [Maybe calling them set-backs is unfair...]

They say that children that grow up bilingual often have a smaller vocabulary during their elementry years because they are learning two languages at once. Nevertheless, they soon catch up and do just as well or better than their mono-lingual peers in either language. You would never know that they had ever been "behind".

Moving to a new country or culture has a similar effect on your creativity. What you may have done naturally and well in your original country or culture is not so easy to accomplish in a new one because you are re-learning social rules and creating new social networks. I feel like I am just making it out of "elementary school" again and am at the point where I am fluent culturally and have an increasingly strong social network in this new stage of my life. I've learned from my past experiences of being paralyzed by the newness of my experiences and am ready to use my varied experiences in the fullest and most creative way that I can.

open up

Sometimes when you meet people for the first time it is comical and other times it is magical. Ok, well the magical didn't quite happen but, yesterday I had the most comical encounter. I went to interview for a job at [an undisclosed location] and it was so very disorganized. They were not ready for me --even though they told me they were expecting me-- I ended up asking more questions about them than they did about me. It makes you wonder sometimes... We ended on great friendly terms and I left a little confused about what had just happened. Even so, I met someone who had lived in the same community in D.C. for their whole life! That was fascinating to me. I'm really interested in learning more about D.C. as a place and a community in and of itself.

Whenever we re-encounter people for the second or third time it is always good to feel the un-comfortablenesses crumble and yet, there is this distance between meeting and knowing someone. Even after the first, second, and third meeting they are ever, ever so new to you and you are so unfamiliar with them. It will take a while to know what makes them feel alive and even in the excitement of getting to know a new person that realization makes me feel kind of sad and even lonely.

Today, I met a guy from [the Embassy of Congo]. He has lived in the States longer during his life time than I have --and I hold a US passport. It's funny how things like that work out. I also met a Colombian girl who works for TVFrance. It's so interesting to see where people end up. Oh! The magical encounter involved a thirty second introduction to an incredibly hansom French man. Ok, it wasn't that magical but, it could have been... I mean he's French!

a prayer - by elie wiesel

I no longer ask you for either happiness or paradise; all I ask of You is to listen and let me be aware of Your listening.

I no longer ask You to resolve my questions, only to receive them and make them part of You.

I no longer ask You for either rest or wisdom, I only ask You not to close me to gratitude, be it of the most trivial kind, or to surprise and friendship. Love? Love is not Yours to give.

As for my enemies, I do not ask You to punish them or even to enlighten them; I only ask You not to lend them Your mask and Your powers. If You must relinquish one or the other, give them Your powers. But not Your countenance.

They are modest, my requests, and humble. I ask You what I might ask a stranger met by chance at twilight in a barren land.

I ask you, God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob, to enable me to pronounce these words without betraying the child that transmitted them to me: God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob, enable me to forgive You and enable the child I once was to forgive me too.

I no longer ask You for the life of that child, nor even for his faith. I only beg You to listen to him and act in such a way that You and I can listen to him together.

night

Today I went to the Holocaust Memorial Museum. Now, that is an encounter with human history that is hard to comprehend. It is hard to understand how such a large number of people were able to suspend their inner sense of dignity and respect for other human beings. Was it desperation, fear or just simple depravity?

As I walked through the Museum I remembered and thought about the book "Night" by Elie Wiesel that read a little while back. The sense of despair that he experienced when he encountered the death and abuse of all of his family and people. Recently, I heard an interview with Elie Wiesel in the which he expressed his approach to God in the midst of the unspeakable and unexplainable atrocities experienced and committed by humanity.

The awful events that occurred to Wiesel haunt him. In one of his speeches he said, "No one may speak for the dead, no one may interpret their mutilated dreams and visions. And yet, I sense their presence. I always do - and at this moment more than ever." He urges us and reminds us that "Our lives no longer belong to us alone; they belong to all those who need us desperately." How should we respond to the atrocities which continue all over the world? What does it mean that our lives "no longer belong to us alone"?

not too late*

Last night was the first night that I have spent alone in at least a year. It goes without saying that it is a strange experience. [Maybe it explains the sudden urge to write down what I'm thinking since I have no one to "be" with and just share it spontaneously as it comes to me.] There is a huge difference between being alone and being lonely. Right now I am alone, in the kind of precious "solitude" type of way that I so deeply love. If it goes on too long I might start to feel lonely and I'm not sure how long it will take for me to get that stomach wrenching feeling of loneliness. Actually, I hope it doesn't come.

I've always been fascinated with being alone and solitude. Being able to embrace solitude and it's richness for self-reflection and mediation has been a goal of mine. It gives depth to relationships when you take time to reflect on what is happening in your life, at least I think so. How to find the correct balance between time apart and time together is what is so delicate and requires constant attention and reevaluation. This time alone is time for that, reevaluation and self-reflection. Hopefully, all the meditation will ultimately lead to a more open spirit of welcome to those who I am privileged to encounter when I'm not alone.

*norah jones, not too late

passer by*

"Oh, don't you be a passer by. Won't you sit down and stay a while..."
I became a Dispatch fan when I was in college. The band wasn't really popular anymore and the members had already gone their separate ways. I heard them randomly and became a huge fan. One of my friends told me recently that my type of music is "acoustic reggae". When she said that to me I couldn't help but think "Yeah, that is exactly what I like!" It's mostly their sound, I love acoustic reggae.

It's interesting how music can become associated with certain people. The person who introduced you to a certain singer or type of music or the person who was always listening to something in particular will always come to mind when you hear that music somewhere else. I know that there are certain people who will always think of me any time they ever hear a song by Dispatch and others who will always think of me if they hear something by Jack Johnson or Ben Harper.

Last year, someone asked me if I liked to listen to music and if I had a certain type of "go-to music" for certain moods. I realize now that I answered that question wrong at the time. I said "yes, I like music" --which is true-- "but, I don't think I listen to music for a certain type of mood." That is not true. I totally have go-to music for all types of emotions. Having said that, if I'm not in a --not all that uncommon-- melancholic mood I'll usually be listening to something with an "acoustic reggae" sound (preferably sitting comfortably on the kitchen counter).

*dispatch, gut the van

bridges*

One more encounter with someone is the best way to explain what has provoked this sudden burst of writing. Again, this person is not a stranger, far from it. Even so, we have not heard from each other in a long time.

This encounter involved the familiar conversation whenever the two of us talk. I get asked, "What have you written recently?"
"I haven't been writing very much recently. How about you?"
"I've been writing some, it's hard sometimes. Why haven't you been writing?"
"Oh, I don't know, I'm in the midst of one of those --I don't think I have what it takes-- phases."
"What? How many times do I have to tell you that you have what it takes, you know that this writing thing is a huge process of trial and error anyway, don't you? You shouldn't say things like that."

I feel the rebuke and decide to write something. It feels good even if the product is mediocre. I need those encounters and I need the feedback.


*Dispatch, Silent Steeples

i'll let you in*

Today my encounters revolved not around strangers but with familiar faces in a strange place. My aunt, uncle, and three cousins came through here on their family vacation. I have only been here for a couple weeks so, in some ways, living here is new and strange to me still. We visited some places that were new to me and saw some things that have become slightly familiar. Being with people who have known you your whole life in a new place gives you a renewed sense of perspective on your life. I was reminded that I have people who love and accept me even if I never find a job or if I don't get my dream job.

About my dream job... the one encounter with a stranger I had today was on the phone as I interviewed for my dream job. She was pleasant, interesting, and asked good and unexpected questions. I thought it was a fascinating conversation and I am so excited about the opportunity. This is one stranger that I would die to have become a friend. After our conversation, I walked into the living room where my cousins were waiting for me. I had the biggest grin on my face and they loved me for being me. I didn't have to convince them that I was right for the job. It was not the usual people in the usual place but, the right people at the right time to help me celebrate excitement and remember that I am loved for more than my ability to perform.

*It's always interesting to label your posts with the title of the song you're listening to at that moment.

encountering the stranger, fragments

A city is filled with strangers. All types of strangers. Some you might want to meet and many others you may never want to encounter. Most of them seem to be looking blankly into the distance with a burden of worry or boredom creating distance between them and the rest of the world. Camus introduces us to the most alienated of strangers. "The Stranger" is not familiar with the emotions of belonging or love that might tie him to others or give him reason for his future. Empty. The stranger has no sense of meaning in life and all his relationships are so shallow that he takes no inspiration from them. There is no greater purpose for his life.

When we continue on in this way we have no reason to live and whatever it is that makes us want to is incomprehensible. When the strangers on the bus or in the metro encounter one another there is a renewed hope that we may find meaning after all. These encounters are mere shadows of what true relationship involves but at least they can remind us that we are human and that there is something beautiful under the masks that we so often wear. Opportunities abound to enter into relationship and yet they are missed because we fear being rejected if people see our true face, our weakness, our fear, or our failure. Because of this we remain strangers to one another, we stare with empty gazes into the future waiting for someone to instill some meaning into our existence.